This past Sunday our Pastor gave a wonderful sermon on what we should leave behind in 2009. Things like critical attitudes, hurt, an unforgiving heart, habits that need to be broken.
I have put a lot of thought into all of this over the past few days and have decided that the main thing I want to change and improve on in my life in 2010 is Jesus. Just Jesus, plain and simple. I want to know Him better - deeper more intimately and I want to share Him with those around me without wavering.
I want to go deeper into God's Word and apply it to my life every day - not just when I think it matters. I want Colossians 3:17 - "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus giving thanks to God the Father through Him." - to be my heart cry. This has been my life verse for some time now and this year I want to put feet to it.
I could not be happier to see the end of 2009. This has been the most physically challenging year I have had in quite some time. Seizures, another failed seizure medication, a trip to the ER, painful arthritis, a new diagnosis of osteoporosis, (caused from 25 years of seizure meds) seizures, seizures and more seizures. So, in the final days of 2009 I look to my Jesus, not only to continue to sustain me as I deal with trials and hardships but to be my all and all, keeping my eyes totally on Him - and hopefully looking more like Him each day. That is a tall order but it is my hope and prayer.
My hope for you this year is the same - that you would experience the Lord in a fresh, new way that will strengthen and deepen your faith.
On a side note, I am so very thankful and quite honestly shocked by the wonderful response I have gotten to this blog. Please know that I am depending on the Lord for each word I write and it is only by His grace does the blog makes any since at all. Thank you for taking the time to read it - I pray it is a blessing to you. Please continue to come by and read and leave a comment if you feel led to do so - I cherish them all!
May God Bless you in the New Year as you seek to rejoice in the hope of Jesus each day!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Hard days... and faith
One of my favorites things to do is take a hot, hot bath and relax. I enjoy the peace and quiet from just sitting in a hot tub of water, the stress of the day just rolls off my back - what a great feeling! All the joy and fun of this very ordinary event came to a crashing halt on Labor Day weekend 2004.
I was enjoying the great "alone" time that most Mom's seem to need so much - listening to my music and being very slow on purpose so as to eek every minute of enjoyment from this time that I could. Then I had a seizure - a longer seizure, and by a long seizure I mean about 13-18 seconds. Such a short time but when it comes to seizures, it is a lifetime. My head fell face first into the water - even now, to type the words gives me a cold chill.
Stephen came in just in time to find me face down in the water. I am so thankful that my life is carefully planned out by my Heavenly Father, that nothing is by chance or just happens for no apparent reason. I know the Lord led Stephen in the bathroom just in time to save me... and that is just what he did. It was not his first time and certainly was not his last. My wonderful husband has had the awful experience of saving, catching, diving for my dead weight body many, many times.
I can still remember coughing up water and struggling to breathe. Wet hair covered my face and water filled my nose and mouth.
It is a surreal feeling to come out of a seizure and discover that all hell has broken lose in the 13 seconds that I was out of it. Praise God I was fine - a little shaken, we both were, but I was alive and doing okay. This would be my very last bath taken without Stephen in the room.
I was so angry. As I said I loved my baths and now to never just be able to take one whenever the mood struck was very frustrating. I was still coming to terms with ALL the seizures I was dealing with at the time and having a really hard time with it. I didn't care to see how God was choosing to work in my life at the time - I wanted what I wanted, even if it was just a 30 minute bath. And I didn't think that was too much to ask. Once again God took my overwhelmed (not to mention hard and stubborn) heart in His Hands and began to work as only He can.
It took quite some time for me to let go of the anger of having to give up one more thing but as I trusted God more and more - and myself less and less, I saw something miraculous.
I began to see that the more things that were stripped away from me, the more clearly I was able to see Jesus. The less I focused on "things" the more I could see the Lord working and moving all around me. I was learning contentment, slowly, but I was learning. God continues today to teach me contentment through the circumstances around me and I am forever grateful to Him for showing me more and more of Himself - He is faithful.
I would love to take a good hot bubble bath by myself and I think about it sometimes - sometimes when my days are too much for me and I just need to be alone. But God has shown me how to be overwhelmed with thankfulness that now I can share that time with my sweet Stephen. I praise God for the fact that I have learned that taking baths as well as walking are not the most important things in life. What is most important to me now are the little things that carry the most weight in life. Thank you Lord for teaching my very hard heart and allowing me to see You in the midst of loss and hardships - I would take nothing for it.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
I was enjoying the great "alone" time that most Mom's seem to need so much - listening to my music and being very slow on purpose so as to eek every minute of enjoyment from this time that I could. Then I had a seizure - a longer seizure, and by a long seizure I mean about 13-18 seconds. Such a short time but when it comes to seizures, it is a lifetime. My head fell face first into the water - even now, to type the words gives me a cold chill.
Stephen came in just in time to find me face down in the water. I am so thankful that my life is carefully planned out by my Heavenly Father, that nothing is by chance or just happens for no apparent reason. I know the Lord led Stephen in the bathroom just in time to save me... and that is just what he did. It was not his first time and certainly was not his last. My wonderful husband has had the awful experience of saving, catching, diving for my dead weight body many, many times.
I can still remember coughing up water and struggling to breathe. Wet hair covered my face and water filled my nose and mouth.
It is a surreal feeling to come out of a seizure and discover that all hell has broken lose in the 13 seconds that I was out of it. Praise God I was fine - a little shaken, we both were, but I was alive and doing okay. This would be my very last bath taken without Stephen in the room.
I was so angry. As I said I loved my baths and now to never just be able to take one whenever the mood struck was very frustrating. I was still coming to terms with ALL the seizures I was dealing with at the time and having a really hard time with it. I didn't care to see how God was choosing to work in my life at the time - I wanted what I wanted, even if it was just a 30 minute bath. And I didn't think that was too much to ask. Once again God took my overwhelmed (not to mention hard and stubborn) heart in His Hands and began to work as only He can.
It took quite some time for me to let go of the anger of having to give up one more thing but as I trusted God more and more - and myself less and less, I saw something miraculous.
I began to see that the more things that were stripped away from me, the more clearly I was able to see Jesus. The less I focused on "things" the more I could see the Lord working and moving all around me. I was learning contentment, slowly, but I was learning. God continues today to teach me contentment through the circumstances around me and I am forever grateful to Him for showing me more and more of Himself - He is faithful.
I would love to take a good hot bubble bath by myself and I think about it sometimes - sometimes when my days are too much for me and I just need to be alone. But God has shown me how to be overwhelmed with thankfulness that now I can share that time with my sweet Stephen. I praise God for the fact that I have learned that taking baths as well as walking are not the most important things in life. What is most important to me now are the little things that carry the most weight in life. Thank you Lord for teaching my very hard heart and allowing me to see You in the midst of loss and hardships - I would take nothing for it.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The Gift
Right now there is a giant present under my Christmas tree, it is for Josh. For days he has looked at it and asked a thousand times what it is. I can see the excitement on his face - he is just dying to know the contents.
I began to think about THE greatest gift of all - eternal life that comes from knowing Jesus as Lord and Savior. Does that still spark a thrill, joy and excitement in me that would far surpass that which is on my son's face.
The gift of salvation is free - all we have to do is ask. God has made that abundantly clear...
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have life everlasting." John 3:16
As a Christ follower, I should wake up each morning and thank the Lord for what He has done for me on the Cross - it should never get old - I should never tire of thanking my God for eternity with Him. So, during this Season when our culture is spinning in circles trying to find the perfect gift, making their house look just so and driving all over the place - I choose to focus on the King of Kings and praise Him for the wondrous gift of knowing Him.
I am also reminded of another gift that we can get our hands on every day, reach out and touch and immerse our minds and hearts into - God's Word. God has been faithful to give us this "love letter" from Him. I know for me as I struggle with life, seizures and the weight of disability, nothing soothes my burdened heart quite like time in the Bible.
It is my hope and prayer that this Christmas you know the Lord and you are feeding on Him and His precious Word daily. There is no greater gift than being in a love relationship with Almighty God. He is faithful, He will never leave or forsake and He will be our constant Source of Strength no matter the hurt or pain we are feeling at the time.
May God richly bless you this Christmas as you focus on Him!!
Rejoicing in Hope at Christmastime,
Roxanne
"For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder and His name will be called, Wonderful, Councelor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
I began to think about THE greatest gift of all - eternal life that comes from knowing Jesus as Lord and Savior. Does that still spark a thrill, joy and excitement in me that would far surpass that which is on my son's face.
The gift of salvation is free - all we have to do is ask. God has made that abundantly clear...
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have life everlasting." John 3:16
As a Christ follower, I should wake up each morning and thank the Lord for what He has done for me on the Cross - it should never get old - I should never tire of thanking my God for eternity with Him. So, during this Season when our culture is spinning in circles trying to find the perfect gift, making their house look just so and driving all over the place - I choose to focus on the King of Kings and praise Him for the wondrous gift of knowing Him.
I am also reminded of another gift that we can get our hands on every day, reach out and touch and immerse our minds and hearts into - God's Word. God has been faithful to give us this "love letter" from Him. I know for me as I struggle with life, seizures and the weight of disability, nothing soothes my burdened heart quite like time in the Bible.
It is my hope and prayer that this Christmas you know the Lord and you are feeding on Him and His precious Word daily. There is no greater gift than being in a love relationship with Almighty God. He is faithful, He will never leave or forsake and He will be our constant Source of Strength no matter the hurt or pain we are feeling at the time.
May God richly bless you this Christmas as you focus on Him!!
Rejoicing in Hope at Christmastime,
Roxanne
"For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder and His name will be called, Wonderful, Councelor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Threshing Floor
Last year God showed me a verse in 1 Chronicles that I would have ordinarily skipped right over. 1 Chron. 21:22
"Then David said to Orman, grant me the place of this threshing floor that I may build an alter on it to the LORD."
The threshing floor was the place where all the wheat was sifted and the extra fell on the floor. God had spoken to David and commanded him to go and erect an alter in the middle of this threshing floor - David obeyed the Lord and did just that, he offered sacrifices and praise to his God in the middle of this place where wheat was sifted each day.
The Lord showed me as I went over the verse several times that I was in the middle of my own threshing floor. As I was learning to deal with giant health issues, and trust Him more - I was being sifted like wheat - emotionally and physically. Day after day I was hurting and crying out to my God to carry me through. He showed me through this verse that I had a choice in the circumstances I was in - I could drown in them or I could build an alter of sacrifice and praise to the Lord each day.
It would be easy to complain, have a pity party (and believe me I have had my share of those) or I could lean on the Lord in a new way - trusting Him with all my heart. I could offer up a sacrifice of praise daily and know that I am clothed in righteousness and HOPE.
I would have to choose...
Although my days are tough, it would be impossible to go through one second without my Jesus, so, I chose to look at my life, and instead of complaining, I chose to praise. There is far more to be thankful for than there is to sob over. Now please don't get me wrong here - I do not have it all together and this does not come easy to me. God has helped me see His perspective in the area of suffering. And from this perspective has come the decision to be joyful - even when it is so hard.
This joy does not come from me - it comes from the God I serve. I will choose joy and to rejoice in the hope of my KING because I know that is the only way I can make it.
I pray today if you are in the middle of your own threshing floor - and let's be honest who hasn't been there. But if you are there today - know that your Heavenly Father loves you more than you will ever know and He is working in your life for His glory AND your good. Oh, it may not feel that way now but God is very purposeful in His plans for us.
I am thankful for the threshing floor of seizures and disability in my life because it continues to drive me to the foot of the Cross - and there is no other place I want to be.
As you go through your day today lean heavy and hard on the Lord God, trusting that His grace is sufficient. And as you are suffering in the threshing floor of your life, choose to praise and worship the KING who has allowed you be just where you are for reasons only known to Him.
Rejoicing, in Hope,
Roxanne
p.s. I hope everyone is enjoying the play list - I picked all these songs for a specific reason. God has used music to minister to me in countless ways over the years and these songs are all very special to me! Enjoy the music!
"Then David said to Orman, grant me the place of this threshing floor that I may build an alter on it to the LORD."
The threshing floor was the place where all the wheat was sifted and the extra fell on the floor. God had spoken to David and commanded him to go and erect an alter in the middle of this threshing floor - David obeyed the Lord and did just that, he offered sacrifices and praise to his God in the middle of this place where wheat was sifted each day.
The Lord showed me as I went over the verse several times that I was in the middle of my own threshing floor. As I was learning to deal with giant health issues, and trust Him more - I was being sifted like wheat - emotionally and physically. Day after day I was hurting and crying out to my God to carry me through. He showed me through this verse that I had a choice in the circumstances I was in - I could drown in them or I could build an alter of sacrifice and praise to the Lord each day.
It would be easy to complain, have a pity party (and believe me I have had my share of those) or I could lean on the Lord in a new way - trusting Him with all my heart. I could offer up a sacrifice of praise daily and know that I am clothed in righteousness and HOPE.
I would have to choose...
Although my days are tough, it would be impossible to go through one second without my Jesus, so, I chose to look at my life, and instead of complaining, I chose to praise. There is far more to be thankful for than there is to sob over. Now please don't get me wrong here - I do not have it all together and this does not come easy to me. God has helped me see His perspective in the area of suffering. And from this perspective has come the decision to be joyful - even when it is so hard.
This joy does not come from me - it comes from the God I serve. I will choose joy and to rejoice in the hope of my KING because I know that is the only way I can make it.
I pray today if you are in the middle of your own threshing floor - and let's be honest who hasn't been there. But if you are there today - know that your Heavenly Father loves you more than you will ever know and He is working in your life for His glory AND your good. Oh, it may not feel that way now but God is very purposeful in His plans for us.
I am thankful for the threshing floor of seizures and disability in my life because it continues to drive me to the foot of the Cross - and there is no other place I want to be.
As you go through your day today lean heavy and hard on the Lord God, trusting that His grace is sufficient. And as you are suffering in the threshing floor of your life, choose to praise and worship the KING who has allowed you be just where you are for reasons only known to Him.
Rejoicing, in Hope,
Roxanne
p.s. I hope everyone is enjoying the play list - I picked all these songs for a specific reason. God has used music to minister to me in countless ways over the years and these songs are all very special to me! Enjoy the music!
Friday, December 18, 2009
The Begining...
First let me say, thank you so much for visiting my blog. I am excited to share what the Lord has done in my life with you, so thank you for being here. I decided to start this blog because God has been so good to me through out my 42 years and I want to share what He has done through my life with all of you... thank you for listening.
Second, I just have to say that the birth of the blog is a total, 100% God thing - if you know me (and maybe you do!) you know that I am pretty introverted and not comfortable sharing. But God has spoken to my heart and lead me here! So, we will take this journey together!!
Let me start at the beginning, My name is Roxanne and it is so nice to meet you! I have been married for 20 years to the most amazing, gift from my Heavenly Father, Stephen. We have one precious miracle, our son Joshua - he will be 13 next May, we can't believe it! I was born with a rare brain condition called septo-optic displasia - really big words to say this: I have no septum in my brain, my optic nerve is not formed all the way and I have fluid on my brain. As a result of this I am legally blind and have Epilepsy.
I have seizures most every day and it can be overwhelming to say the least. The kind of seizures I have are partial complex seizures. This means I most likely lose conscienncness and become very disoriented, if I am standing and the seizure is long enough I will fall. I have had to go to the ER more times than I can count and had quite a few stitches in my face. I began using a wheelchair at home a while back but, in March of this year I had to make the decision to go full time with it. Due to the types and volumes of seizures I have it was just time... this blog will focus mostly on how my mighty God has worked through me in dealing with suffering and hardship.
When you see the words suffer and hardship, it is hard to believe that anything good could come from them but I want to say right now that God has so used suffering in my life to show me more of Himself that I can hardly contain my heart! Let me just encourage you today that no matter what you are going through, no matter where you are - the Lord Jesus is right there with you, holding you in untold ways.
The year 2006 was bar none, the hardest time of my life. God had been dealing with me for some time about using my wheelchair. But my heart was hard and I just insisted that I could do it on my own - I did not want to give up walking and my heart was just broken into pieces at the thought of doing so. I don't have that much Independence as it is, can't drive, can't be alone too much due to the seizures so, I just could not see giving up one more thing. My head was spinning over this and I could not wrap my thinking around it - one more loss.
But God knew... and He was working.
Every day of that year I cried. I would tell Stephen it felt like every morning I should put on fatigues because I was surely fighting a war - the only difference was the battle was inside me. The thought of losing my mobility was killing my heart. But God very gently reminded me by saying over and over "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." 1Cor. 12:9 This verse kept running through my mind so much that I would wake myself up in the night saying it.
Day by day I would surrender to that wheelchair - not wanting to and hating every minute of it, but I did it. I can remember looking at it thinking how I would love to pick it up and throw it in the backyard! But God kept saying, "Roxanne, I am all you need, I am enough." So, time after time, I would sit in it and praise God for helping me to embrace it. This is something I think will take me the rest of my life to do - totally embrace it.
That year the Lord began to speak to me through the book of Psalms as never before. Let me just take a minute to say if you are in the midst of a storm, read the Psalms. God will soothe your broken heart as never before. I would read and weep and praise the Lord for His power, comfort and grace. But I still continued to just go through the motions with the wheelchair, thinking I would just tolerate it and that would be enough.
Until the day God spoke... and I listened.
I was reading in the book of Romans one morning and ran across this little verse that said, "Rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfast in prayer." (Romans 12:12) God shot a bolt of lightening through my soul and said to my overwhelmed heart - "Roxanne, this is just what you need to do, rejoice in hope because I am your hope." I know the words are simple but they have changed my life - just think, the God of the Universe spoke to me and said, "Remember I am to be your only hope, nothing else - and you can have joy through all of this if your focus is on ME alone, I will bring you to the other side."
I was completely blown away! I began to see that walking on my own was NOT trusting my God who could carry me through all of this. By refusing to use me wheelchair I was putting more trust in myself and not the Lord. I want to be totally dependant on Him in all things so, my eyes were opened to the fact that I can trust Him with a trust that I had never known - and I could do it with hopeful joy, not just going through the motions.
My life has never been the same since that day and I am so thankful. My days are still hard and sometimes they overwhelm me so much it almost takes my breath away but, through it all there is God. My sweet Jesus that I will rejoice in every day.
Nothing compares to the greatness of knowing Him!
I covet your prayers for my health and thank you in advance for bringing me before the Father - it means everything. My prayer for this blog is to encourage and bless those who read it and to draw them to the Living God of the Universe who loves you so much. Little by little I will share more of my story but until then let me leave you with a portion of a song that has blessed my life.
"Bring my joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"
Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain"
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Second, I just have to say that the birth of the blog is a total, 100% God thing - if you know me (and maybe you do!) you know that I am pretty introverted and not comfortable sharing. But God has spoken to my heart and lead me here! So, we will take this journey together!!
Let me start at the beginning, My name is Roxanne and it is so nice to meet you! I have been married for 20 years to the most amazing, gift from my Heavenly Father, Stephen. We have one precious miracle, our son Joshua - he will be 13 next May, we can't believe it! I was born with a rare brain condition called septo-optic displasia - really big words to say this: I have no septum in my brain, my optic nerve is not formed all the way and I have fluid on my brain. As a result of this I am legally blind and have Epilepsy.
I have seizures most every day and it can be overwhelming to say the least. The kind of seizures I have are partial complex seizures. This means I most likely lose conscienncness and become very disoriented, if I am standing and the seizure is long enough I will fall. I have had to go to the ER more times than I can count and had quite a few stitches in my face. I began using a wheelchair at home a while back but, in March of this year I had to make the decision to go full time with it. Due to the types and volumes of seizures I have it was just time... this blog will focus mostly on how my mighty God has worked through me in dealing with suffering and hardship.
When you see the words suffer and hardship, it is hard to believe that anything good could come from them but I want to say right now that God has so used suffering in my life to show me more of Himself that I can hardly contain my heart! Let me just encourage you today that no matter what you are going through, no matter where you are - the Lord Jesus is right there with you, holding you in untold ways.
The year 2006 was bar none, the hardest time of my life. God had been dealing with me for some time about using my wheelchair. But my heart was hard and I just insisted that I could do it on my own - I did not want to give up walking and my heart was just broken into pieces at the thought of doing so. I don't have that much Independence as it is, can't drive, can't be alone too much due to the seizures so, I just could not see giving up one more thing. My head was spinning over this and I could not wrap my thinking around it - one more loss.
But God knew... and He was working.
Every day of that year I cried. I would tell Stephen it felt like every morning I should put on fatigues because I was surely fighting a war - the only difference was the battle was inside me. The thought of losing my mobility was killing my heart. But God very gently reminded me by saying over and over "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." 1Cor. 12:9 This verse kept running through my mind so much that I would wake myself up in the night saying it.
Day by day I would surrender to that wheelchair - not wanting to and hating every minute of it, but I did it. I can remember looking at it thinking how I would love to pick it up and throw it in the backyard! But God kept saying, "Roxanne, I am all you need, I am enough." So, time after time, I would sit in it and praise God for helping me to embrace it. This is something I think will take me the rest of my life to do - totally embrace it.
That year the Lord began to speak to me through the book of Psalms as never before. Let me just take a minute to say if you are in the midst of a storm, read the Psalms. God will soothe your broken heart as never before. I would read and weep and praise the Lord for His power, comfort and grace. But I still continued to just go through the motions with the wheelchair, thinking I would just tolerate it and that would be enough.
Until the day God spoke... and I listened.
I was reading in the book of Romans one morning and ran across this little verse that said, "Rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfast in prayer." (Romans 12:12) God shot a bolt of lightening through my soul and said to my overwhelmed heart - "Roxanne, this is just what you need to do, rejoice in hope because I am your hope." I know the words are simple but they have changed my life - just think, the God of the Universe spoke to me and said, "Remember I am to be your only hope, nothing else - and you can have joy through all of this if your focus is on ME alone, I will bring you to the other side."
I was completely blown away! I began to see that walking on my own was NOT trusting my God who could carry me through all of this. By refusing to use me wheelchair I was putting more trust in myself and not the Lord. I want to be totally dependant on Him in all things so, my eyes were opened to the fact that I can trust Him with a trust that I had never known - and I could do it with hopeful joy, not just going through the motions.
My life has never been the same since that day and I am so thankful. My days are still hard and sometimes they overwhelm me so much it almost takes my breath away but, through it all there is God. My sweet Jesus that I will rejoice in every day.
Nothing compares to the greatness of knowing Him!
I covet your prayers for my health and thank you in advance for bringing me before the Father - it means everything. My prayer for this blog is to encourage and bless those who read it and to draw them to the Living God of the Universe who loves you so much. Little by little I will share more of my story but until then let me leave you with a portion of a song that has blessed my life.
"Bring my joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"
Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain"
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
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