For those of you who read my last post, you know that I am having a tough time dealing with all of the life issues that keep coming my way. You also know that I am waiting on some tests results and I am just plain battle weary from life right now.
The Lord has spoken to me in a pretty powerful way over the past few days and I thought I would share with you - especially those of you who join me in battle weariness and life fatigue.
During my time of Worship this past Sunday I heard the Lord speak very clearly to my heart. "So what will change if it turns out to be Lupus or something else?" This went straight to my soul and I had to ask myself, "What WOULD change?" I will still love, serve and worship King Jesus - I will do my best to glorify Him with my life and bow before Him each day.
The thing that matters most to me - my relationship with the Lord, will not change, if anything I will grow more dependant on Him - and I already know how awesome that is! One of my favorites authors, Jennifer Rothschild has said this,
"It may not be well with my circumstances but, it is well with my soul."
So, I am reminded once again that even in the hardest of times my soul can be calm and rejoice in the fact that my God is holding me so close that I can almost feel the touch of His hand. I am still a little weary from all of the difficulties that disability brings - especially now when things are a little more tough. But mostly I am thankful that God continues to provide me with just what I need - never giving up on telling me how much I need Him. And believe me, if I were Him, I would have given up on ME long ago.
I know my prayer should be that all of these test results come back negative, but, it is not. My prayer is that no matter what happens on March 4th - good, bad or otherwise - that I would learn more about my Savior and come to need Him desperately. That having a God perspective would matter more to me than good test results, seizure free days or walking.
Please do not misunderstand, this is hard and I am not a big fan of any of it, but if it draws me closer to my Jesus, then so be it. God is faithful and I know He is journeying with me. Thank you, my sweet friends that faithfully read, for bringing me before the Father - you will never know this side of Heaven how humbled and honored I am that you take time to pray for me.
So blessed today that it IS well with my soul and praying that is is well with yours!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Battle Weary...
Yesterday I went to see my third rheumatologist to get the bottom of all the pain I am having throughout my body. It was a good visit, we liked the doctor very much. She asked me lots of questions including, "Have you ever been tested for Lupus?" I haven't and she was somewhat concerned it could be that, RA or Schleroderma. We did blood work - 11 tubes of blood, and I will get the results back on March 4th, it takes 2 weeks for the Lupus testing.
I left the appointment feeling a little overwhelmed and in all honesty I was asking this of my God.
"Lord, something else? Isn't it already enough?"
So, as I write this today I must say that I am going through what I like to call "Life Fatigue" - you know what I mean, we all have these times when life just becomes too much. For me, I am tired, worn and just plain ready to be done with this roller coaster ride I have been on for 42 years. My body aches from so much pain and my head is spinning from all the new medications I have started in the last month. Since the middle of January I also found out my Thyroid is low - new pill for that, my Progesterone level is low - new pill for that and my Vitamin D level is very low - 2 new pills for that. And of course, we top it all off with an endless supply of seizures and the medication that goes with that!
I felt that I needed to be very honest with all of my wonderful readers today and let you all know that I am having a tough time. I am human and right now my heart is heavy and, like the title says - I am battle weary.
God has been so good to speak to me over the past few hours and remind me once again that He is God and I am not - am I the only one who forgets that from time to time? I have heard Him say to me several times in the last few hours -
"I will not leave you or forsake you. I am your God and I will go before you, My grace is sufficient."
I am always thankful when the Lord speaks to me. He reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him. I can and will rejoice in the hope that I have in the Lord - even when it is tough to do so.
So, for the next 2 weeks I will wait... and pray. I will rest in my Jesus, who holds my very overwhelmed heart in His mighty Hand. I will also trust that the outcome of all of this will draw me closer to Him and bring Him glory. And lastly, I will be still and know that He is God.
Thank you all for waiting and praying with me.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
I left the appointment feeling a little overwhelmed and in all honesty I was asking this of my God.
"Lord, something else? Isn't it already enough?"
So, as I write this today I must say that I am going through what I like to call "Life Fatigue" - you know what I mean, we all have these times when life just becomes too much. For me, I am tired, worn and just plain ready to be done with this roller coaster ride I have been on for 42 years. My body aches from so much pain and my head is spinning from all the new medications I have started in the last month. Since the middle of January I also found out my Thyroid is low - new pill for that, my Progesterone level is low - new pill for that and my Vitamin D level is very low - 2 new pills for that. And of course, we top it all off with an endless supply of seizures and the medication that goes with that!
I felt that I needed to be very honest with all of my wonderful readers today and let you all know that I am having a tough time. I am human and right now my heart is heavy and, like the title says - I am battle weary.
God has been so good to speak to me over the past few hours and remind me once again that He is God and I am not - am I the only one who forgets that from time to time? I have heard Him say to me several times in the last few hours -
"I will not leave you or forsake you. I am your God and I will go before you, My grace is sufficient."
I am always thankful when the Lord speaks to me. He reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him. I can and will rejoice in the hope that I have in the Lord - even when it is tough to do so.
So, for the next 2 weeks I will wait... and pray. I will rest in my Jesus, who holds my very overwhelmed heart in His mighty Hand. I will also trust that the outcome of all of this will draw me closer to Him and bring Him glory. And lastly, I will be still and know that He is God.
Thank you all for waiting and praying with me.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Never the Same
Over the years I have had lots of questions about my first seizure. When was it? How old was I? Where was I? So, today I have decided to share the experience that has changed me forever...
On July 21, 1985 my life was altered in a matter of minutes. The day started out like any other, it was a Sunday and I was getting ready for church. Stephen and I had been dating all of 6 months - we were so young, 17 and about to be Seniors in High School. We had been visiting my aunt's church and that is where we were on this particular morning.
I had on my new blue and grey checked dress and was looking particularly cute, if I do say so myself. Stephen and I were attending the Youth service in this church and in a matter of seconds I began to feel something I had never felt before, but, would come to experience many, many times in my life.
My left hand began to tingle with very sharp intensity. And I started hearing the voices around me sound like they were miles off. I fell over onto Stephen's lap and before we knew it I was unconscious and seizing. That is all I remember but, later I was told I had a grand mal seizure - whatever that meant...
My memories from this day are choppy and unclear. The next thing I remember is Stephen and someone from the church driving me home. Stephen had already called my parents who were going to spend the day with my aunt and uncle on Lake Conroe. Stephen was able to reach them just before they left - God was working even when we didn't know it.
My mother came running out to the car with a look of panic and fear that I have never seen (even to this day) on her face. I can still see her wearing a white house dress with red piping around the edges. "What happened? What happened?" were the only things she and Daddy could manage to say. Before I knew it we were on the way to Texas Children's Hospital and there I would stay for the next 11 days. I had every test you can imagine to try to determine the cause of the seizure and what was going on with me.
Terrified did not even begin to describe the way I felt - the way we all felt. I had no idea what had just happened to me and I sure did not want it to ever happen again. I had never seen a seizure in my life and knew nothing about this very foreign word that was being thrown around for the next 11 days.
Epilepsy.
We knew very little at this time but the doctors had decided that the seizure was probably caused due to the brain condition I was born with. All I knew was I spent every minute trying to forget the whole thing - I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to focus on anything but seizures. I was very quickly put on a seizure medication to prevent further episodes - as we all know now that did not work and has been an uphill battle for going on 25 years. But at the time, we were just learning.
We learned a lot about seizures those two weeks in the hospital. The one I had was a tonic clonic or grand mal seizure - these are the big seizures where you loose consciousness and your body becomes very stiff and rigid with lots of shaking and jerking. I have had many hundreds of these types of seizures to date and they are still the scariest.
My life has never been the same...
Yes, seizures and physical challenges have been the brunt of the changes in my life over the past almost 25 years. Medications - too many to count, reactions from those same medications, injuries, hospital stays, limitations, and finally the wheelchair. But there is another reason - the main reason that I have never been the same. It is my God who has walked with me and carried me through all the hurt, pain and loss.
The disabilities I struggle with every day have driven me to the Cross of Christ more times than I can count and for this I am eternally grateful. My Jesus has been my Rock, fortress, refuge and strength through it all. I could have never survived one day without Him.
It has taken me a long, long time to be able to say this but I am so thankful for that day in July so many years ago. I would not trade it or give it back or even try to pray it away. God has used all of the tough times to draw me unto Him, to reveal more of Himself to me and to make me more like Him - I still have a long way to go on that last one but, I am, at least on my way.
One of my very favorite people and heroes in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada, has said, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." I believe that is one the most most profound and true statements that I have ever heard. God allows suffering to show more of who He is and draw us closer to Him. It is a tough concept, I know. But I know from 42 years of physical hardship and leaning on the God of the Universe - it is true.
And through of all of this, I am so thankful to never be the same - I am forever blessed!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"I will praise You, O Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2
On July 21, 1985 my life was altered in a matter of minutes. The day started out like any other, it was a Sunday and I was getting ready for church. Stephen and I had been dating all of 6 months - we were so young, 17 and about to be Seniors in High School. We had been visiting my aunt's church and that is where we were on this particular morning.
I had on my new blue and grey checked dress and was looking particularly cute, if I do say so myself. Stephen and I were attending the Youth service in this church and in a matter of seconds I began to feel something I had never felt before, but, would come to experience many, many times in my life.
My left hand began to tingle with very sharp intensity. And I started hearing the voices around me sound like they were miles off. I fell over onto Stephen's lap and before we knew it I was unconscious and seizing. That is all I remember but, later I was told I had a grand mal seizure - whatever that meant...
My memories from this day are choppy and unclear. The next thing I remember is Stephen and someone from the church driving me home. Stephen had already called my parents who were going to spend the day with my aunt and uncle on Lake Conroe. Stephen was able to reach them just before they left - God was working even when we didn't know it.
My mother came running out to the car with a look of panic and fear that I have never seen (even to this day) on her face. I can still see her wearing a white house dress with red piping around the edges. "What happened? What happened?" were the only things she and Daddy could manage to say. Before I knew it we were on the way to Texas Children's Hospital and there I would stay for the next 11 days. I had every test you can imagine to try to determine the cause of the seizure and what was going on with me.
Terrified did not even begin to describe the way I felt - the way we all felt. I had no idea what had just happened to me and I sure did not want it to ever happen again. I had never seen a seizure in my life and knew nothing about this very foreign word that was being thrown around for the next 11 days.
Epilepsy.
We knew very little at this time but the doctors had decided that the seizure was probably caused due to the brain condition I was born with. All I knew was I spent every minute trying to forget the whole thing - I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to focus on anything but seizures. I was very quickly put on a seizure medication to prevent further episodes - as we all know now that did not work and has been an uphill battle for going on 25 years. But at the time, we were just learning.
We learned a lot about seizures those two weeks in the hospital. The one I had was a tonic clonic or grand mal seizure - these are the big seizures where you loose consciousness and your body becomes very stiff and rigid with lots of shaking and jerking. I have had many hundreds of these types of seizures to date and they are still the scariest.
My life has never been the same...
Yes, seizures and physical challenges have been the brunt of the changes in my life over the past almost 25 years. Medications - too many to count, reactions from those same medications, injuries, hospital stays, limitations, and finally the wheelchair. But there is another reason - the main reason that I have never been the same. It is my God who has walked with me and carried me through all the hurt, pain and loss.
The disabilities I struggle with every day have driven me to the Cross of Christ more times than I can count and for this I am eternally grateful. My Jesus has been my Rock, fortress, refuge and strength through it all. I could have never survived one day without Him.
It has taken me a long, long time to be able to say this but I am so thankful for that day in July so many years ago. I would not trade it or give it back or even try to pray it away. God has used all of the tough times to draw me unto Him, to reveal more of Himself to me and to make me more like Him - I still have a long way to go on that last one but, I am, at least on my way.
One of my very favorite people and heroes in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada, has said, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." I believe that is one the most most profound and true statements that I have ever heard. God allows suffering to show more of who He is and draw us closer to Him. It is a tough concept, I know. But I know from 42 years of physical hardship and leaning on the God of the Universe - it is true.
And through of all of this, I am so thankful to never be the same - I am forever blessed!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"I will praise You, O Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hope is a good thing...
Hope is one of those words you hear all the time, it has become so commonplace in our day.
I hope you have a good day...
We are hoping against hope...
I hope you feel better soon...
It is almost as if we are using the word hope as our very own wishing well. Just sort of throwing it out there like throwing pennies into a fountain. And if we say it enough - we just might get our wish... or hope as it were.
As a believer in the Lord Jesus, I am so very thankful to know that my hope is not some wish made on a prayer or something that is impersonal and cold. My hope (and yours too, if you know the Lord) is not a thing at all. Our hope is a Person - the person of Jesus.
He is real, tangible, living and wants us to know more than anything that He alone is our HOPE.
I know for me, especially on weeks like this one when I have been sick, had more seizures than I can count and been in great amounts of pain from arthritis, for me to be able to reach out and call on my Savior who died for me so that I could have hope - it is the greatest comfort.
This week 3 precious friends of mine have lost loved ones and it has been very tough on them and their families. Death is always so hard and so final. I am praying for these sweet friends and trusting the Lord to heal their broken hearts. But in all of the grief I know that there is much HOPE. Hope that they will see their beloved one again and hope that they are now resting in the arms of the One who loves them more than they will ever know. They are holding on to the fact that hope is indeed a good thing...
One of my favorite quotes is from the movie, The Shawshank Redemption...
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies, so get busy living or get busy dying."
As a person with disabilities this speaks volumes to me. First, it says that my hope, my faith, my trust, my belief needs to be sure and steady. And not in myself, my wheelchair, my doctor or even my sweet husband that I love so much - my hope must be eternal, everlasting and unshakable. My hope must be in Christ alone.
Second, it reminds me that hope is precious, a good thing. That the Lord has given to His children to remind them we always have Him to hold on to - the best of things.
Webster's defines hope as: to wish for something with expectation to its fulfillment, to have confidence, trust.
God's Word tells us:
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 As Christ followers, we can be sure of the hope we have in Him with our hearts and not so much with our eyes.
And finally, this quote reminds me that life is so short - something that my sweet friends who have met death face to face this week, know all too well. For me it tells me that I have a choice each day, I can sit and wollow over the things that I cannot do any longer or are far too difficult for me these days or I can rejoice in my God the all sufficient grace that He pours down on me each day - in other words I can get busy living. Although it has taken me a while to get to this place, I choose to do just that - LIVE!
We all have so much to give, no matter where our journey in life takes us or the hills and valleys we encounter along the way. I know for me I want to rejoice in the hope of the Lord and allow God to use me in any way He sees fit. And that, my precious friends, is what He wants for you as well. So today, I encourage you to remember that hope is a good, good thing and let us all get busy living!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
I hope you have a good day...
We are hoping against hope...
I hope you feel better soon...
It is almost as if we are using the word hope as our very own wishing well. Just sort of throwing it out there like throwing pennies into a fountain. And if we say it enough - we just might get our wish... or hope as it were.
As a believer in the Lord Jesus, I am so very thankful to know that my hope is not some wish made on a prayer or something that is impersonal and cold. My hope (and yours too, if you know the Lord) is not a thing at all. Our hope is a Person - the person of Jesus.
He is real, tangible, living and wants us to know more than anything that He alone is our HOPE.
I know for me, especially on weeks like this one when I have been sick, had more seizures than I can count and been in great amounts of pain from arthritis, for me to be able to reach out and call on my Savior who died for me so that I could have hope - it is the greatest comfort.
This week 3 precious friends of mine have lost loved ones and it has been very tough on them and their families. Death is always so hard and so final. I am praying for these sweet friends and trusting the Lord to heal their broken hearts. But in all of the grief I know that there is much HOPE. Hope that they will see their beloved one again and hope that they are now resting in the arms of the One who loves them more than they will ever know. They are holding on to the fact that hope is indeed a good thing...
One of my favorite quotes is from the movie, The Shawshank Redemption...
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies, so get busy living or get busy dying."
As a person with disabilities this speaks volumes to me. First, it says that my hope, my faith, my trust, my belief needs to be sure and steady. And not in myself, my wheelchair, my doctor or even my sweet husband that I love so much - my hope must be eternal, everlasting and unshakable. My hope must be in Christ alone.
Second, it reminds me that hope is precious, a good thing. That the Lord has given to His children to remind them we always have Him to hold on to - the best of things.
Webster's defines hope as: to wish for something with expectation to its fulfillment, to have confidence, trust.
God's Word tells us:
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 As Christ followers, we can be sure of the hope we have in Him with our hearts and not so much with our eyes.
And finally, this quote reminds me that life is so short - something that my sweet friends who have met death face to face this week, know all too well. For me it tells me that I have a choice each day, I can sit and wollow over the things that I cannot do any longer or are far too difficult for me these days or I can rejoice in my God the all sufficient grace that He pours down on me each day - in other words I can get busy living. Although it has taken me a while to get to this place, I choose to do just that - LIVE!
We all have so much to give, no matter where our journey in life takes us or the hills and valleys we encounter along the way. I know for me I want to rejoice in the hope of the Lord and allow God to use me in any way He sees fit. And that, my precious friends, is what He wants for you as well. So today, I encourage you to remember that hope is a good, good thing and let us all get busy living!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
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