Although these are not my words, I feel it could not be said any better. This is from yesterday's update on the "Joni and Friends" website. I have said many times how I love Joni Eareckson Tada. She does not know who I am or anything about me but she has been my teacher and mentor about biblical suffering for many years now. Her words here are the prayer and heart cry of my life!
"Last Friday I was giving someone a quick tour of my art studio, when I caught him admiring a small green candy dish on the shelf. Colored with poster paint and glazed, it was the obvious work of a child. Well, a 17-year-old child. I explained that it was the first thing I'd ever painted holding brushes between my teeth; it was 1967, the week before Christmas in occupational therapy, and I was glad I could at least smear paint on a ceramic candy dish as a present for my parents.
That first Christmas in the hospital was hard. The way I saw it, God was asking way too much of me. Not only was the use of my body taken away at Christmas time, but also the joy of giving 'normal' gifts. Nothing was right; everything was wrong. By the next Christmas, however, my heart softened. Maybe I am concentrating too much on what God is asking of me and not enough on what he’s given me. Was accepting a broken body unreasonable? Of course not. He gave more than everything. As Romans 8 says, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Things like peace that's profound. A settled soul. Rock-solid contentment. It happened then, and it has happened again. Especially now, this Christmas, what with so many recent hospital visits still fresh in my memory and Ken's."
Last Sunday our pastor said, "When the angels appeared over Bethlehem, theirs wasn't a lullaby, it was a battle cry." He's right. The birth of Christ may have ended the enmity between God and man with the announcement, "Peace on earth and goodwill toward men," but our adversary, the devil, only sneered at the peace-offering in the manger that night. It only heightened his war against God and His people -- Herod's slaughter of innocent babies in Bethlehem only proved it. And 2000 years later, the war is still raging. So friend, join me on the front lines. Nothing God ever asks of you is 'unreasonable.' It's why I pray that this Christmas week, no matter what your affliction, you'll find peace, once again, in celebrating all that the Father has graciously given us in His Son, our Savior. What a glorious and generous gift!
What a generous gift indeed! Merry Christmas to all!!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Come, Let Us Adore HIM!
Christmas is here once again! If you are anything like me, this is the best time of year - I love Christmas and I always have. Such a wonderful time in the life of a Christian, time to reflect on what Jesus' birth means to all of us. It is so much more than the celebration of His birth, it is a time to rejoice in what He came to Earth to do in the first place. He came to die a horrible death for all of us, to save us from our sins. Even in the manger so long ago God knew this was the plan.
I am overjoyed that Jesus chose to die for me (and you!) so long ago - after all, who am I that the God of the Universe should give me a second thought. But He did! He loves us all more than we could ever possibly conceive. I pray that in the coming year, you will grow closer to Him than ever before, (by the way, I am praying that for myself as well) I pray you will be strengthened and stretched in your faith as never before. I also pray that God will use you to honor Him however He thinks is best.
So, this Christmas may you all feel the love, joy and peace that only comes from knowing the Lord. As you bake, shop, mail Christmas cards, exchange gifts and spend time with your precious families; don't forget the most precious gift of all is the Lord Jesus - take time to exalt, praise and worship Him. After all, as my good friend, Linus Van Pelt says, "That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
Merry Christmas and God Bless all of you in the New Year!
Rejoicing in Christmas Hope,
Roxanne
"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; you will find the baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests." Luke 2:11-14
I am overjoyed that Jesus chose to die for me (and you!) so long ago - after all, who am I that the God of the Universe should give me a second thought. But He did! He loves us all more than we could ever possibly conceive. I pray that in the coming year, you will grow closer to Him than ever before, (by the way, I am praying that for myself as well) I pray you will be strengthened and stretched in your faith as never before. I also pray that God will use you to honor Him however He thinks is best.
So, this Christmas may you all feel the love, joy and peace that only comes from knowing the Lord. As you bake, shop, mail Christmas cards, exchange gifts and spend time with your precious families; don't forget the most precious gift of all is the Lord Jesus - take time to exalt, praise and worship Him. After all, as my good friend, Linus Van Pelt says, "That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
Merry Christmas and God Bless all of you in the New Year!
Rejoicing in Christmas Hope,
Roxanne
"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; you will find the baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests." Luke 2:11-14
Monday, December 13, 2010
A Hard Spot and a Very Big God
Over the past few weeks I have found myself in a tough spot. Longing, even craving for the freedoms I no longer have due to my physical disabilities. Each time I stand or walk for a brief time, I find myself loving it so much and wanting it to last forever. To be quite honest, I have lost something that I hold very dear - the ability to be content in my circumstances.
For many years now I have been praying very diligently for one thing: to be content and filled with joy no matter what comes my way or how difficult my days might be. I can't tell you how important this is to me - living day to day in the joy and absolute contentment of the God that holds me so tenderly. I can rationalize this all I want, it's been an extremely hard year for me, my circumstances are hard - why not feel bad about it once and a while and a list of a thousand other things. But the truth is I have lost sight (temporarily) of what matters most and what the Lord has called me to.
Several years ago I became keenly aware of the fact that I have been called to a ministry of suffering. Before you think I have lost my mind, let me be very clear. I know very well that our Great and Mighty God is able and still heals today and if He chooses that for me I will rejoice, but, for now this is where I am and I want my life to honor Him no matter what.
With all that said, I have taken my eyes off of that great calling in the last couple of weeks. I have forgotten that walking is not the most important thing, that Jesus is all I need and that I should rejoice in hope at all times. Life is just sometimes very hard and I become overwhelmed with all the difficulties every now and then - I am thankful that God knows this and loves me in spite of my sin and shortcomings.
So, today I am writing not only to confess where I have failed but to say that God has renewed me and brought me back to the place I need and long to be.
I am blessed to know (once again) that God is so very faithful and He is indeed all I need. My circumstances are hard and sometimes they overwhelm me to the point that I can't breathe. But through it all - God is bigger and His grace is most sufficient. I am overjoyed to again remember that Almighty God is leading me down this path for His glory and my good - that alone makes it all worth it.
Thank You Lord Jesus for again reminding me of what it's all about and drawing me closer to You. As my wonderful mentor and hero in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada says, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." He hates the sorrow and hardship that his children face but he loves when those very things bring us closer to Him so that we may be more like Him. Praying I will not soon forget this.
Rejoicing in Great Hope,
Roxanne
"My hope comes from God, He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress. I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6
For many years now I have been praying very diligently for one thing: to be content and filled with joy no matter what comes my way or how difficult my days might be. I can't tell you how important this is to me - living day to day in the joy and absolute contentment of the God that holds me so tenderly. I can rationalize this all I want, it's been an extremely hard year for me, my circumstances are hard - why not feel bad about it once and a while and a list of a thousand other things. But the truth is I have lost sight (temporarily) of what matters most and what the Lord has called me to.
Several years ago I became keenly aware of the fact that I have been called to a ministry of suffering. Before you think I have lost my mind, let me be very clear. I know very well that our Great and Mighty God is able and still heals today and if He chooses that for me I will rejoice, but, for now this is where I am and I want my life to honor Him no matter what.
With all that said, I have taken my eyes off of that great calling in the last couple of weeks. I have forgotten that walking is not the most important thing, that Jesus is all I need and that I should rejoice in hope at all times. Life is just sometimes very hard and I become overwhelmed with all the difficulties every now and then - I am thankful that God knows this and loves me in spite of my sin and shortcomings.
So, today I am writing not only to confess where I have failed but to say that God has renewed me and brought me back to the place I need and long to be.
I am blessed to know (once again) that God is so very faithful and He is indeed all I need. My circumstances are hard and sometimes they overwhelm me to the point that I can't breathe. But through it all - God is bigger and His grace is most sufficient. I am overjoyed to again remember that Almighty God is leading me down this path for His glory and my good - that alone makes it all worth it.
Thank You Lord Jesus for again reminding me of what it's all about and drawing me closer to You. As my wonderful mentor and hero in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada says, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." He hates the sorrow and hardship that his children face but he loves when those very things bring us closer to Him so that we may be more like Him. Praying I will not soon forget this.
Rejoicing in Great Hope,
Roxanne
"My hope comes from God, He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress. I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Shingles, Seizures and Other Stuff...
It has been a lifetime since I have posted - at least that is how it feels. I have had several things going on that have slowed me down in the past six weeks.
In early October I came down with the shingles. If you have never had it, pray you never get it. It was most painful and lasted 14 days for me. I am very happy to report that I am fully recovered - Praise the Lord!
I have also continued to have staggering numbers where seizures are concerned. My last seizure free day was October 30th. I continue to look to my Jesus to sustain me and as as always, He does that and more.
November is Epilepsy Awareness Month and I am asking everyone to pray for all those who suffer from seizures and for a cure. Epilepsy continues to be very neglected in research and funding but I am hopeful that will change. God is bigger than all sickness and disease and He is able!
The other big issue going on with me is I just found out my hormones are way out of balance and I have started early menopause. I have been dealing with many symptoms for a few years now but 2 weeks ago I had some blood work done, we were a little surprised at just how "out of whack" my hormones are. The words my doctor used are "severely deficient" and "numbers dipping way down into menopause levels." All we can say is no wonder I have been feeling so rotten! I have started hormone replacement therapy and I am praying this new regiment of meds will help in many ways!
We have had some wonderful blessings occur in the past 6 weeks as well. Stephen and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on October 28. I am so honored to have shared half my life with this amazing man. Thank you Lord for allowing Stephen to pick me so many years ago.
Josh began 7th grade at our wonderful Providence Classical School - he is officially in Upper School and doing great. It is almost unbelievable to see how much he is growing and changing - 13 years have just flown by. He also attended his first Jr. Cotillion and is having a great time doing it with all his buddies.
As we approach the Thanksgiving holidays, I find myself being so humbled and honored to be on this journey in which God has called me. I am so very thankful to share in the sufferings of my Lord, "that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, conformed to His death." Phil. 3:10. I am thankful that Christ has allowed me to know Him better, depend on Him with all I have and be conformed to His likeness through the avenue of suffering. It is not easy and sometimes it is so overwhelming that it almost takes my breath, but the grace that covers and sustains me leaves me speechless - except to stammer out once again, "thank you Jesus."
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thes. 5:18
In early October I came down with the shingles. If you have never had it, pray you never get it. It was most painful and lasted 14 days for me. I am very happy to report that I am fully recovered - Praise the Lord!
I have also continued to have staggering numbers where seizures are concerned. My last seizure free day was October 30th. I continue to look to my Jesus to sustain me and as as always, He does that and more.
November is Epilepsy Awareness Month and I am asking everyone to pray for all those who suffer from seizures and for a cure. Epilepsy continues to be very neglected in research and funding but I am hopeful that will change. God is bigger than all sickness and disease and He is able!
The other big issue going on with me is I just found out my hormones are way out of balance and I have started early menopause. I have been dealing with many symptoms for a few years now but 2 weeks ago I had some blood work done, we were a little surprised at just how "out of whack" my hormones are. The words my doctor used are "severely deficient" and "numbers dipping way down into menopause levels." All we can say is no wonder I have been feeling so rotten! I have started hormone replacement therapy and I am praying this new regiment of meds will help in many ways!
We have had some wonderful blessings occur in the past 6 weeks as well. Stephen and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on October 28. I am so honored to have shared half my life with this amazing man. Thank you Lord for allowing Stephen to pick me so many years ago.
Josh began 7th grade at our wonderful Providence Classical School - he is officially in Upper School and doing great. It is almost unbelievable to see how much he is growing and changing - 13 years have just flown by. He also attended his first Jr. Cotillion and is having a great time doing it with all his buddies.
As we approach the Thanksgiving holidays, I find myself being so humbled and honored to be on this journey in which God has called me. I am so very thankful to share in the sufferings of my Lord, "that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, conformed to His death." Phil. 3:10. I am thankful that Christ has allowed me to know Him better, depend on Him with all I have and be conformed to His likeness through the avenue of suffering. It is not easy and sometimes it is so overwhelming that it almost takes my breath, but the grace that covers and sustains me leaves me speechless - except to stammer out once again, "thank you Jesus."
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thes. 5:18
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Just Another Sunday....
A few Sunday's ago Josh came down to meet us in "big church" as he does every week. My mom radar was in high gear that day and I noticed he just wasn't himself - he just looked odd to me. I asked him if anything was wrong, he said, "not really" but I knew something was up. I asked him again and he told me, "I got some drastic news today" - this is teenage speak for something big and not so good that just happened. He was having such a hard time getting out the words when it hit me what the "something drastic" was. So, I came out and asked him, "Is Jared moving?" He looked stunned, "How in the world did you know that?" "I'm your mom, its my job to know."
Jared is one of Josh's very best friends, they have known each other since the first grade - we love Jared, he is in and out of our house all the time. Nothing is better than when your children have true, wonderful friends.
Josh was and still is, heartbroken. As I looked at him sitting next to me in church, he seemed so little. My thirteen year old son who is now shaving and taller than me looked about 2 years old again. I could picture him sitting there, thumb in mouth and blue blankie in hand for security. At this moment - like any good mother who loves her child more than life, I lost it.
I really don't think there is anything worse than seeing your children hurt. And in that moment, I was just overcome with sorrow for my sweet Josh. I wish I could say I only cried a little and was really lady-like about it but that is just not the case. Every emotion and all the pain I have been dealing with for the past 6 or so months came crashing down around me. Every seizure, the struggle with the medication that has made me so very sick since mid April, the grief I have felt every day since Maw-Maw went to be with the Lord in July and now this - like a flood it all just washed over me.
After a few minutes, I tried to compose myself. I cried out to the Lord and asked Him how much more can we take? God, in His mercy, love and wisdom was quick to remind me He was there holding me once again. I was then reminded of one of my favorite Scriptures, one that the Lord gave to me so long ago on another hard day - the day I surrendered to my wheelchair full time.
"And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8
God in His sovereignty helped me see once again, that nothing that could ever happen could take Him by surprise. He will always go before me and be the Light for my path - and He will do the same for Josh as he misses his friend.
So today, I want to encourage all of you who may feel like you just can't take another hard blow - God is in it with you, He is walking before you and will never leave you. Be strong in Him and allow your faith to grow and your hope to stretch. If we can't see the Lord in the hard times, we won't see Him when times are good either. Either way He alone is God!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Jared is one of Josh's very best friends, they have known each other since the first grade - we love Jared, he is in and out of our house all the time. Nothing is better than when your children have true, wonderful friends.
Josh was and still is, heartbroken. As I looked at him sitting next to me in church, he seemed so little. My thirteen year old son who is now shaving and taller than me looked about 2 years old again. I could picture him sitting there, thumb in mouth and blue blankie in hand for security. At this moment - like any good mother who loves her child more than life, I lost it.
I really don't think there is anything worse than seeing your children hurt. And in that moment, I was just overcome with sorrow for my sweet Josh. I wish I could say I only cried a little and was really lady-like about it but that is just not the case. Every emotion and all the pain I have been dealing with for the past 6 or so months came crashing down around me. Every seizure, the struggle with the medication that has made me so very sick since mid April, the grief I have felt every day since Maw-Maw went to be with the Lord in July and now this - like a flood it all just washed over me.
After a few minutes, I tried to compose myself. I cried out to the Lord and asked Him how much more can we take? God, in His mercy, love and wisdom was quick to remind me He was there holding me once again. I was then reminded of one of my favorite Scriptures, one that the Lord gave to me so long ago on another hard day - the day I surrendered to my wheelchair full time.
"And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8
God in His sovereignty helped me see once again, that nothing that could ever happen could take Him by surprise. He will always go before me and be the Light for my path - and He will do the same for Josh as he misses his friend.
So today, I want to encourage all of you who may feel like you just can't take another hard blow - God is in it with you, He is walking before you and will never leave you. Be strong in Him and allow your faith to grow and your hope to stretch. If we can't see the Lord in the hard times, we won't see Him when times are good either. Either way He alone is God!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Medicine Dance
For the past 25 years I have had numerous dance partners, mind you they have all been the different types of seizure medications that I have tried and tried again in hopes of finding one to control the many seizures that plague me almost daily. When one doesn't work we move on down the line to the next one - just like
the "Stag" line in the dances they have on the Andy Griffith Show.
Trying medication is hard, one of the hardest things I have to do and the novelty wore off a long time ago for me. There are so many wonderful friends that I have that get so excited for me each time I try a new med (or re-try as the case may be) and I love them for their enthusiasm but it is truly something after all these years that I have come to dislike greatly.
Each time I try something new, I have a litany of things going through my mind:
What are the side effects? I am sensitive to EVERY medication that has ever been made, what will the reaction be? Nausea, Toxicity, rash, something else... Will I be able to get past the side effects to even see if there is a chance this will work?...
"Don't get your hopes up... It is only medication, I know my true hope is in the Lord. We have been down this road before..."
"It is working, I have had a few seizure free weeks... could this be it?"
"It is not working at all... one more time, one more medicine? Will anything ever help?"
It is really hard not to get my hopes up when I try something new (or again) but I am training myself to just give it to the Lord and stay content where I am - no matter where that may be. God has been teaching me to be content in my physical circumstances - I am a slow learner but I am growing.
I have been doing the "medicine dance" for about 8 months now with 2 different meds and it is safe to say they have not been good dance partners at all. This has been such a hard year but I am clinging to the Lord and trusting Him to provide me with wisdom and cover me with grace - He always does His part.
For the past five months I have given more than a fair chance to the Zonegran I am trying for the second time. Nausea and toxicity have been close friends (or should I say enemies) of mine!I have tried to increase this med three times over the five months with no success and frustration and heartbreak don't begin to cover it at this point - my emotions are raw and I am worn and weary from feeling so crummy all the time.
Stephen and I have decided to give this medication one last try, so, on Sept. 20th I will try to increase once again. If I react negativity I will stop it for good and find another med for me to try - another dance partner, maybe this one will be the one to make it all the way around the floor! I am hopeful.
I covet your prayers for me at this time, please know it means everything to me to know you are praying. I know that the Lord sees the BIG picture here including what I am unable to see. I give it all to Him - even the hurt, disappointment and bad days. He is God and I know He is in control. I will continue to praise Him and give Him glory in all things for He is my hope!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5
the "Stag" line in the dances they have on the Andy Griffith Show.
Trying medication is hard, one of the hardest things I have to do and the novelty wore off a long time ago for me. There are so many wonderful friends that I have that get so excited for me each time I try a new med (or re-try as the case may be) and I love them for their enthusiasm but it is truly something after all these years that I have come to dislike greatly.
Each time I try something new, I have a litany of things going through my mind:
What are the side effects? I am sensitive to EVERY medication that has ever been made, what will the reaction be? Nausea, Toxicity, rash, something else... Will I be able to get past the side effects to even see if there is a chance this will work?...
"Don't get your hopes up... It is only medication, I know my true hope is in the Lord. We have been down this road before..."
"It is working, I have had a few seizure free weeks... could this be it?"
"It is not working at all... one more time, one more medicine? Will anything ever help?"
It is really hard not to get my hopes up when I try something new (or again) but I am training myself to just give it to the Lord and stay content where I am - no matter where that may be. God has been teaching me to be content in my physical circumstances - I am a slow learner but I am growing.
I have been doing the "medicine dance" for about 8 months now with 2 different meds and it is safe to say they have not been good dance partners at all. This has been such a hard year but I am clinging to the Lord and trusting Him to provide me with wisdom and cover me with grace - He always does His part.
For the past five months I have given more than a fair chance to the Zonegran I am trying for the second time. Nausea and toxicity have been close friends (or should I say enemies) of mine!I have tried to increase this med three times over the five months with no success and frustration and heartbreak don't begin to cover it at this point - my emotions are raw and I am worn and weary from feeling so crummy all the time.
Stephen and I have decided to give this medication one last try, so, on Sept. 20th I will try to increase once again. If I react negativity I will stop it for good and find another med for me to try - another dance partner, maybe this one will be the one to make it all the way around the floor! I am hopeful.
I covet your prayers for me at this time, please know it means everything to me to know you are praying. I know that the Lord sees the BIG picture here including what I am unable to see. I give it all to Him - even the hurt, disappointment and bad days. He is God and I know He is in control. I will continue to praise Him and give Him glory in all things for He is my hope!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Being Held...
This is the longest I have gone without writing and I have missed it. The past month has been a tough one for me, I am still adjusting to life without my Maw - Maw and I must say some days have just almost overwhelmed me with how much I miss her. I am still mourning a lot and I know that will take some time. The Lord has been so good to me and I have truly felt His presence in an awesome and powerful way. It is so amazing that when you are feeling so empty, He is there to fill you once again.
I have also had several tough weeks physically. A few weeks with seizures and this week I increased my new seizure medication in hopes of seeing some seizure free days only to have a toxic reaction, I have had several days of being very dizzy and light-headed. This medicine has been frustrating, to say the least, it seems like we take one step forward only to get knocked back two.
Again, I find great comfort that my God is a defender of the weak and He gives power to those who need strength. I am being held by that wonderful and awesome truth right now. God is so good and I am always in awe of how He loves me - and you!
I often get asked how I can smile and look so happy when I am dealing with so much. For the record, here is my answer: I am a quivering mass of jelly every day, I cry, I hurt and some days even get mad but, in the end I am carried in the mighty Arms of my Savior - knowing He carries me and gives me security like nothing I can describe. I am safe in His Arms and I know that everything that happens in my life, good or not so good, is first filtered through His mighty Hands. So, it is all God's grace behind the smile - thank you Lord!
Rejoicing and "Being Held" In Hope,
Roxanne
I have also had several tough weeks physically. A few weeks with seizures and this week I increased my new seizure medication in hopes of seeing some seizure free days only to have a toxic reaction, I have had several days of being very dizzy and light-headed. This medicine has been frustrating, to say the least, it seems like we take one step forward only to get knocked back two.
Again, I find great comfort that my God is a defender of the weak and He gives power to those who need strength. I am being held by that wonderful and awesome truth right now. God is so good and I am always in awe of how He loves me - and you!
I often get asked how I can smile and look so happy when I am dealing with so much. For the record, here is my answer: I am a quivering mass of jelly every day, I cry, I hurt and some days even get mad but, in the end I am carried in the mighty Arms of my Savior - knowing He carries me and gives me security like nothing I can describe. I am safe in His Arms and I know that everything that happens in my life, good or not so good, is first filtered through His mighty Hands. So, it is all God's grace behind the smile - thank you Lord!
Rejoicing and "Being Held" In Hope,
Roxanne
Friday, July 30, 2010
Maw-Maw
Yesterday I did something I have been dreading for some time now. I went to my sweet Maw-Maw's funeral and it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
She has been going downhill for over a year now but the last few months have been the worst and over the last couple of weeks we knew she did not have long.
Early Saturday morning Stephen, Josh and I got in the car and drove to Austin where she had been living with my Aunt. I had prepared myself as much as I could, but no one can really be prepared for things like this. She had been moved to a Hospice facility the day before we got there and they had already said she wouldn't make it through the weekend. My heart shattered when I walked in and saw my grandma, who had always been so strong and cooked three meals a day for as long as I can remember, look so weak and like no one I knew at all. With her family surrounding her,she went to be with the Lord at 4:20 Saturday afternoon. We rejoice in the fact that she is not suffering anymore and that she is standing in the presence of Holy God - and as my family has been saying all week, "if there is a kitchen in Heaven, she is already cooking and baking as much as she can."
But I have to admit I am feeling so many other things and this has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember in my life. Memories are flooding my mind and I am so thankful for the rich, Italian history full of tradition in which I was raised. I am blessed to have spent countless summers, and times with Maw-Maw. I will always remember Hershey bars in the refrigerator - she taught me this was the best way to eat them, pancakes on Friday mornings, pasta on Sunday's, trips to Austin with no less than three desserts that she made and every Christmas Eve at her house - that is a memory that will live in my heart forever.
The memories are so sweet but last night after four days of crying and not being able to really control that emotion, I realized I am feeling something else. I am grieving. Maw-maw has died and I feel like part of me has died as well. I have lost other people in my life - even other grandparents. I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard, except that she was my last grandparent and been with me the longest. I feel as though my childhood door has just slammed shut, never to be opened again. Now I know this is a little ridiculous coming from a 42 year old woman but I guess as long as Maw-Maw was living I still had a hold on that childhood.
One thing I have come to realize over the past few days is there is no formula for grief. There is no right or wrong, no appropriate duration. It is what it is... grief. So, I will continue to cry and be heartbroken, and remember Maw-Maw and I will also continue to know that as a Christian, I have hope, even in the midst of deep sorrow.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
She has been going downhill for over a year now but the last few months have been the worst and over the last couple of weeks we knew she did not have long.
Early Saturday morning Stephen, Josh and I got in the car and drove to Austin where she had been living with my Aunt. I had prepared myself as much as I could, but no one can really be prepared for things like this. She had been moved to a Hospice facility the day before we got there and they had already said she wouldn't make it through the weekend. My heart shattered when I walked in and saw my grandma, who had always been so strong and cooked three meals a day for as long as I can remember, look so weak and like no one I knew at all. With her family surrounding her,she went to be with the Lord at 4:20 Saturday afternoon. We rejoice in the fact that she is not suffering anymore and that she is standing in the presence of Holy God - and as my family has been saying all week, "if there is a kitchen in Heaven, she is already cooking and baking as much as she can."
But I have to admit I am feeling so many other things and this has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember in my life. Memories are flooding my mind and I am so thankful for the rich, Italian history full of tradition in which I was raised. I am blessed to have spent countless summers, and times with Maw-Maw. I will always remember Hershey bars in the refrigerator - she taught me this was the best way to eat them, pancakes on Friday mornings, pasta on Sunday's, trips to Austin with no less than three desserts that she made and every Christmas Eve at her house - that is a memory that will live in my heart forever.
The memories are so sweet but last night after four days of crying and not being able to really control that emotion, I realized I am feeling something else. I am grieving. Maw-maw has died and I feel like part of me has died as well. I have lost other people in my life - even other grandparents. I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard, except that she was my last grandparent and been with me the longest. I feel as though my childhood door has just slammed shut, never to be opened again. Now I know this is a little ridiculous coming from a 42 year old woman but I guess as long as Maw-Maw was living I still had a hold on that childhood.
One thing I have come to realize over the past few days is there is no formula for grief. There is no right or wrong, no appropriate duration. It is what it is... grief. So, I will continue to cry and be heartbroken, and remember Maw-Maw and I will also continue to know that as a Christian, I have hope, even in the midst of deep sorrow.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
25 Years of Grace...
Twenty five years ago today I had my very first seizure. I used to dread July 21st because it meant one more year of a life that I thought I would never have. And there is still some truth to that - I would have never imagined that my life would be as it is today. Seizures almost every day,being on every seizure medicine there is and not getting help from any of them,loss of my independence and mobility, using a wheelchair by the age of 39 - my head just spins thinking about it.
Yes, while all of these things are true and still hard to swallow some days, I know that my Jesus has taught me priceless lessons over the past 25 years that I don't ever think I could put into sufficient words.
The most priceless thing God has taught me (and I think I have finally learned it!) is that there is tremendous spiritual weight and value in suffering. You can learn things during times of crisis, that, if you allow them to (that is the key) they will drive you to the very heart of Almighty God. There is no place like that in the world! I would love to say I am in that place all the time, I am not, but God in His grace continues to love me and lead me back there more and more. As Voddie Baucham says, "Trials enable people to rise above religion to God." Such truth in that - religion is wonderful but only the Living God of the Bible can walk you down the darkest journey you thought you would never see.
So, today as one more year passes for me in this "new normal" I am focusing on all that the Lord has done and will do for me. I am blessed beyond words to be able, after all these many years, to know that I know the suffering I am enduring today is working in me a far exceeding and eternal weight of glory - all of this may be unseen but it is the unseen things that have the most eternal value. I praise God for that.
I will also continue to trust my God, Who is bigger than all of my suffering. He will continue to hold me, shelter me and lead me as I follow Him. I give my Jesus all the praise and glory for every minute, good and bad, of the last 25 years and I praise Him for the next 25, knowing He is in control.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, The Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable, He gives power to the weak. And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Rejoicing in 25 years of Hope,
Roxanne
Yes, while all of these things are true and still hard to swallow some days, I know that my Jesus has taught me priceless lessons over the past 25 years that I don't ever think I could put into sufficient words.
The most priceless thing God has taught me (and I think I have finally learned it!) is that there is tremendous spiritual weight and value in suffering. You can learn things during times of crisis, that, if you allow them to (that is the key) they will drive you to the very heart of Almighty God. There is no place like that in the world! I would love to say I am in that place all the time, I am not, but God in His grace continues to love me and lead me back there more and more. As Voddie Baucham says, "Trials enable people to rise above religion to God." Such truth in that - religion is wonderful but only the Living God of the Bible can walk you down the darkest journey you thought you would never see.
So, today as one more year passes for me in this "new normal" I am focusing on all that the Lord has done and will do for me. I am blessed beyond words to be able, after all these many years, to know that I know the suffering I am enduring today is working in me a far exceeding and eternal weight of glory - all of this may be unseen but it is the unseen things that have the most eternal value. I praise God for that.
I will also continue to trust my God, Who is bigger than all of my suffering. He will continue to hold me, shelter me and lead me as I follow Him. I give my Jesus all the praise and glory for every minute, good and bad, of the last 25 years and I praise Him for the next 25, knowing He is in control.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, The Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable, He gives power to the weak. And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Rejoicing in 25 years of Hope,
Roxanne
Monday, July 12, 2010
Rain
It rained at my house most of last week - a byproduct of the hurricanes in the Gulf. The endless rain was a reminder to me of the mercy and grace that God endlessly pours down over all of us each day - like a gentle shower.
God is so good to continue to give just what we need. A lot like a good rain. The mercy and grace that comes from the Lord just pours over our souls and whets our hearts, it draws us closer to Him and helps us to see the Living God as Provider, Keeper, Maker and Healer of all that we are.
This is where I have been lately, being so sick from the nausea and side effects of my latest seizure medicine. I have felt the grace and mercy of Almighty God not only holding me but pouring over my heart and telling me over and over again, "My grace is sufficient for you and My power is made perfect in your weakness." (Paraphrased from 2 Cor. 12:9-10)
So, as just about everyone has gotten sick of the rain over the past week, I have enjoyed to sit, watch and allow the Lord to speak to me through splashing water on my windows - He is so good!
I have had a lot of seizures this past week and I am still battling this nausea. I am more than thankful for all of my wonderful Prayer Warriors - you mean everything to me, God Bless You! I am resting in the Lord knowing He is my strength and the Anchor of my soul.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
God is so good to continue to give just what we need. A lot like a good rain. The mercy and grace that comes from the Lord just pours over our souls and whets our hearts, it draws us closer to Him and helps us to see the Living God as Provider, Keeper, Maker and Healer of all that we are.
This is where I have been lately, being so sick from the nausea and side effects of my latest seizure medicine. I have felt the grace and mercy of Almighty God not only holding me but pouring over my heart and telling me over and over again, "My grace is sufficient for you and My power is made perfect in your weakness." (Paraphrased from 2 Cor. 12:9-10)
So, as just about everyone has gotten sick of the rain over the past week, I have enjoyed to sit, watch and allow the Lord to speak to me through splashing water on my windows - He is so good!
I have had a lot of seizures this past week and I am still battling this nausea. I am more than thankful for all of my wonderful Prayer Warriors - you mean everything to me, God Bless You! I am resting in the Lord knowing He is my strength and the Anchor of my soul.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Latest
I am not sure where the last week and a half have gone, it seems like an eternity since I have written and I have missed it. I have had a hard time keeping up with my normal routine lately due to some side effects I have been having from a seizure medicine I am trying.
This latest chapter all began back in April when Stephen and I decided that it might be a good idea to explore some of the meds I have already tried - I have been on everything (some things a few times) and there is nothing new for now. We thought some of the drugs I tried in the past may be worth re-visiting again, you never know how a medicine may work a second or third time around. So, on April 14th I began a medication that I was on about 10 years ago.
The outcome for my seizure activity has been very good and I give all the praise and glory to my Jesus, who holds my heart and my hand on this long journey each day. There are, however, two very difficult side effects that I am struggling with daily. The first being severe and often debilitating nausea. There is just no other way to put it, it has been horrible. I am sick most of the time and just praying my way through my day - God has been very good to remind me that when I am weak, He is strong.
The second of the side effects is a very powerful appetite suppressant. I am just really never hungry and have already lost 10 pounds (not complaining about that) but just feeling sick and not eating for three months takes a toll on a body.
We are believing God for the side effects to completely subside so that I will be able to increase the dosage of the medicine and for a continued increase in seizure free days. I am asking you, my sweet friends and readers to believe and pray with us. I can't even remember the last time I had this many seizure free days and my heart leaps for joy to think it could increase.
I also covet your prayers over my emotions. It is easy for me to become frustrated in times when I never feel well and I am just riding this roller coaster over and over again. But, I stand against frustration and doubt, knowing that nothing comes to me (or any of us) without first being filtered through the Father's Hand. I choose to be content in all of the difficult times and lean harder on the Lord - He is enough.
Thank you for lifting me before the Father. I am standing on Psalm 62:1-2 "Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense, I shall not be greatly be moved." Thank you for standing with me!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
This latest chapter all began back in April when Stephen and I decided that it might be a good idea to explore some of the meds I have already tried - I have been on everything (some things a few times) and there is nothing new for now. We thought some of the drugs I tried in the past may be worth re-visiting again, you never know how a medicine may work a second or third time around. So, on April 14th I began a medication that I was on about 10 years ago.
The outcome for my seizure activity has been very good and I give all the praise and glory to my Jesus, who holds my heart and my hand on this long journey each day. There are, however, two very difficult side effects that I am struggling with daily. The first being severe and often debilitating nausea. There is just no other way to put it, it has been horrible. I am sick most of the time and just praying my way through my day - God has been very good to remind me that when I am weak, He is strong.
The second of the side effects is a very powerful appetite suppressant. I am just really never hungry and have already lost 10 pounds (not complaining about that) but just feeling sick and not eating for three months takes a toll on a body.
We are believing God for the side effects to completely subside so that I will be able to increase the dosage of the medicine and for a continued increase in seizure free days. I am asking you, my sweet friends and readers to believe and pray with us. I can't even remember the last time I had this many seizure free days and my heart leaps for joy to think it could increase.
I also covet your prayers over my emotions. It is easy for me to become frustrated in times when I never feel well and I am just riding this roller coaster over and over again. But, I stand against frustration and doubt, knowing that nothing comes to me (or any of us) without first being filtered through the Father's Hand. I choose to be content in all of the difficult times and lean harder on the Lord - He is enough.
Thank you for lifting me before the Father. I am standing on Psalm 62:1-2 "Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense, I shall not be greatly be moved." Thank you for standing with me!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Everyday Life
I have heard one question quite a bit the last several years, "How do you function everyday?" People are always very curious how someone who has almost daily seizures does "the little things... the routine things."
I thought I would take this opportunity to share a little bit of how my day goes, how I get things done and the way in which I do some of the things of everyday life.
My day starts probably a lot like yours, just wanting five more minutes of precious sleep! Stephen gets up first, which allows me about two or three minutes to pray. I take this time because I know the day will be a challenge and sometimes I think. "O Lord another day! How will I make it through? More seizures, more limitations, more side effects from new seizure meds I am trying - God give me the strength." He always does and He also reminds me that I am not in this alone. I wait for Stephen to help me out of bed, we have a bed that is high and requires steps to get in and out of, something I obviously cannot do alone, due to seizures and safety. I cannot remember the last time I climbed in or out of bed by myself.
Stephen sticks pretty close by me while we do our morning routine - in the blink of an eye I have been known to hit the floor and that would be a tough way to begin the day.
A few years ago I started dressing in the closet, sitting on the floor. This is safer and makes it easier for Stephen in case he cannot stand right there - safety first at our house!
My wheelchair helps me to do the housework I am still able to do and I enjoy it very much. I think out of all the things I miss doing, I miss housework the most. I know most of you women are gritting your teeth but, you never know how much you will miss something until you can't do it any longer.
Two years ago Stephen bought me a catcher's mask, I use it when I go from wheelchair to couch or chair - or wherever I need to go. Not a fashion statement I would have chosen myself but it is better than losing my front teeth... again. I never walk anywhere alone, if I need to get somewhere my wheelchair cannot take me, I crawl. And believe me, my 42 year old knees have got the permanent scars to prove it - you will never catch ME in shorts!
Most of my trips to the little girls' room are accompanied by my wonderful husband who never seems to get tired of hearing, "Stephen, I need to go to the bathroom!" But for the times when he is not here I use my trusty helmet. I must say I really don't like using it at all. It is ugly, heavy and it gives me just the slightest bit of claustrophobia! But I will continue to use it for the sake of my face and my teeth but I think it will forever be a love/hate thing between me and my "friend."
Cooking has been very tough for me for a very long time and through the years it has only gotten worse. I do not use the stove by myself - you can probably guess why but if you need some help, let's just say a seizure patient with her head in the oven is never a pretty sight. I can no longer use the microwave because, number one: ours is up high and I can't reach from my wheelchair and number two: it is never wise for someone with seizures to handle hot things - hence the reasoning behind the oven use or lack thereof! I also never handle anything sharp, so, anything that needs chopping has to be done by the men in the house. So, it is safe to say, we eat out a lot.
About nine months ago we came to the conclusion that I needed to stop using the flat iron on my hair - again just too dangerous. So, just as he has so many times before, my amazing husband stepped up to the plate and now does my hair for me. This was another one of those things that was hard to let go, we women like to do our hair and primp in the mirror. I am just thankful for the servant heart Stephen has and how the Lord has used it to bless and encourage me over the years. And I must say I think he does a better job with my hair than I did!
Through all of these adjustments, transitions and even losses God has remained faithful. He has showed me time and time again that His grace is sufficient and He will carry me through another day. I have learned something so vital through all the trials. That is, if my days were not so trying, I would not be able to see the goodness and all sufficient power of the Living God.
There is a song that I really like by Ayiesha Woods called, "Days" - the chorus does a better job of expressing what I have been saying and goes like this:
"Don't you wish that every day was an easy day? And there was nothing that you couldn't do. But if every day was an easy day, you'd never be able to say that Jesus brought you through."
Thank you Lord for bringing me through all of the days, both easy, and not so easy.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"This is the day the Lord made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
I thought I would take this opportunity to share a little bit of how my day goes, how I get things done and the way in which I do some of the things of everyday life.
My day starts probably a lot like yours, just wanting five more minutes of precious sleep! Stephen gets up first, which allows me about two or three minutes to pray. I take this time because I know the day will be a challenge and sometimes I think. "O Lord another day! How will I make it through? More seizures, more limitations, more side effects from new seizure meds I am trying - God give me the strength." He always does and He also reminds me that I am not in this alone. I wait for Stephen to help me out of bed, we have a bed that is high and requires steps to get in and out of, something I obviously cannot do alone, due to seizures and safety. I cannot remember the last time I climbed in or out of bed by myself.
Stephen sticks pretty close by me while we do our morning routine - in the blink of an eye I have been known to hit the floor and that would be a tough way to begin the day.
A few years ago I started dressing in the closet, sitting on the floor. This is safer and makes it easier for Stephen in case he cannot stand right there - safety first at our house!
My wheelchair helps me to do the housework I am still able to do and I enjoy it very much. I think out of all the things I miss doing, I miss housework the most. I know most of you women are gritting your teeth but, you never know how much you will miss something until you can't do it any longer.
Two years ago Stephen bought me a catcher's mask, I use it when I go from wheelchair to couch or chair - or wherever I need to go. Not a fashion statement I would have chosen myself but it is better than losing my front teeth... again. I never walk anywhere alone, if I need to get somewhere my wheelchair cannot take me, I crawl. And believe me, my 42 year old knees have got the permanent scars to prove it - you will never catch ME in shorts!
Most of my trips to the little girls' room are accompanied by my wonderful husband who never seems to get tired of hearing, "Stephen, I need to go to the bathroom!" But for the times when he is not here I use my trusty helmet. I must say I really don't like using it at all. It is ugly, heavy and it gives me just the slightest bit of claustrophobia! But I will continue to use it for the sake of my face and my teeth but I think it will forever be a love/hate thing between me and my "friend."
Cooking has been very tough for me for a very long time and through the years it has only gotten worse. I do not use the stove by myself - you can probably guess why but if you need some help, let's just say a seizure patient with her head in the oven is never a pretty sight. I can no longer use the microwave because, number one: ours is up high and I can't reach from my wheelchair and number two: it is never wise for someone with seizures to handle hot things - hence the reasoning behind the oven use or lack thereof! I also never handle anything sharp, so, anything that needs chopping has to be done by the men in the house. So, it is safe to say, we eat out a lot.
About nine months ago we came to the conclusion that I needed to stop using the flat iron on my hair - again just too dangerous. So, just as he has so many times before, my amazing husband stepped up to the plate and now does my hair for me. This was another one of those things that was hard to let go, we women like to do our hair and primp in the mirror. I am just thankful for the servant heart Stephen has and how the Lord has used it to bless and encourage me over the years. And I must say I think he does a better job with my hair than I did!
Through all of these adjustments, transitions and even losses God has remained faithful. He has showed me time and time again that His grace is sufficient and He will carry me through another day. I have learned something so vital through all the trials. That is, if my days were not so trying, I would not be able to see the goodness and all sufficient power of the Living God.
There is a song that I really like by Ayiesha Woods called, "Days" - the chorus does a better job of expressing what I have been saying and goes like this:
"Don't you wish that every day was an easy day? And there was nothing that you couldn't do. But if every day was an easy day, you'd never be able to say that Jesus brought you through."
Thank you Lord for bringing me through all of the days, both easy, and not so easy.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"This is the day the Lord made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
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