As of Monday I will be starting a new chapter of my journey with epilepsy. I will start another medicine along with the Tegretol I am currently taking. I have taken this one before - I have been on them all. We are re-visiting all my old meds with hopes that trying them for the second (or third) time may yield good results.
I have to admit I am a little nervous about this one. It is called Felbatol and it has many risks and severe side effects that I remember well from the last time I took it. The pharmacy even has to special order it because they do not carry it - not enough people taking it. There has been a small percent of people who have died from taking Felbatol and although it is rare, it is still a little nerve wracking knowing you are taking a drug that has killed some people.
Some of the other side effects of the drug are: extreme insomnia, appetite loss in a big, big way, vomiting, and blood toxicity. Believe it or not I am leaving out the really bad ones. The last time I was on this (about 10 years ago) I had a horrible time. I have vivid memories of not sleeping for 2 or 3 days at a time and lots of vomiting. Felbatol is a last resort kind of drug and is only given to those who have severe epilepsy. I was willing to try it again for two reasons. One being if I am willing to try others that have negative side effects, I must also be willing to try this. And two,we are desperate for something to work. Right now I have between 80-100 seizures a month - sometimes more. That is just too many and we want to keep trying to see if something will finally work.
So once again, here I am, standing at the crossroads of yet another medicine. On one hand I am very thankful to have something else to try - risks and all. On the other hand I must gear up for what is ahead, very extreme side effects and being hopeful without expectation. That is a lot like walking on a tightrope.
Praise God I am not walking alone. I am safe in the Arms of King Jesus, knowing that He is sovereign and always one step ahead of me. I take such comfort in that fact and I thank God for reminding me of His presence from moment to moment. I am standing on two Scriptures as I face this next chapter:
"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
AND...
"And the angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, The Lord is with you mighty warrior." Judges 6:12
I want to take this time to be very still before my God so that He may teach me and lead me in His way and not my own. I pray with each passing day I will grow more invisible so that He alone may shine. I have also realized over the last year, I am in a war. I don't just mean a war for my health but a war in how I might respond when things aren't the best or how I think they should be. And a war to allow Jesus to be seen in me even on my worst days. So, I am blessed to know that through the power of the Lord I can be a mighty warrior and shine for Him, especially in the dark times.
The big fight begins on Monday and I covet your prayers for me. I have left out quite a few things about this drug as not to dwell on them. I am praying for strength and asking you to do the same. God is so good to me and has given me an incredibly strong support system - I know I will be using them a lot in the coming days.
This is one of my favorite quotes from Hannah Witall Smith,
"No action can touch us except with the Father's knowledge and by His permission... by the time it reaches us it has become His will for us, and must be accepted as directly from His hands."
Such truth. I will focus on that in the coming weeks and months.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Count It All Joy
Last week someone told me that I needed revelation knowledge on God's healing power and that Jesus died so I would not have to suffer - all I need to do is just reach out and take the healing. This is not the first time I have been told things like this, 43 years of disability and physical suffering have brought about many comments like this. I know that there are many well meaning people who believe we have the right to be totally healed and problem free, if you have been following my blog for anytime at all you know that I disagree. I disagree on the basis of God's Word and not my own opinion - that is what I want to share here today.
It saddens me to know that some Christians have twisted God's Word and have fallen victim to the lies of Satan on the issue of hardship and suffering in our lives. Many people spend so much of their lives running from the hurt that can draw them closer to the Lord, instead of embracing it and allowing the power of God to work through them and the painful circumstances in ways only God can. The Word of God is very clear on the subject of trials in our lives.
"In this world, you will have tribulations..." John 16:33
Jesus was crystal clear when He spoke these words so long ago. It is not, if, but when we go through tribulations. We live in a fallen world where sin runs rampant and hard times exist due to the sin that was brought to us in the Garden by Adam and Eve. Because of that sin, we will never be trouble free until we see Jesus face to face in Heaven. Again, it is not if, it is when.
"But after you have suffered a while, the Lord will perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not over flow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
You will also find that some are of the mindset that it is not God's will for anyone to suffer physically - that is just not the case and Scripture again proves that point of view incorrect. We are to seek after God's will and not our own in ALL areas of our life - it is not about what is pleasing to us but rather what brings the Father glory. As Christ-followers, it is our responsibility to follow the Lord and not try and lead - again it is about His will.
"The Truth is, it's not about you. It's not about me. It's all about Him. The Truth may not change your circumstances - at least not here and now- but it will change you."- Nancy Leigh DeMoss
There is often pain, and discomfort in the things God allows but we must remember that there is always purpose and God never wastes anything He does - it is for our good and His glory. The Bible is quick to point out that instead of pushing our suffering away, we are to look for God's plan and allow our responses to the pain reflect Jesus.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4
I am more concerned with my response to my circumstances than I am getting them out of my life. I pray every day that I will react with joy, grace and in the strength of Almighty God. I know that nothing happens in my life- or in yours- that is not first filtered through His hand - I will rely on Him more because I know He knows best. Life is not about getting my own way or doing what I think is best. God has allowed the suffering in my life for a very specific reason - I don't understand it all but, I will not push it away trying to lean on myself or have what I think is best - I am not God, I am His servant and I will trust Him more through the hard times He has allowed. In doing so, I know that the pain can never compare to what He is teaching me every day.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction is but for a moment and is working for us a far more exceeding weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary and the things which are not seen are eternal." 1 Cor. 4:16-18
I don't know about you but I would much rather have my eyes focused on eternal things than the fading, passing things that this world has to offer. I know in my own battle with suffering, the Lord has taught me more about trusting Him, being joyful in hope, being filled with His Spirit - especially in the darkest of times, you can't learn these truths if times are always good. After all, if things were always going our way, why would we need God at all? The truth is we need to be desperate for Him, we need to lean on Him with all we have - knowing we can never do it alone.
"My flesh and heart fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
One final word, it is like pouring salt into an already open and sore wound of someone who is hurting to hear things, like the comments shared with me last week. Even though it may come with the best of intentions, be diligent to choose your words carefully. Be sensitive, compassionate and loving. Your words and my words always matter and once they are spoken, we will never have the opportunity to take them back.
I have said this many times but I will say it again today. I would rather have 100 seizures a day, be confined to my wheelchair for the rest of my life and knowing my God, than healthy, seizure free and on my feet without Him. I would not trade the truths that God has taught me in the fire for anything this world has to offer.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
" Jesus said, My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I would rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9-10
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4
It saddens me to know that some Christians have twisted God's Word and have fallen victim to the lies of Satan on the issue of hardship and suffering in our lives. Many people spend so much of their lives running from the hurt that can draw them closer to the Lord, instead of embracing it and allowing the power of God to work through them and the painful circumstances in ways only God can. The Word of God is very clear on the subject of trials in our lives.
"In this world, you will have tribulations..." John 16:33
Jesus was crystal clear when He spoke these words so long ago. It is not, if, but when we go through tribulations. We live in a fallen world where sin runs rampant and hard times exist due to the sin that was brought to us in the Garden by Adam and Eve. Because of that sin, we will never be trouble free until we see Jesus face to face in Heaven. Again, it is not if, it is when.
"But after you have suffered a while, the Lord will perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not over flow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
You will also find that some are of the mindset that it is not God's will for anyone to suffer physically - that is just not the case and Scripture again proves that point of view incorrect. We are to seek after God's will and not our own in ALL areas of our life - it is not about what is pleasing to us but rather what brings the Father glory. As Christ-followers, it is our responsibility to follow the Lord and not try and lead - again it is about His will.
"The Truth is, it's not about you. It's not about me. It's all about Him. The Truth may not change your circumstances - at least not here and now- but it will change you."- Nancy Leigh DeMoss
There is often pain, and discomfort in the things God allows but we must remember that there is always purpose and God never wastes anything He does - it is for our good and His glory. The Bible is quick to point out that instead of pushing our suffering away, we are to look for God's plan and allow our responses to the pain reflect Jesus.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4
I am more concerned with my response to my circumstances than I am getting them out of my life. I pray every day that I will react with joy, grace and in the strength of Almighty God. I know that nothing happens in my life- or in yours- that is not first filtered through His hand - I will rely on Him more because I know He knows best. Life is not about getting my own way or doing what I think is best. God has allowed the suffering in my life for a very specific reason - I don't understand it all but, I will not push it away trying to lean on myself or have what I think is best - I am not God, I am His servant and I will trust Him more through the hard times He has allowed. In doing so, I know that the pain can never compare to what He is teaching me every day.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction is but for a moment and is working for us a far more exceeding weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary and the things which are not seen are eternal." 1 Cor. 4:16-18
I don't know about you but I would much rather have my eyes focused on eternal things than the fading, passing things that this world has to offer. I know in my own battle with suffering, the Lord has taught me more about trusting Him, being joyful in hope, being filled with His Spirit - especially in the darkest of times, you can't learn these truths if times are always good. After all, if things were always going our way, why would we need God at all? The truth is we need to be desperate for Him, we need to lean on Him with all we have - knowing we can never do it alone.
"My flesh and heart fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
One final word, it is like pouring salt into an already open and sore wound of someone who is hurting to hear things, like the comments shared with me last week. Even though it may come with the best of intentions, be diligent to choose your words carefully. Be sensitive, compassionate and loving. Your words and my words always matter and once they are spoken, we will never have the opportunity to take them back.
I have said this many times but I will say it again today. I would rather have 100 seizures a day, be confined to my wheelchair for the rest of my life and knowing my God, than healthy, seizure free and on my feet without Him. I would not trade the truths that God has taught me in the fire for anything this world has to offer.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
" Jesus said, My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I would rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9-10
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4
Friday, February 11, 2011
Lifter of My Head
"But You, O Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice and He heard me from His holy hill." Psalm 3:3-4
This has been one of my favorite verses for a while now, one I go to on the days that I don't think I am going to make it. I have had well over a week's worth of those days lately. Last Thursday I went to the doctor with what I thought was going to be a pressure sore and as it turned out I have shingles for the second time. A couple of days later I also came down with a very severe UTI (urinary tract infection) - all the while still juggling the endless supply of seizures that come my way. I have been in so much pain that it has been hard for me to sit up for long periods of time. Needless to say, I have not had an easy time over the past week.
So, as I have done for some time now I have gone to my verse in Psalm 3. It is such a comfort to know that God is the lifter of my head. No matter the situation, whether it is sickness, despair, weariness or discouragement; the Mighty God of the Universe will lift up our heads in times when we cannot lift them ourselves. I don't know about you but this gives me great hope. There are so many days that I can't see beyond my own circumstances (I'm sure you have been there too) and how amazing it is to know that the Lord will gently lift my head. When my head is lifted, I can see Him!
That is just where my eyes need and should be all the time - gazing upon my God who loves me so much and is my portion, especially on the days that are dark and dripping with despair. As Joni Eareckson Tada says,"Heartache forces us to embrace God out of desperate, urgent need. God is never closer than when your heart is aching." I absolutely love that and praise God for all of the hurt that has drawn me straight into His Arms.
A am still feeling pretty crummy and have a way to go before I am 100% but in the meantime, as I heal, I will continue to come to the Father again and again so that He can lift my head and remind me of His goodness. And wherever you may be today, I urge you to allow the Lord God to be the lifter of your head as well so that you may see His power, majesty and glory - in this dark world in which we live, there is nothing that compares.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
This has been one of my favorite verses for a while now, one I go to on the days that I don't think I am going to make it. I have had well over a week's worth of those days lately. Last Thursday I went to the doctor with what I thought was going to be a pressure sore and as it turned out I have shingles for the second time. A couple of days later I also came down with a very severe UTI (urinary tract infection) - all the while still juggling the endless supply of seizures that come my way. I have been in so much pain that it has been hard for me to sit up for long periods of time. Needless to say, I have not had an easy time over the past week.
So, as I have done for some time now I have gone to my verse in Psalm 3. It is such a comfort to know that God is the lifter of my head. No matter the situation, whether it is sickness, despair, weariness or discouragement; the Mighty God of the Universe will lift up our heads in times when we cannot lift them ourselves. I don't know about you but this gives me great hope. There are so many days that I can't see beyond my own circumstances (I'm sure you have been there too) and how amazing it is to know that the Lord will gently lift my head. When my head is lifted, I can see Him!
That is just where my eyes need and should be all the time - gazing upon my God who loves me so much and is my portion, especially on the days that are dark and dripping with despair. As Joni Eareckson Tada says,"Heartache forces us to embrace God out of desperate, urgent need. God is never closer than when your heart is aching." I absolutely love that and praise God for all of the hurt that has drawn me straight into His Arms.
A am still feeling pretty crummy and have a way to go before I am 100% but in the meantime, as I heal, I will continue to come to the Father again and again so that He can lift my head and remind me of His goodness. And wherever you may be today, I urge you to allow the Lord God to be the lifter of your head as well so that you may see His power, majesty and glory - in this dark world in which we live, there is nothing that compares.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Covered....
Here in Spring and most of Texas we are gearing up for SNOW over the next couple of days! I have lived here my whole life and can count on one hand how many times it has snowed - it is safe to say we don't get much of the fluffy, white stuff here. We are all very excited and I am anticipating no school for Josh on Friday and maybe even a half day tomorrow - only time will tell with our crazy Texas weather!
I have been thinking about snow today and how it is such a perfect covering. Josh showed me a text picture that he received from his friend, Jared, who now lives in Oklahoma - their front yard was so wonderfully veiled with beautiful white snow. I began to think about how the Lord covers us in so many ways - just a perfect, holy covering from our perfect, holy God.
Our sins are covered when we come to know Him as our Lord and Savior - and every time after that when we come to Him with a repentant heart. Black hearts and lives that have been laced with sin are covered with forgiveness and reconciliation, our lives and hearts are blanketed with love and grace - a flawless covering, just like Jared's front yard.
We are covered with strength when we have nothing left to give - the Lord once again reaches down and wraps us in His mighty strength and reminds us so tenderly that He is all we need in the first place. Grace is stretched out over us from moment to moment when we deserve so much less - God is good to us and gives it anyway, hoping we will remember His love is rich and comes without merit. We can not earn it, we cannot save up for it, we cannot buy it, we can do nothing more than He has already done - that is the power of being covered in grace.
As another mentor and teacher of mine, Beth Moore, says, "Beloved, we are safe with God." Beth is so right, we ARE safe with our God, we can be wrapped up in Him and held closer than our very next breath - there is no place like being carried in the arms of Lord Jesus. So, today if you look outside and see snow coming down, take a few minutes to thank the Lord for all the ways He reminds us that we are covered and safe in Him. Just as the snow blankets our front yards, He will cover us in ways that can only come from the Father.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
I have been thinking about snow today and how it is such a perfect covering. Josh showed me a text picture that he received from his friend, Jared, who now lives in Oklahoma - their front yard was so wonderfully veiled with beautiful white snow. I began to think about how the Lord covers us in so many ways - just a perfect, holy covering from our perfect, holy God.
Our sins are covered when we come to know Him as our Lord and Savior - and every time after that when we come to Him with a repentant heart. Black hearts and lives that have been laced with sin are covered with forgiveness and reconciliation, our lives and hearts are blanketed with love and grace - a flawless covering, just like Jared's front yard.
We are covered with strength when we have nothing left to give - the Lord once again reaches down and wraps us in His mighty strength and reminds us so tenderly that He is all we need in the first place. Grace is stretched out over us from moment to moment when we deserve so much less - God is good to us and gives it anyway, hoping we will remember His love is rich and comes without merit. We can not earn it, we cannot save up for it, we cannot buy it, we can do nothing more than He has already done - that is the power of being covered in grace.
As another mentor and teacher of mine, Beth Moore, says, "Beloved, we are safe with God." Beth is so right, we ARE safe with our God, we can be wrapped up in Him and held closer than our very next breath - there is no place like being carried in the arms of Lord Jesus. So, today if you look outside and see snow coming down, take a few minutes to thank the Lord for all the ways He reminds us that we are covered and safe in Him. Just as the snow blankets our front yards, He will cover us in ways that can only come from the Father.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Monday, January 31, 2011
Catching Up...
I think this may be the longest I have gone without writing in my blog. I must say I miss it when I am away, it is good therapy for me and I love the chance to praise my God through the written word.
The month of January is sort of a blur to me - Josh going back to school, getting our schedules back to normal after the Christmas holidays and continuing the battle with seizures that seems to never end. Last week was a really hard week for me, including a fall - those are always most difficult and hard to recover from. Praise God I did not have to make my usual trek to the ER to get stitches, we were more than excited over that - maybe I should have a "club card" at the ER, you know I could have it stamped each time I go and if I get 10 stamps the next visit is free! Just a thought!
2010 was one of the hardest years I have had in quite some time. I tried 3 new seizure medications that failed due to side effects that were so severe I just could not handle the meds, I had the shingles and a nasty case of bronchitis that took me 2 months to finally get over, found out I am going through early menopause, discovered a few new health conditions I have due to so many years on seizure meds - more on that another time and finally the loss of my Maw-Maw back in July that has stopped me in my tracks with grief. I miss her and not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind.
I am hopeful that this year will be a better year for me and my family. But in being hopeful for a better year, I am also reminded that God ALWAYS has a plan - especially in the hardest of times and the deepest of valleys. Over the past month I have been more focused on, "What does the Lord want to show me through all of this?" I am more concerned with trying to grow closer to my God and conform to His image and likeness than hoping or even praying for easier times in my life.
God never wastes one thing in our lives - our grief, our pain, our sickness or anything else that will take our eyes off ourselves on place them on our Great and Mighty God. Nancy Leigh DeMoss, who has fast become a wonderful teacher and hero in the faith to me, says it best,
"True joy is not the absence of pain but the sanctifying, sustaining presence of the Lord Jesus in the midst of pain. Through the whole process, whether it be a matter of days, weeks, months or years, we have His promise." That promise being 1 Peter 5:10 "The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
Strong, firm and steadfast - I want that more than anything in my life - even more than healing. Thank you Lord Jesus for always being enough, even in the toughest of times, You are all I need. Help me to see that more each day and may 2011 be the year that my life honors You like no other.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
The month of January is sort of a blur to me - Josh going back to school, getting our schedules back to normal after the Christmas holidays and continuing the battle with seizures that seems to never end. Last week was a really hard week for me, including a fall - those are always most difficult and hard to recover from. Praise God I did not have to make my usual trek to the ER to get stitches, we were more than excited over that - maybe I should have a "club card" at the ER, you know I could have it stamped each time I go and if I get 10 stamps the next visit is free! Just a thought!
2010 was one of the hardest years I have had in quite some time. I tried 3 new seizure medications that failed due to side effects that were so severe I just could not handle the meds, I had the shingles and a nasty case of bronchitis that took me 2 months to finally get over, found out I am going through early menopause, discovered a few new health conditions I have due to so many years on seizure meds - more on that another time and finally the loss of my Maw-Maw back in July that has stopped me in my tracks with grief. I miss her and not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind.
I am hopeful that this year will be a better year for me and my family. But in being hopeful for a better year, I am also reminded that God ALWAYS has a plan - especially in the hardest of times and the deepest of valleys. Over the past month I have been more focused on, "What does the Lord want to show me through all of this?" I am more concerned with trying to grow closer to my God and conform to His image and likeness than hoping or even praying for easier times in my life.
God never wastes one thing in our lives - our grief, our pain, our sickness or anything else that will take our eyes off ourselves on place them on our Great and Mighty God. Nancy Leigh DeMoss, who has fast become a wonderful teacher and hero in the faith to me, says it best,
"True joy is not the absence of pain but the sanctifying, sustaining presence of the Lord Jesus in the midst of pain. Through the whole process, whether it be a matter of days, weeks, months or years, we have His promise." That promise being 1 Peter 5:10 "The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
Strong, firm and steadfast - I want that more than anything in my life - even more than healing. Thank you Lord Jesus for always being enough, even in the toughest of times, You are all I need. Help me to see that more each day and may 2011 be the year that my life honors You like no other.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
It is Never Unreasonable...
Although these are not my words, I feel it could not be said any better. This is from yesterday's update on the "Joni and Friends" website. I have said many times how I love Joni Eareckson Tada. She does not know who I am or anything about me but she has been my teacher and mentor about biblical suffering for many years now. Her words here are the prayer and heart cry of my life!
"Last Friday I was giving someone a quick tour of my art studio, when I caught him admiring a small green candy dish on the shelf. Colored with poster paint and glazed, it was the obvious work of a child. Well, a 17-year-old child. I explained that it was the first thing I'd ever painted holding brushes between my teeth; it was 1967, the week before Christmas in occupational therapy, and I was glad I could at least smear paint on a ceramic candy dish as a present for my parents.
That first Christmas in the hospital was hard. The way I saw it, God was asking way too much of me. Not only was the use of my body taken away at Christmas time, but also the joy of giving 'normal' gifts. Nothing was right; everything was wrong. By the next Christmas, however, my heart softened. Maybe I am concentrating too much on what God is asking of me and not enough on what he’s given me. Was accepting a broken body unreasonable? Of course not. He gave more than everything. As Romans 8 says, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Things like peace that's profound. A settled soul. Rock-solid contentment. It happened then, and it has happened again. Especially now, this Christmas, what with so many recent hospital visits still fresh in my memory and Ken's."
Last Sunday our pastor said, "When the angels appeared over Bethlehem, theirs wasn't a lullaby, it was a battle cry." He's right. The birth of Christ may have ended the enmity between God and man with the announcement, "Peace on earth and goodwill toward men," but our adversary, the devil, only sneered at the peace-offering in the manger that night. It only heightened his war against God and His people -- Herod's slaughter of innocent babies in Bethlehem only proved it. And 2000 years later, the war is still raging. So friend, join me on the front lines. Nothing God ever asks of you is 'unreasonable.' It's why I pray that this Christmas week, no matter what your affliction, you'll find peace, once again, in celebrating all that the Father has graciously given us in His Son, our Savior. What a glorious and generous gift!
What a generous gift indeed! Merry Christmas to all!!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"Last Friday I was giving someone a quick tour of my art studio, when I caught him admiring a small green candy dish on the shelf. Colored with poster paint and glazed, it was the obvious work of a child. Well, a 17-year-old child. I explained that it was the first thing I'd ever painted holding brushes between my teeth; it was 1967, the week before Christmas in occupational therapy, and I was glad I could at least smear paint on a ceramic candy dish as a present for my parents.
That first Christmas in the hospital was hard. The way I saw it, God was asking way too much of me. Not only was the use of my body taken away at Christmas time, but also the joy of giving 'normal' gifts. Nothing was right; everything was wrong. By the next Christmas, however, my heart softened. Maybe I am concentrating too much on what God is asking of me and not enough on what he’s given me. Was accepting a broken body unreasonable? Of course not. He gave more than everything. As Romans 8 says, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Things like peace that's profound. A settled soul. Rock-solid contentment. It happened then, and it has happened again. Especially now, this Christmas, what with so many recent hospital visits still fresh in my memory and Ken's."
Last Sunday our pastor said, "When the angels appeared over Bethlehem, theirs wasn't a lullaby, it was a battle cry." He's right. The birth of Christ may have ended the enmity between God and man with the announcement, "Peace on earth and goodwill toward men," but our adversary, the devil, only sneered at the peace-offering in the manger that night. It only heightened his war against God and His people -- Herod's slaughter of innocent babies in Bethlehem only proved it. And 2000 years later, the war is still raging. So friend, join me on the front lines. Nothing God ever asks of you is 'unreasonable.' It's why I pray that this Christmas week, no matter what your affliction, you'll find peace, once again, in celebrating all that the Father has graciously given us in His Son, our Savior. What a glorious and generous gift!
What a generous gift indeed! Merry Christmas to all!!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Come, Let Us Adore HIM!
Christmas is here once again! If you are anything like me, this is the best time of year - I love Christmas and I always have. Such a wonderful time in the life of a Christian, time to reflect on what Jesus' birth means to all of us. It is so much more than the celebration of His birth, it is a time to rejoice in what He came to Earth to do in the first place. He came to die a horrible death for all of us, to save us from our sins. Even in the manger so long ago God knew this was the plan.
I am overjoyed that Jesus chose to die for me (and you!) so long ago - after all, who am I that the God of the Universe should give me a second thought. But He did! He loves us all more than we could ever possibly conceive. I pray that in the coming year, you will grow closer to Him than ever before, (by the way, I am praying that for myself as well) I pray you will be strengthened and stretched in your faith as never before. I also pray that God will use you to honor Him however He thinks is best.
So, this Christmas may you all feel the love, joy and peace that only comes from knowing the Lord. As you bake, shop, mail Christmas cards, exchange gifts and spend time with your precious families; don't forget the most precious gift of all is the Lord Jesus - take time to exalt, praise and worship Him. After all, as my good friend, Linus Van Pelt says, "That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
Merry Christmas and God Bless all of you in the New Year!
Rejoicing in Christmas Hope,
Roxanne
"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; you will find the baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests." Luke 2:11-14
I am overjoyed that Jesus chose to die for me (and you!) so long ago - after all, who am I that the God of the Universe should give me a second thought. But He did! He loves us all more than we could ever possibly conceive. I pray that in the coming year, you will grow closer to Him than ever before, (by the way, I am praying that for myself as well) I pray you will be strengthened and stretched in your faith as never before. I also pray that God will use you to honor Him however He thinks is best.
So, this Christmas may you all feel the love, joy and peace that only comes from knowing the Lord. As you bake, shop, mail Christmas cards, exchange gifts and spend time with your precious families; don't forget the most precious gift of all is the Lord Jesus - take time to exalt, praise and worship Him. After all, as my good friend, Linus Van Pelt says, "That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
Merry Christmas and God Bless all of you in the New Year!
Rejoicing in Christmas Hope,
Roxanne
"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; you will find the baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests." Luke 2:11-14
Monday, December 13, 2010
A Hard Spot and a Very Big God
Over the past few weeks I have found myself in a tough spot. Longing, even craving for the freedoms I no longer have due to my physical disabilities. Each time I stand or walk for a brief time, I find myself loving it so much and wanting it to last forever. To be quite honest, I have lost something that I hold very dear - the ability to be content in my circumstances.
For many years now I have been praying very diligently for one thing: to be content and filled with joy no matter what comes my way or how difficult my days might be. I can't tell you how important this is to me - living day to day in the joy and absolute contentment of the God that holds me so tenderly. I can rationalize this all I want, it's been an extremely hard year for me, my circumstances are hard - why not feel bad about it once and a while and a list of a thousand other things. But the truth is I have lost sight (temporarily) of what matters most and what the Lord has called me to.
Several years ago I became keenly aware of the fact that I have been called to a ministry of suffering. Before you think I have lost my mind, let me be very clear. I know very well that our Great and Mighty God is able and still heals today and if He chooses that for me I will rejoice, but, for now this is where I am and I want my life to honor Him no matter what.
With all that said, I have taken my eyes off of that great calling in the last couple of weeks. I have forgotten that walking is not the most important thing, that Jesus is all I need and that I should rejoice in hope at all times. Life is just sometimes very hard and I become overwhelmed with all the difficulties every now and then - I am thankful that God knows this and loves me in spite of my sin and shortcomings.
So, today I am writing not only to confess where I have failed but to say that God has renewed me and brought me back to the place I need and long to be.
I am blessed to know (once again) that God is so very faithful and He is indeed all I need. My circumstances are hard and sometimes they overwhelm me to the point that I can't breathe. But through it all - God is bigger and His grace is most sufficient. I am overjoyed to again remember that Almighty God is leading me down this path for His glory and my good - that alone makes it all worth it.
Thank You Lord Jesus for again reminding me of what it's all about and drawing me closer to You. As my wonderful mentor and hero in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada says, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." He hates the sorrow and hardship that his children face but he loves when those very things bring us closer to Him so that we may be more like Him. Praying I will not soon forget this.
Rejoicing in Great Hope,
Roxanne
"My hope comes from God, He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress. I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6
For many years now I have been praying very diligently for one thing: to be content and filled with joy no matter what comes my way or how difficult my days might be. I can't tell you how important this is to me - living day to day in the joy and absolute contentment of the God that holds me so tenderly. I can rationalize this all I want, it's been an extremely hard year for me, my circumstances are hard - why not feel bad about it once and a while and a list of a thousand other things. But the truth is I have lost sight (temporarily) of what matters most and what the Lord has called me to.
Several years ago I became keenly aware of the fact that I have been called to a ministry of suffering. Before you think I have lost my mind, let me be very clear. I know very well that our Great and Mighty God is able and still heals today and if He chooses that for me I will rejoice, but, for now this is where I am and I want my life to honor Him no matter what.
With all that said, I have taken my eyes off of that great calling in the last couple of weeks. I have forgotten that walking is not the most important thing, that Jesus is all I need and that I should rejoice in hope at all times. Life is just sometimes very hard and I become overwhelmed with all the difficulties every now and then - I am thankful that God knows this and loves me in spite of my sin and shortcomings.
So, today I am writing not only to confess where I have failed but to say that God has renewed me and brought me back to the place I need and long to be.
I am blessed to know (once again) that God is so very faithful and He is indeed all I need. My circumstances are hard and sometimes they overwhelm me to the point that I can't breathe. But through it all - God is bigger and His grace is most sufficient. I am overjoyed to again remember that Almighty God is leading me down this path for His glory and my good - that alone makes it all worth it.
Thank You Lord Jesus for again reminding me of what it's all about and drawing me closer to You. As my wonderful mentor and hero in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada says, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." He hates the sorrow and hardship that his children face but he loves when those very things bring us closer to Him so that we may be more like Him. Praying I will not soon forget this.
Rejoicing in Great Hope,
Roxanne
"My hope comes from God, He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress. I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Shingles, Seizures and Other Stuff...
It has been a lifetime since I have posted - at least that is how it feels. I have had several things going on that have slowed me down in the past six weeks.
In early October I came down with the shingles. If you have never had it, pray you never get it. It was most painful and lasted 14 days for me. I am very happy to report that I am fully recovered - Praise the Lord!
I have also continued to have staggering numbers where seizures are concerned. My last seizure free day was October 30th. I continue to look to my Jesus to sustain me and as as always, He does that and more.
November is Epilepsy Awareness Month and I am asking everyone to pray for all those who suffer from seizures and for a cure. Epilepsy continues to be very neglected in research and funding but I am hopeful that will change. God is bigger than all sickness and disease and He is able!
The other big issue going on with me is I just found out my hormones are way out of balance and I have started early menopause. I have been dealing with many symptoms for a few years now but 2 weeks ago I had some blood work done, we were a little surprised at just how "out of whack" my hormones are. The words my doctor used are "severely deficient" and "numbers dipping way down into menopause levels." All we can say is no wonder I have been feeling so rotten! I have started hormone replacement therapy and I am praying this new regiment of meds will help in many ways!
We have had some wonderful blessings occur in the past 6 weeks as well. Stephen and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on October 28. I am so honored to have shared half my life with this amazing man. Thank you Lord for allowing Stephen to pick me so many years ago.
Josh began 7th grade at our wonderful Providence Classical School - he is officially in Upper School and doing great. It is almost unbelievable to see how much he is growing and changing - 13 years have just flown by. He also attended his first Jr. Cotillion and is having a great time doing it with all his buddies.
As we approach the Thanksgiving holidays, I find myself being so humbled and honored to be on this journey in which God has called me. I am so very thankful to share in the sufferings of my Lord, "that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, conformed to His death." Phil. 3:10. I am thankful that Christ has allowed me to know Him better, depend on Him with all I have and be conformed to His likeness through the avenue of suffering. It is not easy and sometimes it is so overwhelming that it almost takes my breath, but the grace that covers and sustains me leaves me speechless - except to stammer out once again, "thank you Jesus."
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thes. 5:18
In early October I came down with the shingles. If you have never had it, pray you never get it. It was most painful and lasted 14 days for me. I am very happy to report that I am fully recovered - Praise the Lord!
I have also continued to have staggering numbers where seizures are concerned. My last seizure free day was October 30th. I continue to look to my Jesus to sustain me and as as always, He does that and more.
November is Epilepsy Awareness Month and I am asking everyone to pray for all those who suffer from seizures and for a cure. Epilepsy continues to be very neglected in research and funding but I am hopeful that will change. God is bigger than all sickness and disease and He is able!
The other big issue going on with me is I just found out my hormones are way out of balance and I have started early menopause. I have been dealing with many symptoms for a few years now but 2 weeks ago I had some blood work done, we were a little surprised at just how "out of whack" my hormones are. The words my doctor used are "severely deficient" and "numbers dipping way down into menopause levels." All we can say is no wonder I have been feeling so rotten! I have started hormone replacement therapy and I am praying this new regiment of meds will help in many ways!
We have had some wonderful blessings occur in the past 6 weeks as well. Stephen and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on October 28. I am so honored to have shared half my life with this amazing man. Thank you Lord for allowing Stephen to pick me so many years ago.
Josh began 7th grade at our wonderful Providence Classical School - he is officially in Upper School and doing great. It is almost unbelievable to see how much he is growing and changing - 13 years have just flown by. He also attended his first Jr. Cotillion and is having a great time doing it with all his buddies.
As we approach the Thanksgiving holidays, I find myself being so humbled and honored to be on this journey in which God has called me. I am so very thankful to share in the sufferings of my Lord, "that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, conformed to His death." Phil. 3:10. I am thankful that Christ has allowed me to know Him better, depend on Him with all I have and be conformed to His likeness through the avenue of suffering. It is not easy and sometimes it is so overwhelming that it almost takes my breath, but the grace that covers and sustains me leaves me speechless - except to stammer out once again, "thank you Jesus."
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thes. 5:18
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Just Another Sunday....
A few Sunday's ago Josh came down to meet us in "big church" as he does every week. My mom radar was in high gear that day and I noticed he just wasn't himself - he just looked odd to me. I asked him if anything was wrong, he said, "not really" but I knew something was up. I asked him again and he told me, "I got some drastic news today" - this is teenage speak for something big and not so good that just happened. He was having such a hard time getting out the words when it hit me what the "something drastic" was. So, I came out and asked him, "Is Jared moving?" He looked stunned, "How in the world did you know that?" "I'm your mom, its my job to know."
Jared is one of Josh's very best friends, they have known each other since the first grade - we love Jared, he is in and out of our house all the time. Nothing is better than when your children have true, wonderful friends.
Josh was and still is, heartbroken. As I looked at him sitting next to me in church, he seemed so little. My thirteen year old son who is now shaving and taller than me looked about 2 years old again. I could picture him sitting there, thumb in mouth and blue blankie in hand for security. At this moment - like any good mother who loves her child more than life, I lost it.
I really don't think there is anything worse than seeing your children hurt. And in that moment, I was just overcome with sorrow for my sweet Josh. I wish I could say I only cried a little and was really lady-like about it but that is just not the case. Every emotion and all the pain I have been dealing with for the past 6 or so months came crashing down around me. Every seizure, the struggle with the medication that has made me so very sick since mid April, the grief I have felt every day since Maw-Maw went to be with the Lord in July and now this - like a flood it all just washed over me.
After a few minutes, I tried to compose myself. I cried out to the Lord and asked Him how much more can we take? God, in His mercy, love and wisdom was quick to remind me He was there holding me once again. I was then reminded of one of my favorite Scriptures, one that the Lord gave to me so long ago on another hard day - the day I surrendered to my wheelchair full time.
"And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8
God in His sovereignty helped me see once again, that nothing that could ever happen could take Him by surprise. He will always go before me and be the Light for my path - and He will do the same for Josh as he misses his friend.
So today, I want to encourage all of you who may feel like you just can't take another hard blow - God is in it with you, He is walking before you and will never leave you. Be strong in Him and allow your faith to grow and your hope to stretch. If we can't see the Lord in the hard times, we won't see Him when times are good either. Either way He alone is God!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Jared is one of Josh's very best friends, they have known each other since the first grade - we love Jared, he is in and out of our house all the time. Nothing is better than when your children have true, wonderful friends.
Josh was and still is, heartbroken. As I looked at him sitting next to me in church, he seemed so little. My thirteen year old son who is now shaving and taller than me looked about 2 years old again. I could picture him sitting there, thumb in mouth and blue blankie in hand for security. At this moment - like any good mother who loves her child more than life, I lost it.
I really don't think there is anything worse than seeing your children hurt. And in that moment, I was just overcome with sorrow for my sweet Josh. I wish I could say I only cried a little and was really lady-like about it but that is just not the case. Every emotion and all the pain I have been dealing with for the past 6 or so months came crashing down around me. Every seizure, the struggle with the medication that has made me so very sick since mid April, the grief I have felt every day since Maw-Maw went to be with the Lord in July and now this - like a flood it all just washed over me.
After a few minutes, I tried to compose myself. I cried out to the Lord and asked Him how much more can we take? God, in His mercy, love and wisdom was quick to remind me He was there holding me once again. I was then reminded of one of my favorite Scriptures, one that the Lord gave to me so long ago on another hard day - the day I surrendered to my wheelchair full time.
"And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8
God in His sovereignty helped me see once again, that nothing that could ever happen could take Him by surprise. He will always go before me and be the Light for my path - and He will do the same for Josh as he misses his friend.
So today, I want to encourage all of you who may feel like you just can't take another hard blow - God is in it with you, He is walking before you and will never leave you. Be strong in Him and allow your faith to grow and your hope to stretch. If we can't see the Lord in the hard times, we won't see Him when times are good either. Either way He alone is God!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Medicine Dance
For the past 25 years I have had numerous dance partners, mind you they have all been the different types of seizure medications that I have tried and tried again in hopes of finding one to control the many seizures that plague me almost daily. When one doesn't work we move on down the line to the next one - just like
the "Stag" line in the dances they have on the Andy Griffith Show.
Trying medication is hard, one of the hardest things I have to do and the novelty wore off a long time ago for me. There are so many wonderful friends that I have that get so excited for me each time I try a new med (or re-try as the case may be) and I love them for their enthusiasm but it is truly something after all these years that I have come to dislike greatly.
Each time I try something new, I have a litany of things going through my mind:
What are the side effects? I am sensitive to EVERY medication that has ever been made, what will the reaction be? Nausea, Toxicity, rash, something else... Will I be able to get past the side effects to even see if there is a chance this will work?...
"Don't get your hopes up... It is only medication, I know my true hope is in the Lord. We have been down this road before..."
"It is working, I have had a few seizure free weeks... could this be it?"
"It is not working at all... one more time, one more medicine? Will anything ever help?"
It is really hard not to get my hopes up when I try something new (or again) but I am training myself to just give it to the Lord and stay content where I am - no matter where that may be. God has been teaching me to be content in my physical circumstances - I am a slow learner but I am growing.
I have been doing the "medicine dance" for about 8 months now with 2 different meds and it is safe to say they have not been good dance partners at all. This has been such a hard year but I am clinging to the Lord and trusting Him to provide me with wisdom and cover me with grace - He always does His part.
For the past five months I have given more than a fair chance to the Zonegran I am trying for the second time. Nausea and toxicity have been close friends (or should I say enemies) of mine!I have tried to increase this med three times over the five months with no success and frustration and heartbreak don't begin to cover it at this point - my emotions are raw and I am worn and weary from feeling so crummy all the time.
Stephen and I have decided to give this medication one last try, so, on Sept. 20th I will try to increase once again. If I react negativity I will stop it for good and find another med for me to try - another dance partner, maybe this one will be the one to make it all the way around the floor! I am hopeful.
I covet your prayers for me at this time, please know it means everything to me to know you are praying. I know that the Lord sees the BIG picture here including what I am unable to see. I give it all to Him - even the hurt, disappointment and bad days. He is God and I know He is in control. I will continue to praise Him and give Him glory in all things for He is my hope!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5
the "Stag" line in the dances they have on the Andy Griffith Show.
Trying medication is hard, one of the hardest things I have to do and the novelty wore off a long time ago for me. There are so many wonderful friends that I have that get so excited for me each time I try a new med (or re-try as the case may be) and I love them for their enthusiasm but it is truly something after all these years that I have come to dislike greatly.
Each time I try something new, I have a litany of things going through my mind:
What are the side effects? I am sensitive to EVERY medication that has ever been made, what will the reaction be? Nausea, Toxicity, rash, something else... Will I be able to get past the side effects to even see if there is a chance this will work?...
"Don't get your hopes up... It is only medication, I know my true hope is in the Lord. We have been down this road before..."
"It is working, I have had a few seizure free weeks... could this be it?"
"It is not working at all... one more time, one more medicine? Will anything ever help?"
It is really hard not to get my hopes up when I try something new (or again) but I am training myself to just give it to the Lord and stay content where I am - no matter where that may be. God has been teaching me to be content in my physical circumstances - I am a slow learner but I am growing.
I have been doing the "medicine dance" for about 8 months now with 2 different meds and it is safe to say they have not been good dance partners at all. This has been such a hard year but I am clinging to the Lord and trusting Him to provide me with wisdom and cover me with grace - He always does His part.
For the past five months I have given more than a fair chance to the Zonegran I am trying for the second time. Nausea and toxicity have been close friends (or should I say enemies) of mine!I have tried to increase this med three times over the five months with no success and frustration and heartbreak don't begin to cover it at this point - my emotions are raw and I am worn and weary from feeling so crummy all the time.
Stephen and I have decided to give this medication one last try, so, on Sept. 20th I will try to increase once again. If I react negativity I will stop it for good and find another med for me to try - another dance partner, maybe this one will be the one to make it all the way around the floor! I am hopeful.
I covet your prayers for me at this time, please know it means everything to me to know you are praying. I know that the Lord sees the BIG picture here including what I am unable to see. I give it all to Him - even the hurt, disappointment and bad days. He is God and I know He is in control. I will continue to praise Him and give Him glory in all things for He is my hope!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Being Held...
This is the longest I have gone without writing and I have missed it. The past month has been a tough one for me, I am still adjusting to life without my Maw - Maw and I must say some days have just almost overwhelmed me with how much I miss her. I am still mourning a lot and I know that will take some time. The Lord has been so good to me and I have truly felt His presence in an awesome and powerful way. It is so amazing that when you are feeling so empty, He is there to fill you once again.
I have also had several tough weeks physically. A few weeks with seizures and this week I increased my new seizure medication in hopes of seeing some seizure free days only to have a toxic reaction, I have had several days of being very dizzy and light-headed. This medicine has been frustrating, to say the least, it seems like we take one step forward only to get knocked back two.
Again, I find great comfort that my God is a defender of the weak and He gives power to those who need strength. I am being held by that wonderful and awesome truth right now. God is so good and I am always in awe of how He loves me - and you!
I often get asked how I can smile and look so happy when I am dealing with so much. For the record, here is my answer: I am a quivering mass of jelly every day, I cry, I hurt and some days even get mad but, in the end I am carried in the mighty Arms of my Savior - knowing He carries me and gives me security like nothing I can describe. I am safe in His Arms and I know that everything that happens in my life, good or not so good, is first filtered through His mighty Hands. So, it is all God's grace behind the smile - thank you Lord!
Rejoicing and "Being Held" In Hope,
Roxanne
I have also had several tough weeks physically. A few weeks with seizures and this week I increased my new seizure medication in hopes of seeing some seizure free days only to have a toxic reaction, I have had several days of being very dizzy and light-headed. This medicine has been frustrating, to say the least, it seems like we take one step forward only to get knocked back two.
Again, I find great comfort that my God is a defender of the weak and He gives power to those who need strength. I am being held by that wonderful and awesome truth right now. God is so good and I am always in awe of how He loves me - and you!
I often get asked how I can smile and look so happy when I am dealing with so much. For the record, here is my answer: I am a quivering mass of jelly every day, I cry, I hurt and some days even get mad but, in the end I am carried in the mighty Arms of my Savior - knowing He carries me and gives me security like nothing I can describe. I am safe in His Arms and I know that everything that happens in my life, good or not so good, is first filtered through His mighty Hands. So, it is all God's grace behind the smile - thank you Lord!
Rejoicing and "Being Held" In Hope,
Roxanne
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