For the past 25 years I have had numerous dance partners, mind you they have all been the different types of seizure medications that I have tried and tried again in hopes of finding one to control the many seizures that plague me almost daily. When one doesn't work we move on down the line to the next one - just like
the "Stag" line in the dances they have on the Andy Griffith Show.
Trying medication is hard, one of the hardest things I have to do and the novelty wore off a long time ago for me. There are so many wonderful friends that I have that get so excited for me each time I try a new med (or re-try as the case may be) and I love them for their enthusiasm but it is truly something after all these years that I have come to dislike greatly.
Each time I try something new, I have a litany of things going through my mind:
What are the side effects? I am sensitive to EVERY medication that has ever been made, what will the reaction be? Nausea, Toxicity, rash, something else... Will I be able to get past the side effects to even see if there is a chance this will work?...
"Don't get your hopes up... It is only medication, I know my true hope is in the Lord. We have been down this road before..."
"It is working, I have had a few seizure free weeks... could this be it?"
"It is not working at all... one more time, one more medicine? Will anything ever help?"
It is really hard not to get my hopes up when I try something new (or again) but I am training myself to just give it to the Lord and stay content where I am - no matter where that may be. God has been teaching me to be content in my physical circumstances - I am a slow learner but I am growing.
I have been doing the "medicine dance" for about 8 months now with 2 different meds and it is safe to say they have not been good dance partners at all. This has been such a hard year but I am clinging to the Lord and trusting Him to provide me with wisdom and cover me with grace - He always does His part.
For the past five months I have given more than a fair chance to the Zonegran I am trying for the second time. Nausea and toxicity have been close friends (or should I say enemies) of mine!I have tried to increase this med three times over the five months with no success and frustration and heartbreak don't begin to cover it at this point - my emotions are raw and I am worn and weary from feeling so crummy all the time.
Stephen and I have decided to give this medication one last try, so, on Sept. 20th I will try to increase once again. If I react negativity I will stop it for good and find another med for me to try - another dance partner, maybe this one will be the one to make it all the way around the floor! I am hopeful.
I covet your prayers for me at this time, please know it means everything to me to know you are praying. I know that the Lord sees the BIG picture here including what I am unable to see. I give it all to Him - even the hurt, disappointment and bad days. He is God and I know He is in control. I will continue to praise Him and give Him glory in all things for He is my hope!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Being Held...
This is the longest I have gone without writing and I have missed it. The past month has been a tough one for me, I am still adjusting to life without my Maw - Maw and I must say some days have just almost overwhelmed me with how much I miss her. I am still mourning a lot and I know that will take some time. The Lord has been so good to me and I have truly felt His presence in an awesome and powerful way. It is so amazing that when you are feeling so empty, He is there to fill you once again.
I have also had several tough weeks physically. A few weeks with seizures and this week I increased my new seizure medication in hopes of seeing some seizure free days only to have a toxic reaction, I have had several days of being very dizzy and light-headed. This medicine has been frustrating, to say the least, it seems like we take one step forward only to get knocked back two.
Again, I find great comfort that my God is a defender of the weak and He gives power to those who need strength. I am being held by that wonderful and awesome truth right now. God is so good and I am always in awe of how He loves me - and you!
I often get asked how I can smile and look so happy when I am dealing with so much. For the record, here is my answer: I am a quivering mass of jelly every day, I cry, I hurt and some days even get mad but, in the end I am carried in the mighty Arms of my Savior - knowing He carries me and gives me security like nothing I can describe. I am safe in His Arms and I know that everything that happens in my life, good or not so good, is first filtered through His mighty Hands. So, it is all God's grace behind the smile - thank you Lord!
Rejoicing and "Being Held" In Hope,
Roxanne
I have also had several tough weeks physically. A few weeks with seizures and this week I increased my new seizure medication in hopes of seeing some seizure free days only to have a toxic reaction, I have had several days of being very dizzy and light-headed. This medicine has been frustrating, to say the least, it seems like we take one step forward only to get knocked back two.
Again, I find great comfort that my God is a defender of the weak and He gives power to those who need strength. I am being held by that wonderful and awesome truth right now. God is so good and I am always in awe of how He loves me - and you!
I often get asked how I can smile and look so happy when I am dealing with so much. For the record, here is my answer: I am a quivering mass of jelly every day, I cry, I hurt and some days even get mad but, in the end I am carried in the mighty Arms of my Savior - knowing He carries me and gives me security like nothing I can describe. I am safe in His Arms and I know that everything that happens in my life, good or not so good, is first filtered through His mighty Hands. So, it is all God's grace behind the smile - thank you Lord!
Rejoicing and "Being Held" In Hope,
Roxanne
Friday, July 30, 2010
Maw-Maw
Yesterday I did something I have been dreading for some time now. I went to my sweet Maw-Maw's funeral and it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
She has been going downhill for over a year now but the last few months have been the worst and over the last couple of weeks we knew she did not have long.
Early Saturday morning Stephen, Josh and I got in the car and drove to Austin where she had been living with my Aunt. I had prepared myself as much as I could, but no one can really be prepared for things like this. She had been moved to a Hospice facility the day before we got there and they had already said she wouldn't make it through the weekend. My heart shattered when I walked in and saw my grandma, who had always been so strong and cooked three meals a day for as long as I can remember, look so weak and like no one I knew at all. With her family surrounding her,she went to be with the Lord at 4:20 Saturday afternoon. We rejoice in the fact that she is not suffering anymore and that she is standing in the presence of Holy God - and as my family has been saying all week, "if there is a kitchen in Heaven, she is already cooking and baking as much as she can."
But I have to admit I am feeling so many other things and this has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember in my life. Memories are flooding my mind and I am so thankful for the rich, Italian history full of tradition in which I was raised. I am blessed to have spent countless summers, and times with Maw-Maw. I will always remember Hershey bars in the refrigerator - she taught me this was the best way to eat them, pancakes on Friday mornings, pasta on Sunday's, trips to Austin with no less than three desserts that she made and every Christmas Eve at her house - that is a memory that will live in my heart forever.
The memories are so sweet but last night after four days of crying and not being able to really control that emotion, I realized I am feeling something else. I am grieving. Maw-maw has died and I feel like part of me has died as well. I have lost other people in my life - even other grandparents. I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard, except that she was my last grandparent and been with me the longest. I feel as though my childhood door has just slammed shut, never to be opened again. Now I know this is a little ridiculous coming from a 42 year old woman but I guess as long as Maw-Maw was living I still had a hold on that childhood.
One thing I have come to realize over the past few days is there is no formula for grief. There is no right or wrong, no appropriate duration. It is what it is... grief. So, I will continue to cry and be heartbroken, and remember Maw-Maw and I will also continue to know that as a Christian, I have hope, even in the midst of deep sorrow.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
She has been going downhill for over a year now but the last few months have been the worst and over the last couple of weeks we knew she did not have long.
Early Saturday morning Stephen, Josh and I got in the car and drove to Austin where she had been living with my Aunt. I had prepared myself as much as I could, but no one can really be prepared for things like this. She had been moved to a Hospice facility the day before we got there and they had already said she wouldn't make it through the weekend. My heart shattered when I walked in and saw my grandma, who had always been so strong and cooked three meals a day for as long as I can remember, look so weak and like no one I knew at all. With her family surrounding her,she went to be with the Lord at 4:20 Saturday afternoon. We rejoice in the fact that she is not suffering anymore and that she is standing in the presence of Holy God - and as my family has been saying all week, "if there is a kitchen in Heaven, she is already cooking and baking as much as she can."
But I have to admit I am feeling so many other things and this has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember in my life. Memories are flooding my mind and I am so thankful for the rich, Italian history full of tradition in which I was raised. I am blessed to have spent countless summers, and times with Maw-Maw. I will always remember Hershey bars in the refrigerator - she taught me this was the best way to eat them, pancakes on Friday mornings, pasta on Sunday's, trips to Austin with no less than three desserts that she made and every Christmas Eve at her house - that is a memory that will live in my heart forever.
The memories are so sweet but last night after four days of crying and not being able to really control that emotion, I realized I am feeling something else. I am grieving. Maw-maw has died and I feel like part of me has died as well. I have lost other people in my life - even other grandparents. I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard, except that she was my last grandparent and been with me the longest. I feel as though my childhood door has just slammed shut, never to be opened again. Now I know this is a little ridiculous coming from a 42 year old woman but I guess as long as Maw-Maw was living I still had a hold on that childhood.
One thing I have come to realize over the past few days is there is no formula for grief. There is no right or wrong, no appropriate duration. It is what it is... grief. So, I will continue to cry and be heartbroken, and remember Maw-Maw and I will also continue to know that as a Christian, I have hope, even in the midst of deep sorrow.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
25 Years of Grace...
Twenty five years ago today I had my very first seizure. I used to dread July 21st because it meant one more year of a life that I thought I would never have. And there is still some truth to that - I would have never imagined that my life would be as it is today. Seizures almost every day,being on every seizure medicine there is and not getting help from any of them,loss of my independence and mobility, using a wheelchair by the age of 39 - my head just spins thinking about it.
Yes, while all of these things are true and still hard to swallow some days, I know that my Jesus has taught me priceless lessons over the past 25 years that I don't ever think I could put into sufficient words.
The most priceless thing God has taught me (and I think I have finally learned it!) is that there is tremendous spiritual weight and value in suffering. You can learn things during times of crisis, that, if you allow them to (that is the key) they will drive you to the very heart of Almighty God. There is no place like that in the world! I would love to say I am in that place all the time, I am not, but God in His grace continues to love me and lead me back there more and more. As Voddie Baucham says, "Trials enable people to rise above religion to God." Such truth in that - religion is wonderful but only the Living God of the Bible can walk you down the darkest journey you thought you would never see.
So, today as one more year passes for me in this "new normal" I am focusing on all that the Lord has done and will do for me. I am blessed beyond words to be able, after all these many years, to know that I know the suffering I am enduring today is working in me a far exceeding and eternal weight of glory - all of this may be unseen but it is the unseen things that have the most eternal value. I praise God for that.
I will also continue to trust my God, Who is bigger than all of my suffering. He will continue to hold me, shelter me and lead me as I follow Him. I give my Jesus all the praise and glory for every minute, good and bad, of the last 25 years and I praise Him for the next 25, knowing He is in control.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, The Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable, He gives power to the weak. And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Rejoicing in 25 years of Hope,
Roxanne
Yes, while all of these things are true and still hard to swallow some days, I know that my Jesus has taught me priceless lessons over the past 25 years that I don't ever think I could put into sufficient words.
The most priceless thing God has taught me (and I think I have finally learned it!) is that there is tremendous spiritual weight and value in suffering. You can learn things during times of crisis, that, if you allow them to (that is the key) they will drive you to the very heart of Almighty God. There is no place like that in the world! I would love to say I am in that place all the time, I am not, but God in His grace continues to love me and lead me back there more and more. As Voddie Baucham says, "Trials enable people to rise above religion to God." Such truth in that - religion is wonderful but only the Living God of the Bible can walk you down the darkest journey you thought you would never see.
So, today as one more year passes for me in this "new normal" I am focusing on all that the Lord has done and will do for me. I am blessed beyond words to be able, after all these many years, to know that I know the suffering I am enduring today is working in me a far exceeding and eternal weight of glory - all of this may be unseen but it is the unseen things that have the most eternal value. I praise God for that.
I will also continue to trust my God, Who is bigger than all of my suffering. He will continue to hold me, shelter me and lead me as I follow Him. I give my Jesus all the praise and glory for every minute, good and bad, of the last 25 years and I praise Him for the next 25, knowing He is in control.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, The Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable, He gives power to the weak. And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Rejoicing in 25 years of Hope,
Roxanne
Monday, July 12, 2010
Rain
It rained at my house most of last week - a byproduct of the hurricanes in the Gulf. The endless rain was a reminder to me of the mercy and grace that God endlessly pours down over all of us each day - like a gentle shower.
God is so good to continue to give just what we need. A lot like a good rain. The mercy and grace that comes from the Lord just pours over our souls and whets our hearts, it draws us closer to Him and helps us to see the Living God as Provider, Keeper, Maker and Healer of all that we are.
This is where I have been lately, being so sick from the nausea and side effects of my latest seizure medicine. I have felt the grace and mercy of Almighty God not only holding me but pouring over my heart and telling me over and over again, "My grace is sufficient for you and My power is made perfect in your weakness." (Paraphrased from 2 Cor. 12:9-10)
So, as just about everyone has gotten sick of the rain over the past week, I have enjoyed to sit, watch and allow the Lord to speak to me through splashing water on my windows - He is so good!
I have had a lot of seizures this past week and I am still battling this nausea. I am more than thankful for all of my wonderful Prayer Warriors - you mean everything to me, God Bless You! I am resting in the Lord knowing He is my strength and the Anchor of my soul.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
God is so good to continue to give just what we need. A lot like a good rain. The mercy and grace that comes from the Lord just pours over our souls and whets our hearts, it draws us closer to Him and helps us to see the Living God as Provider, Keeper, Maker and Healer of all that we are.
This is where I have been lately, being so sick from the nausea and side effects of my latest seizure medicine. I have felt the grace and mercy of Almighty God not only holding me but pouring over my heart and telling me over and over again, "My grace is sufficient for you and My power is made perfect in your weakness." (Paraphrased from 2 Cor. 12:9-10)
So, as just about everyone has gotten sick of the rain over the past week, I have enjoyed to sit, watch and allow the Lord to speak to me through splashing water on my windows - He is so good!
I have had a lot of seizures this past week and I am still battling this nausea. I am more than thankful for all of my wonderful Prayer Warriors - you mean everything to me, God Bless You! I am resting in the Lord knowing He is my strength and the Anchor of my soul.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Latest
I am not sure where the last week and a half have gone, it seems like an eternity since I have written and I have missed it. I have had a hard time keeping up with my normal routine lately due to some side effects I have been having from a seizure medicine I am trying.
This latest chapter all began back in April when Stephen and I decided that it might be a good idea to explore some of the meds I have already tried - I have been on everything (some things a few times) and there is nothing new for now. We thought some of the drugs I tried in the past may be worth re-visiting again, you never know how a medicine may work a second or third time around. So, on April 14th I began a medication that I was on about 10 years ago.
The outcome for my seizure activity has been very good and I give all the praise and glory to my Jesus, who holds my heart and my hand on this long journey each day. There are, however, two very difficult side effects that I am struggling with daily. The first being severe and often debilitating nausea. There is just no other way to put it, it has been horrible. I am sick most of the time and just praying my way through my day - God has been very good to remind me that when I am weak, He is strong.
The second of the side effects is a very powerful appetite suppressant. I am just really never hungry and have already lost 10 pounds (not complaining about that) but just feeling sick and not eating for three months takes a toll on a body.
We are believing God for the side effects to completely subside so that I will be able to increase the dosage of the medicine and for a continued increase in seizure free days. I am asking you, my sweet friends and readers to believe and pray with us. I can't even remember the last time I had this many seizure free days and my heart leaps for joy to think it could increase.
I also covet your prayers over my emotions. It is easy for me to become frustrated in times when I never feel well and I am just riding this roller coaster over and over again. But, I stand against frustration and doubt, knowing that nothing comes to me (or any of us) without first being filtered through the Father's Hand. I choose to be content in all of the difficult times and lean harder on the Lord - He is enough.
Thank you for lifting me before the Father. I am standing on Psalm 62:1-2 "Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense, I shall not be greatly be moved." Thank you for standing with me!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
This latest chapter all began back in April when Stephen and I decided that it might be a good idea to explore some of the meds I have already tried - I have been on everything (some things a few times) and there is nothing new for now. We thought some of the drugs I tried in the past may be worth re-visiting again, you never know how a medicine may work a second or third time around. So, on April 14th I began a medication that I was on about 10 years ago.
The outcome for my seizure activity has been very good and I give all the praise and glory to my Jesus, who holds my heart and my hand on this long journey each day. There are, however, two very difficult side effects that I am struggling with daily. The first being severe and often debilitating nausea. There is just no other way to put it, it has been horrible. I am sick most of the time and just praying my way through my day - God has been very good to remind me that when I am weak, He is strong.
The second of the side effects is a very powerful appetite suppressant. I am just really never hungry and have already lost 10 pounds (not complaining about that) but just feeling sick and not eating for three months takes a toll on a body.
We are believing God for the side effects to completely subside so that I will be able to increase the dosage of the medicine and for a continued increase in seizure free days. I am asking you, my sweet friends and readers to believe and pray with us. I can't even remember the last time I had this many seizure free days and my heart leaps for joy to think it could increase.
I also covet your prayers over my emotions. It is easy for me to become frustrated in times when I never feel well and I am just riding this roller coaster over and over again. But, I stand against frustration and doubt, knowing that nothing comes to me (or any of us) without first being filtered through the Father's Hand. I choose to be content in all of the difficult times and lean harder on the Lord - He is enough.
Thank you for lifting me before the Father. I am standing on Psalm 62:1-2 "Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense, I shall not be greatly be moved." Thank you for standing with me!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Everyday Life
I have heard one question quite a bit the last several years, "How do you function everyday?" People are always very curious how someone who has almost daily seizures does "the little things... the routine things."
I thought I would take this opportunity to share a little bit of how my day goes, how I get things done and the way in which I do some of the things of everyday life.
My day starts probably a lot like yours, just wanting five more minutes of precious sleep! Stephen gets up first, which allows me about two or three minutes to pray. I take this time because I know the day will be a challenge and sometimes I think. "O Lord another day! How will I make it through? More seizures, more limitations, more side effects from new seizure meds I am trying - God give me the strength." He always does and He also reminds me that I am not in this alone. I wait for Stephen to help me out of bed, we have a bed that is high and requires steps to get in and out of, something I obviously cannot do alone, due to seizures and safety. I cannot remember the last time I climbed in or out of bed by myself.
Stephen sticks pretty close by me while we do our morning routine - in the blink of an eye I have been known to hit the floor and that would be a tough way to begin the day.
A few years ago I started dressing in the closet, sitting on the floor. This is safer and makes it easier for Stephen in case he cannot stand right there - safety first at our house!
My wheelchair helps me to do the housework I am still able to do and I enjoy it very much. I think out of all the things I miss doing, I miss housework the most. I know most of you women are gritting your teeth but, you never know how much you will miss something until you can't do it any longer.
Two years ago Stephen bought me a catcher's mask, I use it when I go from wheelchair to couch or chair - or wherever I need to go. Not a fashion statement I would have chosen myself but it is better than losing my front teeth... again. I never walk anywhere alone, if I need to get somewhere my wheelchair cannot take me, I crawl. And believe me, my 42 year old knees have got the permanent scars to prove it - you will never catch ME in shorts!
Most of my trips to the little girls' room are accompanied by my wonderful husband who never seems to get tired of hearing, "Stephen, I need to go to the bathroom!" But for the times when he is not here I use my trusty helmet. I must say I really don't like using it at all. It is ugly, heavy and it gives me just the slightest bit of claustrophobia! But I will continue to use it for the sake of my face and my teeth but I think it will forever be a love/hate thing between me and my "friend."
Cooking has been very tough for me for a very long time and through the years it has only gotten worse. I do not use the stove by myself - you can probably guess why but if you need some help, let's just say a seizure patient with her head in the oven is never a pretty sight. I can no longer use the microwave because, number one: ours is up high and I can't reach from my wheelchair and number two: it is never wise for someone with seizures to handle hot things - hence the reasoning behind the oven use or lack thereof! I also never handle anything sharp, so, anything that needs chopping has to be done by the men in the house. So, it is safe to say, we eat out a lot.
About nine months ago we came to the conclusion that I needed to stop using the flat iron on my hair - again just too dangerous. So, just as he has so many times before, my amazing husband stepped up to the plate and now does my hair for me. This was another one of those things that was hard to let go, we women like to do our hair and primp in the mirror. I am just thankful for the servant heart Stephen has and how the Lord has used it to bless and encourage me over the years. And I must say I think he does a better job with my hair than I did!
Through all of these adjustments, transitions and even losses God has remained faithful. He has showed me time and time again that His grace is sufficient and He will carry me through another day. I have learned something so vital through all the trials. That is, if my days were not so trying, I would not be able to see the goodness and all sufficient power of the Living God.
There is a song that I really like by Ayiesha Woods called, "Days" - the chorus does a better job of expressing what I have been saying and goes like this:
"Don't you wish that every day was an easy day? And there was nothing that you couldn't do. But if every day was an easy day, you'd never be able to say that Jesus brought you through."
Thank you Lord for bringing me through all of the days, both easy, and not so easy.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"This is the day the Lord made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
I thought I would take this opportunity to share a little bit of how my day goes, how I get things done and the way in which I do some of the things of everyday life.
My day starts probably a lot like yours, just wanting five more minutes of precious sleep! Stephen gets up first, which allows me about two or three minutes to pray. I take this time because I know the day will be a challenge and sometimes I think. "O Lord another day! How will I make it through? More seizures, more limitations, more side effects from new seizure meds I am trying - God give me the strength." He always does and He also reminds me that I am not in this alone. I wait for Stephen to help me out of bed, we have a bed that is high and requires steps to get in and out of, something I obviously cannot do alone, due to seizures and safety. I cannot remember the last time I climbed in or out of bed by myself.
Stephen sticks pretty close by me while we do our morning routine - in the blink of an eye I have been known to hit the floor and that would be a tough way to begin the day.
A few years ago I started dressing in the closet, sitting on the floor. This is safer and makes it easier for Stephen in case he cannot stand right there - safety first at our house!
My wheelchair helps me to do the housework I am still able to do and I enjoy it very much. I think out of all the things I miss doing, I miss housework the most. I know most of you women are gritting your teeth but, you never know how much you will miss something until you can't do it any longer.
Two years ago Stephen bought me a catcher's mask, I use it when I go from wheelchair to couch or chair - or wherever I need to go. Not a fashion statement I would have chosen myself but it is better than losing my front teeth... again. I never walk anywhere alone, if I need to get somewhere my wheelchair cannot take me, I crawl. And believe me, my 42 year old knees have got the permanent scars to prove it - you will never catch ME in shorts!
Most of my trips to the little girls' room are accompanied by my wonderful husband who never seems to get tired of hearing, "Stephen, I need to go to the bathroom!" But for the times when he is not here I use my trusty helmet. I must say I really don't like using it at all. It is ugly, heavy and it gives me just the slightest bit of claustrophobia! But I will continue to use it for the sake of my face and my teeth but I think it will forever be a love/hate thing between me and my "friend."
Cooking has been very tough for me for a very long time and through the years it has only gotten worse. I do not use the stove by myself - you can probably guess why but if you need some help, let's just say a seizure patient with her head in the oven is never a pretty sight. I can no longer use the microwave because, number one: ours is up high and I can't reach from my wheelchair and number two: it is never wise for someone with seizures to handle hot things - hence the reasoning behind the oven use or lack thereof! I also never handle anything sharp, so, anything that needs chopping has to be done by the men in the house. So, it is safe to say, we eat out a lot.
About nine months ago we came to the conclusion that I needed to stop using the flat iron on my hair - again just too dangerous. So, just as he has so many times before, my amazing husband stepped up to the plate and now does my hair for me. This was another one of those things that was hard to let go, we women like to do our hair and primp in the mirror. I am just thankful for the servant heart Stephen has and how the Lord has used it to bless and encourage me over the years. And I must say I think he does a better job with my hair than I did!
Through all of these adjustments, transitions and even losses God has remained faithful. He has showed me time and time again that His grace is sufficient and He will carry me through another day. I have learned something so vital through all the trials. That is, if my days were not so trying, I would not be able to see the goodness and all sufficient power of the Living God.
There is a song that I really like by Ayiesha Woods called, "Days" - the chorus does a better job of expressing what I have been saying and goes like this:
"Don't you wish that every day was an easy day? And there was nothing that you couldn't do. But if every day was an easy day, you'd never be able to say that Jesus brought you through."
Thank you Lord for bringing me through all of the days, both easy, and not so easy.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"This is the day the Lord made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Good-Bye Sixth Grade and Hello Summer...
Last Thursday was a great day in our house and if you are a parent you can appreciate what I am about to say - it was the last day of school!!! For Josh it was the last day of sixth grade, he attends a wonderful Christian, Classical school here in Spring and we absolutely love it. The sixth grade is still a part of the Grammar school so next year he we be a part of the Upper School - which is the middle and high school combined. We are in the BIG league now!! I have no idea how the time has gone so quickly and it was a little bitter-sweet for me as a Mom to say good-bye to sixth grade (even though we will not be changing schools or anything) it is the little things that will change. But, life goes on and they must grow up...
I am very excited to see the summer arrive - I think I may be more excited than Josh! It has been a tough year for me and this tired, old mom is ready for a break - so I am thankful to say, no more school until September 7th.
I am looking forward to the lazy days of summer. Sleeping in, a steady stream of boys in my house for 3 months, spending time with my mom while Stephen and Josh are at church camp, playing board games with Josh and watching "I Love Lucy", reading my very favorite book, "To Kill A mockingbird", as I do every summer, taking our family vacation to Branson Mo., no schedules or routines - and did I mention sleeping in?! That might be the best part!
I praise God for this sixth grade year and how He has worked in Josh's life and heart - I know he continues to grow spiritually as well as academically and we are beyond thankful for what the Lord is doing in his young life. Seventh grade will be here before we know it and I give it to the Lord, knowing He is in control of each day - I am looking forward to seeing what the new year holds!
But in the meantime, I am going to enjoy this summer and time with my son. God is good to give us every minute and I will treasure them all.
Rejoicing in Hope in the Summertime,
Roxanne
I am very excited to see the summer arrive - I think I may be more excited than Josh! It has been a tough year for me and this tired, old mom is ready for a break - so I am thankful to say, no more school until September 7th.
I am looking forward to the lazy days of summer. Sleeping in, a steady stream of boys in my house for 3 months, spending time with my mom while Stephen and Josh are at church camp, playing board games with Josh and watching "I Love Lucy", reading my very favorite book, "To Kill A mockingbird", as I do every summer, taking our family vacation to Branson Mo., no schedules or routines - and did I mention sleeping in?! That might be the best part!
I praise God for this sixth grade year and how He has worked in Josh's life and heart - I know he continues to grow spiritually as well as academically and we are beyond thankful for what the Lord is doing in his young life. Seventh grade will be here before we know it and I give it to the Lord, knowing He is in control of each day - I am looking forward to seeing what the new year holds!
But in the meantime, I am going to enjoy this summer and time with my son. God is good to give us every minute and I will treasure them all.
Rejoicing in Hope in the Summertime,
Roxanne
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I will Stand
I have learned a valuable lesson over the past few days, well, I guess I should say I have re-learned. This is something that believers learn from day one of becoming a Christ follower - we have an Enemy.
The Bible says, "Be sober, be vigilant; your adversary, the devil, walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." 1 Peter 5:8
The past few months of physical and emotional tailspin I have been living in have allowed me to forget that because I am a Christian I walk around each day with a target on my back and Satan will always strike where you are the weakest.
He has taken the opportunity, mostly because I have given it to him, to shoot off fiery darts at my weakened state of emotions only to weaken them more. I had forgotten that I am in a daily battle for my spiritual life and Satan will stop at nothing to pull me under the tide of doubt and hopelessness.
Over the past few days the Lord has taken me by the shoulders and reminded me of who I am. I am a Child of the King, a Daughter of the Most High God and Satan is a defeated foe - he has no power over me simply because the God of the Universe resides inside my heart and life. Hallelujah!! I needed to hear that so badly and maybe you do too. I needed for God to remind of who I am in Him and that I can and will stand firm in His power - no matter how high the water or how deep the valley!
I have been focused on the Armor of God found in Eph. 6 - my Sunday school class has been studying this passage for the last few weeks and God has really used it to open my eyes about who I am fighting each day.
"Finally, my brethren be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph. 6:10-12
So, please learn from me, if you are going through a trial or even if life is being good to you, put on the whole armor of God and fight. Stand firm on the promises of the Lord. Remember, as I have had to, that you do indeed have an enemy but God has not left you powerless. All the power you need is in Jesus. Cling to Him, stay in His Word, allow Him to teach you and stretch your faith - even through those tough times, after all, that's how we most see the power of God demonstrated anyway.
I would like to thank my special circle of friends that I called on to stand with me in prayer, Heather, Melissa, Keri, Casey and Cathleen. You are precious friends and I thank you for lifting me up in prayer when I needed you the most. And my mother, who I love so much, thanks for always listening to me and praying for me - you are a blessing.
As far as my home, "the pit" goes, I am overjoyed to say it was only temporary! The Lord has pulled me from that awful place - I have some dirt under my fingernails from clawing around in there but I am looking into the Face of my Father knowing that He has rescued me once again!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed. Because His compassions fail not, they are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion says my soul, therefore I hope in Him!" Lam. 3:21-24
The Bible says, "Be sober, be vigilant; your adversary, the devil, walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." 1 Peter 5:8
The past few months of physical and emotional tailspin I have been living in have allowed me to forget that because I am a Christian I walk around each day with a target on my back and Satan will always strike where you are the weakest.
He has taken the opportunity, mostly because I have given it to him, to shoot off fiery darts at my weakened state of emotions only to weaken them more. I had forgotten that I am in a daily battle for my spiritual life and Satan will stop at nothing to pull me under the tide of doubt and hopelessness.
Over the past few days the Lord has taken me by the shoulders and reminded me of who I am. I am a Child of the King, a Daughter of the Most High God and Satan is a defeated foe - he has no power over me simply because the God of the Universe resides inside my heart and life. Hallelujah!! I needed to hear that so badly and maybe you do too. I needed for God to remind of who I am in Him and that I can and will stand firm in His power - no matter how high the water or how deep the valley!
I have been focused on the Armor of God found in Eph. 6 - my Sunday school class has been studying this passage for the last few weeks and God has really used it to open my eyes about who I am fighting each day.
"Finally, my brethren be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph. 6:10-12
So, please learn from me, if you are going through a trial or even if life is being good to you, put on the whole armor of God and fight. Stand firm on the promises of the Lord. Remember, as I have had to, that you do indeed have an enemy but God has not left you powerless. All the power you need is in Jesus. Cling to Him, stay in His Word, allow Him to teach you and stretch your faith - even through those tough times, after all, that's how we most see the power of God demonstrated anyway.
I would like to thank my special circle of friends that I called on to stand with me in prayer, Heather, Melissa, Keri, Casey and Cathleen. You are precious friends and I thank you for lifting me up in prayer when I needed you the most. And my mother, who I love so much, thanks for always listening to me and praying for me - you are a blessing.
As far as my home, "the pit" goes, I am overjoyed to say it was only temporary! The Lord has pulled me from that awful place - I have some dirt under my fingernails from clawing around in there but I am looking into the Face of my Father knowing that He has rescued me once again!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed. Because His compassions fail not, they are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion says my soul, therefore I hope in Him!" Lam. 3:21-24
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Days of Old
God is so good - that seems so simple and obvious to say and yet as believers we all say it. God is of course so good and has moved through our lives in countless ways - sometimes all we can come up with in our very limited way of thinking and speaking is, "God is good."
I have been almost living in the Book of Psalms lately. Those of you who know me, know that it is one of my very favorites and it is also a balm to my soul - to all of our souls. The words wash over me as if they have been taken from my own life - I love how the Lord knew I would need that, how we all would need that.
The past few weeks He has used Psalm 77 to wash over my soul time and time again and so today I thought I would share it with you (parts of it anyway) - I pray that you are encouraged and filled with the hope the only God can give as you go through your day, your mountaintop, your valley or wherever God may have you.
Psalm 77
I cried out to God with my voice - to God with my voice; in the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God and was troubled; I complained and was overwhelmed.. I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times. I call to remembrance my song in the night; I meditate within my heart and my soul makes diligent search...
And I said, "This is my anguish; but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will also meditate on all Your work and talk of all Your deeds."
I have been prompted by the Lord to go back over my life and meditate on how He has worked and all the times He has been there and touched my life as only God can do - and remember that yes, he is very good. I have been doing this for some time now but this time I wanted to include it in the blog and maybe encourage you to look in your own life and thank Him for all those times when He has been so faithful...
So, Lord I thank you for walking with me every step of the way even when I didn't know you were there...
When Mama carried me so long ago and there were problems no one could have ever dreamed of ... You were there working.
When I knelt beside my bed in 1982 and gave my heart and life to you... You took my heart and have held it so tightly each day since then.
For allowing me to meet Stephen in High school and ordain our love and relationship at such an early age... God you have worked through Stephen in so many ways to teach me, grow me and lead me closer to you.
For allowing me 7 seizure free years in the beginning of our marriage... Lord how awesome you are to allow me that time.
For August 26th, 1996 when we found out we were going to have a baby... what a precious gift from You Lord, the gift of Motherhood is always so sweet but for a person with such severe disabilities, I am still overwhelmed.
For walking through a hard but rewarding pregnancy with me Lord, every week of getting my blood levels checked, not knowing how long my veins would last and the peace that You provided through it all - God You are faithful.
May 2, 1997 - our Joshua entered this world and You led me through it every step of the way, never taking Your hand from me.
Lord, I praise You and thank you for each time that I have fallen during a seizure - too many to count, my face bruised beyond recognition and my teeth knocked out 3 different times, countless stitches and trips to the ER - through it all I have felt the presence of the Lord in a powerful way and You have used these horrible times to draw me unto Yourself.
Lord I praise You when you have wrapped Your hands around my heart when friends may be talking on one side of the room and I can't get up to join them - You are always so wonderful to remind me that this is not the most important thing, and you comfort my heart in the process.
The joy of our first home... You were there to remind me that all praise goes to you.
The fun, love and memories of our family vacations - Your mighty hand has led and guided us through each one and reminded me that it is only by your grace.
The fact that I have have had 2-3 seizures as I have typed this and yet the Lord has helped me through it... I am overwhelmed at the goodness of God - thank you Lord for helping me finish what is so important to me and what I hope brings You glory.
I could really go on and on, these are just some of the amazing things God has done in my life that have allowed me to say... "God is good". It is a joy to focus on those days of old and think about all the ways He has worked and all the things He has yet to do. So, as I come to a close, what about you? How will you "remember the wonders of old" that only God can do?
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"We give thanks to You, O, God, we give thanks! For Your wondrous works declare that Your name is near." Psalm 75:1
I have been almost living in the Book of Psalms lately. Those of you who know me, know that it is one of my very favorites and it is also a balm to my soul - to all of our souls. The words wash over me as if they have been taken from my own life - I love how the Lord knew I would need that, how we all would need that.
The past few weeks He has used Psalm 77 to wash over my soul time and time again and so today I thought I would share it with you (parts of it anyway) - I pray that you are encouraged and filled with the hope the only God can give as you go through your day, your mountaintop, your valley or wherever God may have you.
Psalm 77
I cried out to God with my voice - to God with my voice; in the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing; my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God and was troubled; I complained and was overwhelmed.. I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times. I call to remembrance my song in the night; I meditate within my heart and my soul makes diligent search...
And I said, "This is my anguish; but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will also meditate on all Your work and talk of all Your deeds."
I have been prompted by the Lord to go back over my life and meditate on how He has worked and all the times He has been there and touched my life as only God can do - and remember that yes, he is very good. I have been doing this for some time now but this time I wanted to include it in the blog and maybe encourage you to look in your own life and thank Him for all those times when He has been so faithful...
So, Lord I thank you for walking with me every step of the way even when I didn't know you were there...
When Mama carried me so long ago and there were problems no one could have ever dreamed of ... You were there working.
When I knelt beside my bed in 1982 and gave my heart and life to you... You took my heart and have held it so tightly each day since then.
For allowing me to meet Stephen in High school and ordain our love and relationship at such an early age... God you have worked through Stephen in so many ways to teach me, grow me and lead me closer to you.
For allowing me 7 seizure free years in the beginning of our marriage... Lord how awesome you are to allow me that time.
For August 26th, 1996 when we found out we were going to have a baby... what a precious gift from You Lord, the gift of Motherhood is always so sweet but for a person with such severe disabilities, I am still overwhelmed.
For walking through a hard but rewarding pregnancy with me Lord, every week of getting my blood levels checked, not knowing how long my veins would last and the peace that You provided through it all - God You are faithful.
May 2, 1997 - our Joshua entered this world and You led me through it every step of the way, never taking Your hand from me.
Lord, I praise You and thank you for each time that I have fallen during a seizure - too many to count, my face bruised beyond recognition and my teeth knocked out 3 different times, countless stitches and trips to the ER - through it all I have felt the presence of the Lord in a powerful way and You have used these horrible times to draw me unto Yourself.
Lord I praise You when you have wrapped Your hands around my heart when friends may be talking on one side of the room and I can't get up to join them - You are always so wonderful to remind me that this is not the most important thing, and you comfort my heart in the process.
The joy of our first home... You were there to remind me that all praise goes to you.
The fun, love and memories of our family vacations - Your mighty hand has led and guided us through each one and reminded me that it is only by your grace.
The fact that I have have had 2-3 seizures as I have typed this and yet the Lord has helped me through it... I am overwhelmed at the goodness of God - thank you Lord for helping me finish what is so important to me and what I hope brings You glory.
I could really go on and on, these are just some of the amazing things God has done in my life that have allowed me to say... "God is good". It is a joy to focus on those days of old and think about all the ways He has worked and all the things He has yet to do. So, as I come to a close, what about you? How will you "remember the wonders of old" that only God can do?
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"We give thanks to You, O, God, we give thanks! For Your wondrous works declare that Your name is near." Psalm 75:1
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Pit
I have had a new home for the past few months. I haven't liked it very much, not my style at all. It has been cold, unpleasant, uncomfortable and very lonely. It hit me the other day that I have been spending too much time in, we'll call it "The Pit" - over the past few months due to the especially deep valley I find myself these days.
Disability and depression go hand in hand - it is very easy to get down over the difficult situation you are dealing with on a minute by minute basis. I have dealt with this some but not much. Well, that is where I find myself these days, knee deep in the muck and mire of just trying to deal with it all. Never in my 42 years have I had so many medical things thrown at me at one time as I have over the past 2 years - it has been relentless.
My emotions are worn to a frazzle, they have been ripped from me so many times only to be patched back into place with Elmer's glue. It has been a rough road and right now I just don't know if I am coming or going.Over the past few weeks I have seen myself sliding deeper into this pit as if there was no way to stop it - my emotions have been all over the place, crying over anything and everything and let's face it if you're a woman reading this, you've been there!
I have not been in a place like this in quite some time - not since I surrendered to my wheelchair 4 years ago. And I don't like it, I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. Now, I know I am surrounded by a family who loves me and stands by me and by my God who loves me more than I will ever know and has promised to never leave or forsake me - but sometimes when you are fighting a battle day in and day out, it is easy to feel like you are the only one on the front line.
That is where I have been for about two months, but I am happy to say I am slowly (very slowly) coming through to the other side. I have felt the presence of the Lord in a powerful way these past days and He has again reminded me that when I can't get to Him, He will come to me. And He has, over and over. I wish I could say that I was feeling like my old self but the truth is I'm just not there yet.
Through all of this I am thankful for I know God has a plan and purpose that I cannot even perceive and He is faithful even when I am faithless. So for now I will continue to rest in Him and allow Him to teach me what I need to learn from all of this as well as stretch and grow my faith - that is my number one goal anyway so if this is the vehicle the Lord chooses to use to achieve that, then so be it.
Right now, I am looking up from the bottom of this pit and I can see a tiny stream of light coming in along with the Arms of my Father reaching down to pick me up - thank you Lord.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined to me. And heard my cry; He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay. And set my feet upon a rock; and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth, Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:1-3
Disability and depression go hand in hand - it is very easy to get down over the difficult situation you are dealing with on a minute by minute basis. I have dealt with this some but not much. Well, that is where I find myself these days, knee deep in the muck and mire of just trying to deal with it all. Never in my 42 years have I had so many medical things thrown at me at one time as I have over the past 2 years - it has been relentless.
My emotions are worn to a frazzle, they have been ripped from me so many times only to be patched back into place with Elmer's glue. It has been a rough road and right now I just don't know if I am coming or going.Over the past few weeks I have seen myself sliding deeper into this pit as if there was no way to stop it - my emotions have been all over the place, crying over anything and everything and let's face it if you're a woman reading this, you've been there!
I have not been in a place like this in quite some time - not since I surrendered to my wheelchair 4 years ago. And I don't like it, I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. Now, I know I am surrounded by a family who loves me and stands by me and by my God who loves me more than I will ever know and has promised to never leave or forsake me - but sometimes when you are fighting a battle day in and day out, it is easy to feel like you are the only one on the front line.
That is where I have been for about two months, but I am happy to say I am slowly (very slowly) coming through to the other side. I have felt the presence of the Lord in a powerful way these past days and He has again reminded me that when I can't get to Him, He will come to me. And He has, over and over. I wish I could say that I was feeling like my old self but the truth is I'm just not there yet.
Through all of this I am thankful for I know God has a plan and purpose that I cannot even perceive and He is faithful even when I am faithless. So for now I will continue to rest in Him and allow Him to teach me what I need to learn from all of this as well as stretch and grow my faith - that is my number one goal anyway so if this is the vehicle the Lord chooses to use to achieve that, then so be it.
Right now, I am looking up from the bottom of this pit and I can see a tiny stream of light coming in along with the Arms of my Father reaching down to pick me up - thank you Lord.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined to me. And heard my cry; He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay. And set my feet upon a rock; and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth, Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:1-3
Monday, May 3, 2010
Thirteen
Yesterday was a big day in the Broussard house, our only child, Joshua, turned 13! We can hardly believe how the years have flown by.
Diapers, bottles, bouncy seats, ear infections, teething, Veggie Tales, Bible Man, "blankies", first steps, Kindergarten, friends, birthday parties, sleepovers, Christmases, first cell phone, growth spurts, "peach fuzz" on the lip and all the countless other things that have been packaged into the last thirteen years. So many memories...
And yet all I am able to do is think of how it all began. Stephen and I and were so unsure about getting pregnant with all my health issues, we were thinking of adopting for a long time but it just never seemed like the way God wanted us to go.
I was at Precept Bible study one Thursday morning and our teacher,Betty Miller, a wonderful woman of God who has gone Home to be with the Lord, began to talk about a recent trip to the doctor with her three year old son, Luke. She described a man with a hook for an arm who came into the office and Luke went right up to the man and asked if he had ever asked Jesus to heal him. Well, I'm sure the rest of the story was just as great but at that point I stopped listening only to hear the Lord speak to my heart and say, "Roxanne, have you ever asked Me to give you a healthy baby and a safe pregnancy?" Well, in all honesty, no I hadn't.
My life and heart were changed that day, I knew that God had spoken and I was to be obedient. After talking with Stephen and much prayer and seeking the Lord, we began to try to conceive.
August 26th, 1996 we found out we were going to have a precious life and we were both so excited we hardly knew what to do with ourselves! My doctor visit a few days later was great, we were blessed to find out the baby was due in early May.
At one of our earlier exams my doctor said some very shocking words to us, "If things don't look right to us, due to your medical problems, we can help you with that if you don't want to go any further." We couldn't even believe the suggestion was brought up! "Doctor, this is our baby and whatever the outcome, he/she is a gift from God. We will love this baby no matter what." It was never mentioned again.
On May 2nd, 1997 Joshua Aaron Broussard came into this world and our lives have never been the same since. He is truly our miracle and we are blessed every day to have him. We have no idea what to expect from the teenage years, we just give them and our Josh to the Lord each day and pray that God will continue to work in his heart just as He has for the first twelve.
I am so thankful that I obeyed the Lord so long ago, the blessings have been countless. Joshua is a miracle to us for sure, when I stop to think of the severity of my disabilities and the likelihood of pregnancy and a healthy child it makes me cry every time - only the God of the Universe can do such miraculous things. Joshua will be our only child but we are honored to have him - he has blessed our lives more than he will ever know. I will forever praise my God for allowing me the honor and joy of experiencing Motherhood - it has been such a thrill and it can only get better!!
Happy Birthday Josh - I love you!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)