For several weeks now my mind and heart have been filled with memories and thoughts of my childhood. I am sure my thinking has been steered this way due to the struggle we are having with Maw-Maw and so for days now I have found myself in a "different place."
I have always been very blessed to be close to both sets of my Grandparents, they are very different and I guess that is what makes the memories so wonderful and fun. I had two very unique experiences growing up, on the one hand I had the Italian experience complete with big family and great food and on the other I had the country experience complete with "down home" living and tender hearted people.
My mind has recently drifted back to those days when I would visit the little white frame house of my Grandma and Grandpa Kilgore and the wonderful smell of Downy would be the first thing to meet you at the door - my Grandma Kilgore is the only one I know who could do 15 loads of laundry in a day and still have time to go fishing. I can remember the days lazy of summer on their farm in Apple Springs Texas and we would all pile up in the back of my Grandpa's red Ford truck to go pick tomatoes and beans from the garden that was his pride and joy. The little bottle Cokes that we took with us would drip ice cold all the way there and what a thrill it was to dab that freezing bottle all over our hot, hot faces. We would end those sweltering days by eating ice cream on the front porch and waiting for the stars to blanket us at night - my grandma would always wish upon a star. Oh, how I long for those days again... and I sure miss my Grandma and Grandpa.
My memories are different but just as wonderful and special at my Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw Sedita's house. This time, standing at her front door, the first thing to greet you is the smell of pasta gravy. How many times I stood at that door just knowing it wouldn't be too much longer before we could eat some of that wonderful food - nobody cooks like Maw-Maw. And eat, we did, every Sunday when I was growing up, we all went over for our Sunday meal, a houseful of us, talking loud and eating, like Italians do. My cousin Gina and I loved to watch the Miss America Pageant with Maw-Maw - it was an annual event at her house and we would stay up late, laugh and eat chips and onion dip. Oh, how I long for those days... and I sure will miss my Maw-Maw when its time for her to go.
These have been the longings of my heart lately - just lost in the memories I guess. All of these longings led me to another great longing that - believe it or not - outweighs all of these. My desire to set my feet on the streets of Heaven and look into the eyes of my Savior.
My heart skips a beat each time I think of the day when I will be able to walk - no wheelchair in sight - alongside of the One who gave it all for me to live. The thought is overwhelming, to fall at the feet of Jesus and worship - is there anything that compares? To raise my voice, along with every angel in Heaven, in praise and adoration of King Jesus - I can hardly type the words!
Then just as icing on the cake, Jesus will say, "You are healed, you have no need for that wheelchair here. And seizures, they do not exist." Praise God - I can't wait for the day! How about you?
The thought of Heaven is the deepest longing of my heart and I praise God that one day I will not only stand before my God but I will be able to sit down with all my precious Grandparents again and talk about all those special memories that I have hidden in my heart for so long. Just makes me smile thinking of the day...
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The God of Do-Overs
If you have been reading my blog for long, you know that the past several months have been difficult ones for me. One health crisis after another, one seizure after another - it all equals a very weary woman with a heavy heart.
Another issue that I have left out is my sweet Maw-Maw, she is 92, suffers from tongue and jaw cancer and is going down hill very quickly. My heart is broken over the thought of losing her, I know she has lived a full life and loves the Lord but, she is my very last grandparent and it has been hard.
This past weekend we had a big scare with her and are now having to make some hard decisions - life just never seems to get easier. It was a hard weekend on many levels and I came home overwhelmed, upset and angry. On Sunday evening I was beginning to feel a deep caesium between myself and the Lord.
I am sharing these things because I want to be completely honest about my walk with my God- it is not perfect, not even close. I am always learning and praying for the Lord to keep removing the "warts" of this world from my heart.
Monday morning I found it hard to pray and I stayed away from my time in the Word, a time that I treasure each day and I encourage everyone to give daily Bible time to God. But I just could not focus on the things of God, my focus was only inward at this time. I was only thinking of the weekend I had just experienced and my body that is worn and weak from over 8 weeks of non stop seizures. Tuesday and Wednesday were about the same, only now I was having that agonizing emptiness from missing my Best Friend for three days. If you have ever been there, you know what I mean.
Today I got up and prayed, prayed hard. I told the Lord that I thought I needed a do-over for the week. Just to start over with a clean heart that has not been hard or sinful towards my Lord. And God, being God, reminded me that He was in the business of do-overs.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Praise God!! I am so thankful to know the God of do-overs as my Lord and Savior. I certainly did not deserve forgiveness but how blessed I am that God does not have human thinking.
My heart feels whole again and I feel close to the Lord - no more deep void between us, that I created, by the way. I am still heart broken over my grandma and I am certainly still having too many seizures to count but now I am in right relationship with the One Who can give me the peace and strength to face it all. The grace and love of God amazes me and I am so unworthy - thank you Lord.
I don't know where you are today, maybe you are walking strongly with your God and I pray that is the case. But maybe you are like I was at the beginning of this week and you just need a do-over. Let me encourage you that you are never so far from God that He cannot reach down and pull you up. I pray you will ask Him for a holy do-over and I know I will continue to praise Him for mine.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Another issue that I have left out is my sweet Maw-Maw, she is 92, suffers from tongue and jaw cancer and is going down hill very quickly. My heart is broken over the thought of losing her, I know she has lived a full life and loves the Lord but, she is my very last grandparent and it has been hard.
This past weekend we had a big scare with her and are now having to make some hard decisions - life just never seems to get easier. It was a hard weekend on many levels and I came home overwhelmed, upset and angry. On Sunday evening I was beginning to feel a deep caesium between myself and the Lord.
I am sharing these things because I want to be completely honest about my walk with my God- it is not perfect, not even close. I am always learning and praying for the Lord to keep removing the "warts" of this world from my heart.
Monday morning I found it hard to pray and I stayed away from my time in the Word, a time that I treasure each day and I encourage everyone to give daily Bible time to God. But I just could not focus on the things of God, my focus was only inward at this time. I was only thinking of the weekend I had just experienced and my body that is worn and weak from over 8 weeks of non stop seizures. Tuesday and Wednesday were about the same, only now I was having that agonizing emptiness from missing my Best Friend for three days. If you have ever been there, you know what I mean.
Today I got up and prayed, prayed hard. I told the Lord that I thought I needed a do-over for the week. Just to start over with a clean heart that has not been hard or sinful towards my Lord. And God, being God, reminded me that He was in the business of do-overs.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Praise God!! I am so thankful to know the God of do-overs as my Lord and Savior. I certainly did not deserve forgiveness but how blessed I am that God does not have human thinking.
My heart feels whole again and I feel close to the Lord - no more deep void between us, that I created, by the way. I am still heart broken over my grandma and I am certainly still having too many seizures to count but now I am in right relationship with the One Who can give me the peace and strength to face it all. The grace and love of God amazes me and I am so unworthy - thank you Lord.
I don't know where you are today, maybe you are walking strongly with your God and I pray that is the case. But maybe you are like I was at the beginning of this week and you just need a do-over. Let me encourage you that you are never so far from God that He cannot reach down and pull you up. I pray you will ask Him for a holy do-over and I know I will continue to praise Him for mine.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Saturday, April 3, 2010
He Paid it ALL...
I have been reflecting this week on the death and Resurrection of Christ. I have been blessed to dig into the Gospel accounts of this amazing time. It still grabs my heart, even after being a Born Again believer for 27 years now - it makes me stop and bow my heart and life before the Lord and thank Him once again for giving His life so that I could live in eternity with Him. Who am I to deserve such riches? I am a sinner who is unworthy in every way. I am overwhelmed by the love that my Savior has for us all.
Just stop a minute and think of the person who means the most to you in this life, even if this is the most precious, amazing creature on this planet, would he/she die a brutal, horrific death so that you could live? Only God can do such a miraculous thing and I am more than thankful He did! There is nothing like the love and grace of Jesus and as my Pastor put it last week, it was kind of like a "holy swap" - the way Jesus laid His life down so that we all could live in Him.
So, this Easter Sunday as we all go to the House of the Lord to celebrate our wonderful Savior, meditate on what He has done for you and praise Him just a little louder, for He is most worthy!
If you are still wondering about this Jesus and if the Christian walk is worth it - let me tell you most assuredly, it will be the greatest decision you have ever made. It is also the easiest thing to do - just like learning you ABC's.
A: Admit that you are a sinner. "There is no one righteous, not even one... for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3: 10, 23
Ask God's Forgiveness. "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Romans 10:13
B: Believe in Jesus. Put your trust in Him as your only hope for Salvation. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16
Become a child of God by receiving Christ. "To all who receive Him, to those who believe in His name, He gave the right to be called the children of God." John 1:12
C: Confess that Jesus is your Lord. "If you confess with your mouth, that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9
I pray that you have a most blessed Easter and remember that He is Risen, indeed!!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Just stop a minute and think of the person who means the most to you in this life, even if this is the most precious, amazing creature on this planet, would he/she die a brutal, horrific death so that you could live? Only God can do such a miraculous thing and I am more than thankful He did! There is nothing like the love and grace of Jesus and as my Pastor put it last week, it was kind of like a "holy swap" - the way Jesus laid His life down so that we all could live in Him.
So, this Easter Sunday as we all go to the House of the Lord to celebrate our wonderful Savior, meditate on what He has done for you and praise Him just a little louder, for He is most worthy!
If you are still wondering about this Jesus and if the Christian walk is worth it - let me tell you most assuredly, it will be the greatest decision you have ever made. It is also the easiest thing to do - just like learning you ABC's.
A: Admit that you are a sinner. "There is no one righteous, not even one... for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3: 10, 23
Ask God's Forgiveness. "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Romans 10:13
B: Believe in Jesus. Put your trust in Him as your only hope for Salvation. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16
Become a child of God by receiving Christ. "To all who receive Him, to those who believe in His name, He gave the right to be called the children of God." John 1:12
C: Confess that Jesus is your Lord. "If you confess with your mouth, that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9
I pray that you have a most blessed Easter and remember that He is Risen, indeed!!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Friday, March 26, 2010
A Year in the Life
Yesterday I celebrated an Anniversary. One year of using my wheelchair full time, it has been a year of learning, growth and grace. It has not been the easiest thing for me but it has been one more thing that has shown me more of Jesus - and more of who I am because of Him.
Last year on March 25th I mourned the loss of mobility and wept almost the entire day. I stayed in God's Word and allowed Him to console my wounded heart. He gave me 2 Scriptures that soothed my soul and allowed me to feel His presence and power all day.
"...weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Such truth in this verse, I did weep, for what felt like an eternity. But God, so true to His Word has allowed me to experience such joy, even in the midst of suffering. Only God can do that and I am so thankful. The joy I have now is something I can't really define - it is just a God thing all the way around. There is just nothing quite like knowing that God, my Creator, my King is using my life to glorify Him. It is easy for me to rejoice because I know that God is working in me an exceeding and eternal weight of glory and giving me His perspective on the hard things of life - what a blessing and I never take it lightly, I am always overwhelmed by it. Last year I cried, I cried out to my God and He responded by giving me Psalm 30:5 - I wrote the verse on a tissue used that day for drying my tears and it now resides in my Bible. Every time I see the tissue, I think back on that day and remember the faithfulness of God and that joy now DOES indeed come each morning.
Last March 25th my heart was aching with an intense hurt that comes with loss, a chapter that is closing and the very end of the way things have always been. That day I was preparing to go to Wednesday night services at church and I was dreading that first time in public in my chair. God led me to Deuteronomy 31:8 -
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you or forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."
What an awesome concept - the Lord Himself would go before me, wherever that wheelchair would take me in life my Lord was going first. I am so thankful for this truth and I have hidden this in my heart and drawn from it every time I leave the house - I know that God is walking in front of me preparing the way.
It is still a bitter pill for me to swallow, being in this wheelchair day after day and sometimes I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror or in a window and I can hardly believe it is me. The person in the reflection looks weak and vulnerable in every way and this is not the way I want to think of myself. But then I must stop and reevaluate my heart. God has allowed me to be where I am for a reason and the weak and vulnerable are just who He came to save. I remind myself that God uses my weakness and He is made perfect within it - AMEN! I am so unworthy to be used in such a way but I am so delighted and honored that God has allowed me to experience the unique "dance" of suffering and joy.
So, with a year gone by, I will keep trusting the Lord to remind me of how faithful He is and the next time I catch myself in the mirror, I will smile.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Last year on March 25th I mourned the loss of mobility and wept almost the entire day. I stayed in God's Word and allowed Him to console my wounded heart. He gave me 2 Scriptures that soothed my soul and allowed me to feel His presence and power all day.
"...weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Such truth in this verse, I did weep, for what felt like an eternity. But God, so true to His Word has allowed me to experience such joy, even in the midst of suffering. Only God can do that and I am so thankful. The joy I have now is something I can't really define - it is just a God thing all the way around. There is just nothing quite like knowing that God, my Creator, my King is using my life to glorify Him. It is easy for me to rejoice because I know that God is working in me an exceeding and eternal weight of glory and giving me His perspective on the hard things of life - what a blessing and I never take it lightly, I am always overwhelmed by it. Last year I cried, I cried out to my God and He responded by giving me Psalm 30:5 - I wrote the verse on a tissue used that day for drying my tears and it now resides in my Bible. Every time I see the tissue, I think back on that day and remember the faithfulness of God and that joy now DOES indeed come each morning.
Last March 25th my heart was aching with an intense hurt that comes with loss, a chapter that is closing and the very end of the way things have always been. That day I was preparing to go to Wednesday night services at church and I was dreading that first time in public in my chair. God led me to Deuteronomy 31:8 -
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you or forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."
What an awesome concept - the Lord Himself would go before me, wherever that wheelchair would take me in life my Lord was going first. I am so thankful for this truth and I have hidden this in my heart and drawn from it every time I leave the house - I know that God is walking in front of me preparing the way.
It is still a bitter pill for me to swallow, being in this wheelchair day after day and sometimes I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror or in a window and I can hardly believe it is me. The person in the reflection looks weak and vulnerable in every way and this is not the way I want to think of myself. But then I must stop and reevaluate my heart. God has allowed me to be where I am for a reason and the weak and vulnerable are just who He came to save. I remind myself that God uses my weakness and He is made perfect within it - AMEN! I am so unworthy to be used in such a way but I am so delighted and honored that God has allowed me to experience the unique "dance" of suffering and joy.
So, with a year gone by, I will keep trusting the Lord to remind me of how faithful He is and the next time I catch myself in the mirror, I will smile.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
He is Enough
I have been clinging hard and fast to Psalm 73:26 for the past several months.
"My flesh and heart fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
I am always amazed at the Word of God - it gives you just the right verse for wherever you are in life. For the last few months I have been in a weary place, both mentally and physically. I have not had a seizure free day in 4 weeks and I am drained. My new seizure medication is going well - so far I have not had any adverse reactions and we are beyond thankful. It will be many months before we see a difference seizure wise but for now I am tolerating it. The more time that goes on without any seizure breaks the more exhausted I become - the days have been tough.
But in the midst of seizures and limitations the Lord has once again brought me to His feet and reminded me that, indeed, He is enough. No matter how long and hard the storm rages around me, He is my Shelter, my Keeper, my Refuge and my Strong Tower - He IS enough. I will hold onto that truth each day and when I feel like it is just all too much I will hold tighter.
So many of us journey through the valleys and deep waters of life - we are hurting, numb, and would even sometimes love to give up hope. Please let me encourage you that I know those feelings all too well and when they rush over you like cold water, pray. Pray as you never have before that the God of the Universe would give you strength for one more day, one more hurt. He is able and will make a way - allow Him to be the Comforter and Anchor of your soul and through it all you will be amazed where He takes you and what He reveals to you about yourself and most of all about walking with Him.
This is my plan for the days to come and for the rest of my life - to hold onto Jesus with everything I have, knowing that He is holding me too. I will also run to God's Word daily and let it bathe me in truth. The following verses are some of my favorites, the Lord uses them time and time again to reveal truth and remind me of what is really important, as you read them I pray that the Lord will speak to you as well.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Rejoicing in Much Hope,
Roxanne
"My flesh and heart fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
I am always amazed at the Word of God - it gives you just the right verse for wherever you are in life. For the last few months I have been in a weary place, both mentally and physically. I have not had a seizure free day in 4 weeks and I am drained. My new seizure medication is going well - so far I have not had any adverse reactions and we are beyond thankful. It will be many months before we see a difference seizure wise but for now I am tolerating it. The more time that goes on without any seizure breaks the more exhausted I become - the days have been tough.
But in the midst of seizures and limitations the Lord has once again brought me to His feet and reminded me that, indeed, He is enough. No matter how long and hard the storm rages around me, He is my Shelter, my Keeper, my Refuge and my Strong Tower - He IS enough. I will hold onto that truth each day and when I feel like it is just all too much I will hold tighter.
So many of us journey through the valleys and deep waters of life - we are hurting, numb, and would even sometimes love to give up hope. Please let me encourage you that I know those feelings all too well and when they rush over you like cold water, pray. Pray as you never have before that the God of the Universe would give you strength for one more day, one more hurt. He is able and will make a way - allow Him to be the Comforter and Anchor of your soul and through it all you will be amazed where He takes you and what He reveals to you about yourself and most of all about walking with Him.
This is my plan for the days to come and for the rest of my life - to hold onto Jesus with everything I have, knowing that He is holding me too. I will also run to God's Word daily and let it bathe me in truth. The following verses are some of my favorites, the Lord uses them time and time again to reveal truth and remind me of what is really important, as you read them I pray that the Lord will speak to you as well.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Rejoicing in Much Hope,
Roxanne
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Rest in Peace Layla Grace...
Layla Grace Marsh, the precious little girl who has been fighting Stage 4 Neuroblastoma, went home to be with the Lord early this morning.
I am broken hearted for this wonderful family and I will continue to lift them before the Father - I will ask you to do the same. Our God is mighty and I am trusting Him alone to carry them through the days and months to come, providing them with the grace, strength and comfort that only He can give.
Rest well, sweet Layla, you have fought the good fight and now you are forever healed, in the arms of The Great I Am.
Heart broken but still Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body." Philippians 3:20-21
I am broken hearted for this wonderful family and I will continue to lift them before the Father - I will ask you to do the same. Our God is mighty and I am trusting Him alone to carry them through the days and months to come, providing them with the grace, strength and comfort that only He can give.
Rest well, sweet Layla, you have fought the good fight and now you are forever healed, in the arms of The Great I Am.
Heart broken but still Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body." Philippians 3:20-21
Friday, March 5, 2010
Good News and Being Held...
My visit to the rheumatologist yesterday morning went well and the news was good. I do not have RA, Lupus or Scleraderma. Praise God - we are so thankful! I do however have a very, very low Vitamin D level - the normal range is 70-100 and mine is 29. The doctor put me on a very high dose of Vitamin D and hopefully the problem will be corrected from that. Thank the Lord for answered prayer!
These last few weeks have been most difficult for me and I have not had a seizure free day in weeks so I am drained - emotionally and physically. God has been my anchor and the refuge of my soul. I have been very still and known that He is God in these few weeks - sometimes it takes huge events to make us slow down and remember that God is in control. I welcome these times, difficult as they may be, because they remind me Who I am trusting and why.
Please pray for me in the coming weeks as I have started a new seizure medication, in addition to the one I currently take. I never really like starting a new medication because I have such severe reactions to almost every medication I have ever taken. I am praying that I will not react badly to this one, giving it a chance to work. Again, I am being very still at the feet of my Jesus, knowing that He is God.
Today this will be short because I am not feeling that well but I just want us all to remember, especially if you are journeying with me in hardship and trials - God knows your name and loves you so very much. Allow Him to hold you today in whatever valley you find yourself.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2
These last few weeks have been most difficult for me and I have not had a seizure free day in weeks so I am drained - emotionally and physically. God has been my anchor and the refuge of my soul. I have been very still and known that He is God in these few weeks - sometimes it takes huge events to make us slow down and remember that God is in control. I welcome these times, difficult as they may be, because they remind me Who I am trusting and why.
Please pray for me in the coming weeks as I have started a new seizure medication, in addition to the one I currently take. I never really like starting a new medication because I have such severe reactions to almost every medication I have ever taken. I am praying that I will not react badly to this one, giving it a chance to work. Again, I am being very still at the feet of my Jesus, knowing that He is God.
Today this will be short because I am not feeling that well but I just want us all to remember, especially if you are journeying with me in hardship and trials - God knows your name and loves you so very much. Allow Him to hold you today in whatever valley you find yourself.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2
Monday, March 1, 2010
Layla Grace
My heart is heavy and burdened for a precious family here in Houston. They are watching their 2 year old daughter die. Her name is Layla Grace and she is battling Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. I found out about Layla Grace from FaceBook and have been following her for a while now.
This is a family of Christians who love the Lord and who are holding on to Him with everything they have. I have been inspired, blessed and encouraged by their hope - but mostly I have been saddened by the fact that they will lose this little angel in a matter of days. I cannot even begin to imagine their pain - Lord have mercy.
Please pray for the sweet Marsh family who is in such pain right now and will be in even more in the days to come. I am so thankful that they know the Lord and will not grieve in vain - they know that Layla will soon be in the arms of King Jesus. She will be completely healed and able to stand before her God with praise, knowing she fought the good fight.
If you want to know more about them please go to http://laylagrace.org/ and in the meantime, drop to your knees and pray.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
This is a family of Christians who love the Lord and who are holding on to Him with everything they have. I have been inspired, blessed and encouraged by their hope - but mostly I have been saddened by the fact that they will lose this little angel in a matter of days. I cannot even begin to imagine their pain - Lord have mercy.
Please pray for the sweet Marsh family who is in such pain right now and will be in even more in the days to come. I am so thankful that they know the Lord and will not grieve in vain - they know that Layla will soon be in the arms of King Jesus. She will be completely healed and able to stand before her God with praise, knowing she fought the good fight.
If you want to know more about them please go to http://laylagrace.org/ and in the meantime, drop to your knees and pray.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
It is well...
For those of you who read my last post, you know that I am having a tough time dealing with all of the life issues that keep coming my way. You also know that I am waiting on some tests results and I am just plain battle weary from life right now.
The Lord has spoken to me in a pretty powerful way over the past few days and I thought I would share with you - especially those of you who join me in battle weariness and life fatigue.
During my time of Worship this past Sunday I heard the Lord speak very clearly to my heart. "So what will change if it turns out to be Lupus or something else?" This went straight to my soul and I had to ask myself, "What WOULD change?" I will still love, serve and worship King Jesus - I will do my best to glorify Him with my life and bow before Him each day.
The thing that matters most to me - my relationship with the Lord, will not change, if anything I will grow more dependant on Him - and I already know how awesome that is! One of my favorites authors, Jennifer Rothschild has said this,
"It may not be well with my circumstances but, it is well with my soul."
So, I am reminded once again that even in the hardest of times my soul can be calm and rejoice in the fact that my God is holding me so close that I can almost feel the touch of His hand. I am still a little weary from all of the difficulties that disability brings - especially now when things are a little more tough. But mostly I am thankful that God continues to provide me with just what I need - never giving up on telling me how much I need Him. And believe me, if I were Him, I would have given up on ME long ago.
I know my prayer should be that all of these test results come back negative, but, it is not. My prayer is that no matter what happens on March 4th - good, bad or otherwise - that I would learn more about my Savior and come to need Him desperately. That having a God perspective would matter more to me than good test results, seizure free days or walking.
Please do not misunderstand, this is hard and I am not a big fan of any of it, but if it draws me closer to my Jesus, then so be it. God is faithful and I know He is journeying with me. Thank you, my sweet friends that faithfully read, for bringing me before the Father - you will never know this side of Heaven how humbled and honored I am that you take time to pray for me.
So blessed today that it IS well with my soul and praying that is is well with yours!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
The Lord has spoken to me in a pretty powerful way over the past few days and I thought I would share with you - especially those of you who join me in battle weariness and life fatigue.
During my time of Worship this past Sunday I heard the Lord speak very clearly to my heart. "So what will change if it turns out to be Lupus or something else?" This went straight to my soul and I had to ask myself, "What WOULD change?" I will still love, serve and worship King Jesus - I will do my best to glorify Him with my life and bow before Him each day.
The thing that matters most to me - my relationship with the Lord, will not change, if anything I will grow more dependant on Him - and I already know how awesome that is! One of my favorites authors, Jennifer Rothschild has said this,
"It may not be well with my circumstances but, it is well with my soul."
So, I am reminded once again that even in the hardest of times my soul can be calm and rejoice in the fact that my God is holding me so close that I can almost feel the touch of His hand. I am still a little weary from all of the difficulties that disability brings - especially now when things are a little more tough. But mostly I am thankful that God continues to provide me with just what I need - never giving up on telling me how much I need Him. And believe me, if I were Him, I would have given up on ME long ago.
I know my prayer should be that all of these test results come back negative, but, it is not. My prayer is that no matter what happens on March 4th - good, bad or otherwise - that I would learn more about my Savior and come to need Him desperately. That having a God perspective would matter more to me than good test results, seizure free days or walking.
Please do not misunderstand, this is hard and I am not a big fan of any of it, but if it draws me closer to my Jesus, then so be it. God is faithful and I know He is journeying with me. Thank you, my sweet friends that faithfully read, for bringing me before the Father - you will never know this side of Heaven how humbled and honored I am that you take time to pray for me.
So blessed today that it IS well with my soul and praying that is is well with yours!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Friday, February 19, 2010
Battle Weary...
Yesterday I went to see my third rheumatologist to get the bottom of all the pain I am having throughout my body. It was a good visit, we liked the doctor very much. She asked me lots of questions including, "Have you ever been tested for Lupus?" I haven't and she was somewhat concerned it could be that, RA or Schleroderma. We did blood work - 11 tubes of blood, and I will get the results back on March 4th, it takes 2 weeks for the Lupus testing.
I left the appointment feeling a little overwhelmed and in all honesty I was asking this of my God.
"Lord, something else? Isn't it already enough?"
So, as I write this today I must say that I am going through what I like to call "Life Fatigue" - you know what I mean, we all have these times when life just becomes too much. For me, I am tired, worn and just plain ready to be done with this roller coaster ride I have been on for 42 years. My body aches from so much pain and my head is spinning from all the new medications I have started in the last month. Since the middle of January I also found out my Thyroid is low - new pill for that, my Progesterone level is low - new pill for that and my Vitamin D level is very low - 2 new pills for that. And of course, we top it all off with an endless supply of seizures and the medication that goes with that!
I felt that I needed to be very honest with all of my wonderful readers today and let you all know that I am having a tough time. I am human and right now my heart is heavy and, like the title says - I am battle weary.
God has been so good to speak to me over the past few hours and remind me once again that He is God and I am not - am I the only one who forgets that from time to time? I have heard Him say to me several times in the last few hours -
"I will not leave you or forsake you. I am your God and I will go before you, My grace is sufficient."
I am always thankful when the Lord speaks to me. He reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him. I can and will rejoice in the hope that I have in the Lord - even when it is tough to do so.
So, for the next 2 weeks I will wait... and pray. I will rest in my Jesus, who holds my very overwhelmed heart in His mighty Hand. I will also trust that the outcome of all of this will draw me closer to Him and bring Him glory. And lastly, I will be still and know that He is God.
Thank you all for waiting and praying with me.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
I left the appointment feeling a little overwhelmed and in all honesty I was asking this of my God.
"Lord, something else? Isn't it already enough?"
So, as I write this today I must say that I am going through what I like to call "Life Fatigue" - you know what I mean, we all have these times when life just becomes too much. For me, I am tired, worn and just plain ready to be done with this roller coaster ride I have been on for 42 years. My body aches from so much pain and my head is spinning from all the new medications I have started in the last month. Since the middle of January I also found out my Thyroid is low - new pill for that, my Progesterone level is low - new pill for that and my Vitamin D level is very low - 2 new pills for that. And of course, we top it all off with an endless supply of seizures and the medication that goes with that!
I felt that I needed to be very honest with all of my wonderful readers today and let you all know that I am having a tough time. I am human and right now my heart is heavy and, like the title says - I am battle weary.
God has been so good to speak to me over the past few hours and remind me once again that He is God and I am not - am I the only one who forgets that from time to time? I have heard Him say to me several times in the last few hours -
"I will not leave you or forsake you. I am your God and I will go before you, My grace is sufficient."
I am always thankful when the Lord speaks to me. He reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him. I can and will rejoice in the hope that I have in the Lord - even when it is tough to do so.
So, for the next 2 weeks I will wait... and pray. I will rest in my Jesus, who holds my very overwhelmed heart in His mighty Hand. I will also trust that the outcome of all of this will draw me closer to Him and bring Him glory. And lastly, I will be still and know that He is God.
Thank you all for waiting and praying with me.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Never the Same
Over the years I have had lots of questions about my first seizure. When was it? How old was I? Where was I? So, today I have decided to share the experience that has changed me forever...
On July 21, 1985 my life was altered in a matter of minutes. The day started out like any other, it was a Sunday and I was getting ready for church. Stephen and I had been dating all of 6 months - we were so young, 17 and about to be Seniors in High School. We had been visiting my aunt's church and that is where we were on this particular morning.
I had on my new blue and grey checked dress and was looking particularly cute, if I do say so myself. Stephen and I were attending the Youth service in this church and in a matter of seconds I began to feel something I had never felt before, but, would come to experience many, many times in my life.
My left hand began to tingle with very sharp intensity. And I started hearing the voices around me sound like they were miles off. I fell over onto Stephen's lap and before we knew it I was unconscious and seizing. That is all I remember but, later I was told I had a grand mal seizure - whatever that meant...
My memories from this day are choppy and unclear. The next thing I remember is Stephen and someone from the church driving me home. Stephen had already called my parents who were going to spend the day with my aunt and uncle on Lake Conroe. Stephen was able to reach them just before they left - God was working even when we didn't know it.
My mother came running out to the car with a look of panic and fear that I have never seen (even to this day) on her face. I can still see her wearing a white house dress with red piping around the edges. "What happened? What happened?" were the only things she and Daddy could manage to say. Before I knew it we were on the way to Texas Children's Hospital and there I would stay for the next 11 days. I had every test you can imagine to try to determine the cause of the seizure and what was going on with me.
Terrified did not even begin to describe the way I felt - the way we all felt. I had no idea what had just happened to me and I sure did not want it to ever happen again. I had never seen a seizure in my life and knew nothing about this very foreign word that was being thrown around for the next 11 days.
Epilepsy.
We knew very little at this time but the doctors had decided that the seizure was probably caused due to the brain condition I was born with. All I knew was I spent every minute trying to forget the whole thing - I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to focus on anything but seizures. I was very quickly put on a seizure medication to prevent further episodes - as we all know now that did not work and has been an uphill battle for going on 25 years. But at the time, we were just learning.
We learned a lot about seizures those two weeks in the hospital. The one I had was a tonic clonic or grand mal seizure - these are the big seizures where you loose consciousness and your body becomes very stiff and rigid with lots of shaking and jerking. I have had many hundreds of these types of seizures to date and they are still the scariest.
My life has never been the same...
Yes, seizures and physical challenges have been the brunt of the changes in my life over the past almost 25 years. Medications - too many to count, reactions from those same medications, injuries, hospital stays, limitations, and finally the wheelchair. But there is another reason - the main reason that I have never been the same. It is my God who has walked with me and carried me through all the hurt, pain and loss.
The disabilities I struggle with every day have driven me to the Cross of Christ more times than I can count and for this I am eternally grateful. My Jesus has been my Rock, fortress, refuge and strength through it all. I could have never survived one day without Him.
It has taken me a long, long time to be able to say this but I am so thankful for that day in July so many years ago. I would not trade it or give it back or even try to pray it away. God has used all of the tough times to draw me unto Him, to reveal more of Himself to me and to make me more like Him - I still have a long way to go on that last one but, I am, at least on my way.
One of my very favorite people and heroes in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada, has said, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." I believe that is one the most most profound and true statements that I have ever heard. God allows suffering to show more of who He is and draw us closer to Him. It is a tough concept, I know. But I know from 42 years of physical hardship and leaning on the God of the Universe - it is true.
And through of all of this, I am so thankful to never be the same - I am forever blessed!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"I will praise You, O Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2
On July 21, 1985 my life was altered in a matter of minutes. The day started out like any other, it was a Sunday and I was getting ready for church. Stephen and I had been dating all of 6 months - we were so young, 17 and about to be Seniors in High School. We had been visiting my aunt's church and that is where we were on this particular morning.
I had on my new blue and grey checked dress and was looking particularly cute, if I do say so myself. Stephen and I were attending the Youth service in this church and in a matter of seconds I began to feel something I had never felt before, but, would come to experience many, many times in my life.
My left hand began to tingle with very sharp intensity. And I started hearing the voices around me sound like they were miles off. I fell over onto Stephen's lap and before we knew it I was unconscious and seizing. That is all I remember but, later I was told I had a grand mal seizure - whatever that meant...
My memories from this day are choppy and unclear. The next thing I remember is Stephen and someone from the church driving me home. Stephen had already called my parents who were going to spend the day with my aunt and uncle on Lake Conroe. Stephen was able to reach them just before they left - God was working even when we didn't know it.
My mother came running out to the car with a look of panic and fear that I have never seen (even to this day) on her face. I can still see her wearing a white house dress with red piping around the edges. "What happened? What happened?" were the only things she and Daddy could manage to say. Before I knew it we were on the way to Texas Children's Hospital and there I would stay for the next 11 days. I had every test you can imagine to try to determine the cause of the seizure and what was going on with me.
Terrified did not even begin to describe the way I felt - the way we all felt. I had no idea what had just happened to me and I sure did not want it to ever happen again. I had never seen a seizure in my life and knew nothing about this very foreign word that was being thrown around for the next 11 days.
Epilepsy.
We knew very little at this time but the doctors had decided that the seizure was probably caused due to the brain condition I was born with. All I knew was I spent every minute trying to forget the whole thing - I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to focus on anything but seizures. I was very quickly put on a seizure medication to prevent further episodes - as we all know now that did not work and has been an uphill battle for going on 25 years. But at the time, we were just learning.
We learned a lot about seizures those two weeks in the hospital. The one I had was a tonic clonic or grand mal seizure - these are the big seizures where you loose consciousness and your body becomes very stiff and rigid with lots of shaking and jerking. I have had many hundreds of these types of seizures to date and they are still the scariest.
My life has never been the same...
Yes, seizures and physical challenges have been the brunt of the changes in my life over the past almost 25 years. Medications - too many to count, reactions from those same medications, injuries, hospital stays, limitations, and finally the wheelchair. But there is another reason - the main reason that I have never been the same. It is my God who has walked with me and carried me through all the hurt, pain and loss.
The disabilities I struggle with every day have driven me to the Cross of Christ more times than I can count and for this I am eternally grateful. My Jesus has been my Rock, fortress, refuge and strength through it all. I could have never survived one day without Him.
It has taken me a long, long time to be able to say this but I am so thankful for that day in July so many years ago. I would not trade it or give it back or even try to pray it away. God has used all of the tough times to draw me unto Him, to reveal more of Himself to me and to make me more like Him - I still have a long way to go on that last one but, I am, at least on my way.
One of my very favorite people and heroes in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada, has said, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." I believe that is one the most most profound and true statements that I have ever heard. God allows suffering to show more of who He is and draw us closer to Him. It is a tough concept, I know. But I know from 42 years of physical hardship and leaning on the God of the Universe - it is true.
And through of all of this, I am so thankful to never be the same - I am forever blessed!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"I will praise You, O Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hope is a good thing...
Hope is one of those words you hear all the time, it has become so commonplace in our day.
I hope you have a good day...
We are hoping against hope...
I hope you feel better soon...
It is almost as if we are using the word hope as our very own wishing well. Just sort of throwing it out there like throwing pennies into a fountain. And if we say it enough - we just might get our wish... or hope as it were.
As a believer in the Lord Jesus, I am so very thankful to know that my hope is not some wish made on a prayer or something that is impersonal and cold. My hope (and yours too, if you know the Lord) is not a thing at all. Our hope is a Person - the person of Jesus.
He is real, tangible, living and wants us to know more than anything that He alone is our HOPE.
I know for me, especially on weeks like this one when I have been sick, had more seizures than I can count and been in great amounts of pain from arthritis, for me to be able to reach out and call on my Savior who died for me so that I could have hope - it is the greatest comfort.
This week 3 precious friends of mine have lost loved ones and it has been very tough on them and their families. Death is always so hard and so final. I am praying for these sweet friends and trusting the Lord to heal their broken hearts. But in all of the grief I know that there is much HOPE. Hope that they will see their beloved one again and hope that they are now resting in the arms of the One who loves them more than they will ever know. They are holding on to the fact that hope is indeed a good thing...
One of my favorite quotes is from the movie, The Shawshank Redemption...
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies, so get busy living or get busy dying."
As a person with disabilities this speaks volumes to me. First, it says that my hope, my faith, my trust, my belief needs to be sure and steady. And not in myself, my wheelchair, my doctor or even my sweet husband that I love so much - my hope must be eternal, everlasting and unshakable. My hope must be in Christ alone.
Second, it reminds me that hope is precious, a good thing. That the Lord has given to His children to remind them we always have Him to hold on to - the best of things.
Webster's defines hope as: to wish for something with expectation to its fulfillment, to have confidence, trust.
God's Word tells us:
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 As Christ followers, we can be sure of the hope we have in Him with our hearts and not so much with our eyes.
And finally, this quote reminds me that life is so short - something that my sweet friends who have met death face to face this week, know all too well. For me it tells me that I have a choice each day, I can sit and wollow over the things that I cannot do any longer or are far too difficult for me these days or I can rejoice in my God the all sufficient grace that He pours down on me each day - in other words I can get busy living. Although it has taken me a while to get to this place, I choose to do just that - LIVE!
We all have so much to give, no matter where our journey in life takes us or the hills and valleys we encounter along the way. I know for me I want to rejoice in the hope of the Lord and allow God to use me in any way He sees fit. And that, my precious friends, is what He wants for you as well. So today, I encourage you to remember that hope is a good, good thing and let us all get busy living!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
I hope you have a good day...
We are hoping against hope...
I hope you feel better soon...
It is almost as if we are using the word hope as our very own wishing well. Just sort of throwing it out there like throwing pennies into a fountain. And if we say it enough - we just might get our wish... or hope as it were.
As a believer in the Lord Jesus, I am so very thankful to know that my hope is not some wish made on a prayer or something that is impersonal and cold. My hope (and yours too, if you know the Lord) is not a thing at all. Our hope is a Person - the person of Jesus.
He is real, tangible, living and wants us to know more than anything that He alone is our HOPE.
I know for me, especially on weeks like this one when I have been sick, had more seizures than I can count and been in great amounts of pain from arthritis, for me to be able to reach out and call on my Savior who died for me so that I could have hope - it is the greatest comfort.
This week 3 precious friends of mine have lost loved ones and it has been very tough on them and their families. Death is always so hard and so final. I am praying for these sweet friends and trusting the Lord to heal their broken hearts. But in all of the grief I know that there is much HOPE. Hope that they will see their beloved one again and hope that they are now resting in the arms of the One who loves them more than they will ever know. They are holding on to the fact that hope is indeed a good thing...
One of my favorite quotes is from the movie, The Shawshank Redemption...
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies, so get busy living or get busy dying."
As a person with disabilities this speaks volumes to me. First, it says that my hope, my faith, my trust, my belief needs to be sure and steady. And not in myself, my wheelchair, my doctor or even my sweet husband that I love so much - my hope must be eternal, everlasting and unshakable. My hope must be in Christ alone.
Second, it reminds me that hope is precious, a good thing. That the Lord has given to His children to remind them we always have Him to hold on to - the best of things.
Webster's defines hope as: to wish for something with expectation to its fulfillment, to have confidence, trust.
God's Word tells us:
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 As Christ followers, we can be sure of the hope we have in Him with our hearts and not so much with our eyes.
And finally, this quote reminds me that life is so short - something that my sweet friends who have met death face to face this week, know all too well. For me it tells me that I have a choice each day, I can sit and wollow over the things that I cannot do any longer or are far too difficult for me these days or I can rejoice in my God the all sufficient grace that He pours down on me each day - in other words I can get busy living. Although it has taken me a while to get to this place, I choose to do just that - LIVE!
We all have so much to give, no matter where our journey in life takes us or the hills and valleys we encounter along the way. I know for me I want to rejoice in the hope of the Lord and allow God to use me in any way He sees fit. And that, my precious friends, is what He wants for you as well. So today, I encourage you to remember that hope is a good, good thing and let us all get busy living!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
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