For the past 25 years I have had numerous dance partners, mind you they have all been the different types of seizure medications that I have tried and tried again in hopes of finding one to control the many seizures that plague me almost daily. When one doesn't work we move on down the line to the next one - just like
the "Stag" line in the dances they have on the Andy Griffith Show.
Trying medication is hard, one of the hardest things I have to do and the novelty wore off a long time ago for me. There are so many wonderful friends that I have that get so excited for me each time I try a new med (or re-try as the case may be) and I love them for their enthusiasm but it is truly something after all these years that I have come to dislike greatly.
Each time I try something new, I have a litany of things going through my mind:
What are the side effects? I am sensitive to EVERY medication that has ever been made, what will the reaction be? Nausea, Toxicity, rash, something else... Will I be able to get past the side effects to even see if there is a chance this will work?...
"Don't get your hopes up... It is only medication, I know my true hope is in the Lord. We have been down this road before..."
"It is working, I have had a few seizure free weeks... could this be it?"
"It is not working at all... one more time, one more medicine? Will anything ever help?"
It is really hard not to get my hopes up when I try something new (or again) but I am training myself to just give it to the Lord and stay content where I am - no matter where that may be. God has been teaching me to be content in my physical circumstances - I am a slow learner but I am growing.
I have been doing the "medicine dance" for about 8 months now with 2 different meds and it is safe to say they have not been good dance partners at all. This has been such a hard year but I am clinging to the Lord and trusting Him to provide me with wisdom and cover me with grace - He always does His part.
For the past five months I have given more than a fair chance to the Zonegran I am trying for the second time. Nausea and toxicity have been close friends (or should I say enemies) of mine!I have tried to increase this med three times over the five months with no success and frustration and heartbreak don't begin to cover it at this point - my emotions are raw and I am worn and weary from feeling so crummy all the time.
Stephen and I have decided to give this medication one last try, so, on Sept. 20th I will try to increase once again. If I react negativity I will stop it for good and find another med for me to try - another dance partner, maybe this one will be the one to make it all the way around the floor! I am hopeful.
I covet your prayers for me at this time, please know it means everything to me to know you are praying. I know that the Lord sees the BIG picture here including what I am unable to see. I give it all to Him - even the hurt, disappointment and bad days. He is God and I know He is in control. I will continue to praise Him and give Him glory in all things for He is my hope!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5
