Today marks the second anniversary in my wheelchair full time. I will never forget two years ago siting at my kitchen table, Bible open and tears streaming down, thinking this was just so much more than I could handle. And I was right. Every day since then has been a surrendering that has led me right to the foot of the Cross and Jesus has carried me all the way.
Some days are still hard, I think that may always be the case - life in a wheelchair is never easy. But God continues to listen as I pray and my two biggest prayer requests over the last two years have been that I am kept safe - and Glory to God I have had fewer falls in these last couple of years and we are all so thankful for that. My next prayer request is that the Lord would enable me to embrace this new normal.
It has been difficult and I must say, I have fought the Lord from time to time, but He has been faithful to help me not just embrace life in a wheelchair, but to also be thankful for it.
That's right, you heard it here first - I am very thankful for this chair. It has allowed me to depend on my Lord in so many ways, it has made me more compassionate, it has challenged my faith and it has helped me to see that our sufferings are tools in which the Lord uses to make us more like Him. These things are forever written on my heart and I have daily seizures and a chair with wheels to thank for it.
The Lord has amazed me at how He has used my seizures and this wheelchair to bring glory to Him as well as reach out to hurting people around me - that, I have to say it my greatest joy. I am honored to pray for those who suffer, to be a witness to the grace and faithfulness of my God. It has allowed me to become so very small so that He can become so very big - if this is what it takes, count me in, I am all the more blessed.
So, today as I sit at my kitchen table with my Bible open, there are no tears, just the joy of Jesus because I am right where I need to be - thank You Lord!
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us." Romans 8:37
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Here I am ... Again
The first week of my next medication has been interesting, to say the least. The first day proved to be a challenge right from the start. The side effects rushed in at tidal wave force; dizziness, nausea and "jitters" that made my insides feel like they were shaking out of control. My doctor suggested that I reduce the dose and that is I have done. It has helped and I am feeling better.
So, here I am again, waiting. Waiting to see if I will tolerate it or not. I have been in this place so many times that I have lost count. It is never easy and I don't think I will ever get used to it. It is a lot like waiting at the starting line of a race. You know the gun is supposed to go off but but there is a problem - so you wait. That is where I am now; waiting for something to happen with no sound of the gun in sight.
I would not be truthful if I said I was not discouraged and I always want to be truthful in this amazing place God has given me to share my life and feelings. I never want anyone to think that I don't have bad days and I always have a song in my heart over the suffering in my life. That would be very far from the truth - the fact is every day is hard. But I have learned that our days are made up of choices and I have chosen to praise God in my trials - that is where my heart is, giving Him the glory and honor, and I will fight to honor my God in everything that comes my way - even if the circumstances are not my favorites.
So, I am discouraged. It is tough to go through medicine after medicine with no results and even more than that, it is tough to never see the results that might be because of the side effects that seem to plague me at every turn. But even in my discouragement, I will wait on the Lord because I know He is working and my suffering is teaching me great things.
There may never be a medication that controls my seizures or one that I take without side effects. I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life. But there is a God and He knows my name (and yours too) and His purpose is far greater than any healing or medicine could ever be.
So, I will wait on His timing and not my own. I will wait for the Lord to teach me all He thinks I need to know. And I will trust Him more and more through the process. And maybe, just maybe, I will hear the sound of that starter gun very soon - but if not that is okay too.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
So, here I am again, waiting. Waiting to see if I will tolerate it or not. I have been in this place so many times that I have lost count. It is never easy and I don't think I will ever get used to it. It is a lot like waiting at the starting line of a race. You know the gun is supposed to go off but but there is a problem - so you wait. That is where I am now; waiting for something to happen with no sound of the gun in sight.
I would not be truthful if I said I was not discouraged and I always want to be truthful in this amazing place God has given me to share my life and feelings. I never want anyone to think that I don't have bad days and I always have a song in my heart over the suffering in my life. That would be very far from the truth - the fact is every day is hard. But I have learned that our days are made up of choices and I have chosen to praise God in my trials - that is where my heart is, giving Him the glory and honor, and I will fight to honor my God in everything that comes my way - even if the circumstances are not my favorites.
So, I am discouraged. It is tough to go through medicine after medicine with no results and even more than that, it is tough to never see the results that might be because of the side effects that seem to plague me at every turn. But even in my discouragement, I will wait on the Lord because I know He is working and my suffering is teaching me great things.
There may never be a medication that controls my seizures or one that I take without side effects. I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life. But there is a God and He knows my name (and yours too) and His purpose is far greater than any healing or medicine could ever be.
So, I will wait on His timing and not my own. I will wait for the Lord to teach me all He thinks I need to know. And I will trust Him more and more through the process. And maybe, just maybe, I will hear the sound of that starter gun very soon - but if not that is okay too.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
"But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The Next Chapter
As of Monday I will be starting a new chapter of my journey with epilepsy. I will start another medicine along with the Tegretol I am currently taking. I have taken this one before - I have been on them all. We are re-visiting all my old meds with hopes that trying them for the second (or third) time may yield good results.
I have to admit I am a little nervous about this one. It is called Felbatol and it has many risks and severe side effects that I remember well from the last time I took it. The pharmacy even has to special order it because they do not carry it - not enough people taking it. There has been a small percent of people who have died from taking Felbatol and although it is rare, it is still a little nerve wracking knowing you are taking a drug that has killed some people.
Some of the other side effects of the drug are: extreme insomnia, appetite loss in a big, big way, vomiting, and blood toxicity. Believe it or not I am leaving out the really bad ones. The last time I was on this (about 10 years ago) I had a horrible time. I have vivid memories of not sleeping for 2 or 3 days at a time and lots of vomiting. Felbatol is a last resort kind of drug and is only given to those who have severe epilepsy. I was willing to try it again for two reasons. One being if I am willing to try others that have negative side effects, I must also be willing to try this. And two,we are desperate for something to work. Right now I have between 80-100 seizures a month - sometimes more. That is just too many and we want to keep trying to see if something will finally work.
So once again, here I am, standing at the crossroads of yet another medicine. On one hand I am very thankful to have something else to try - risks and all. On the other hand I must gear up for what is ahead, very extreme side effects and being hopeful without expectation. That is a lot like walking on a tightrope.
Praise God I am not walking alone. I am safe in the Arms of King Jesus, knowing that He is sovereign and always one step ahead of me. I take such comfort in that fact and I thank God for reminding me of His presence from moment to moment. I am standing on two Scriptures as I face this next chapter:
"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
AND...
"And the angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, The Lord is with you mighty warrior." Judges 6:12
I want to take this time to be very still before my God so that He may teach me and lead me in His way and not my own. I pray with each passing day I will grow more invisible so that He alone may shine. I have also realized over the last year, I am in a war. I don't just mean a war for my health but a war in how I might respond when things aren't the best or how I think they should be. And a war to allow Jesus to be seen in me even on my worst days. So, I am blessed to know that through the power of the Lord I can be a mighty warrior and shine for Him, especially in the dark times.
The big fight begins on Monday and I covet your prayers for me. I have left out quite a few things about this drug as not to dwell on them. I am praying for strength and asking you to do the same. God is so good to me and has given me an incredibly strong support system - I know I will be using them a lot in the coming days.
This is one of my favorite quotes from Hannah Witall Smith,
"No action can touch us except with the Father's knowledge and by His permission... by the time it reaches us it has become His will for us, and must be accepted as directly from His hands."
Such truth. I will focus on that in the coming weeks and months.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
I have to admit I am a little nervous about this one. It is called Felbatol and it has many risks and severe side effects that I remember well from the last time I took it. The pharmacy even has to special order it because they do not carry it - not enough people taking it. There has been a small percent of people who have died from taking Felbatol and although it is rare, it is still a little nerve wracking knowing you are taking a drug that has killed some people.
Some of the other side effects of the drug are: extreme insomnia, appetite loss in a big, big way, vomiting, and blood toxicity. Believe it or not I am leaving out the really bad ones. The last time I was on this (about 10 years ago) I had a horrible time. I have vivid memories of not sleeping for 2 or 3 days at a time and lots of vomiting. Felbatol is a last resort kind of drug and is only given to those who have severe epilepsy. I was willing to try it again for two reasons. One being if I am willing to try others that have negative side effects, I must also be willing to try this. And two,we are desperate for something to work. Right now I have between 80-100 seizures a month - sometimes more. That is just too many and we want to keep trying to see if something will finally work.
So once again, here I am, standing at the crossroads of yet another medicine. On one hand I am very thankful to have something else to try - risks and all. On the other hand I must gear up for what is ahead, very extreme side effects and being hopeful without expectation. That is a lot like walking on a tightrope.
Praise God I am not walking alone. I am safe in the Arms of King Jesus, knowing that He is sovereign and always one step ahead of me. I take such comfort in that fact and I thank God for reminding me of His presence from moment to moment. I am standing on two Scriptures as I face this next chapter:
"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
AND...
"And the angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, The Lord is with you mighty warrior." Judges 6:12
I want to take this time to be very still before my God so that He may teach me and lead me in His way and not my own. I pray with each passing day I will grow more invisible so that He alone may shine. I have also realized over the last year, I am in a war. I don't just mean a war for my health but a war in how I might respond when things aren't the best or how I think they should be. And a war to allow Jesus to be seen in me even on my worst days. So, I am blessed to know that through the power of the Lord I can be a mighty warrior and shine for Him, especially in the dark times.
The big fight begins on Monday and I covet your prayers for me. I have left out quite a few things about this drug as not to dwell on them. I am praying for strength and asking you to do the same. God is so good to me and has given me an incredibly strong support system - I know I will be using them a lot in the coming days.
This is one of my favorite quotes from Hannah Witall Smith,
"No action can touch us except with the Father's knowledge and by His permission... by the time it reaches us it has become His will for us, and must be accepted as directly from His hands."
Such truth. I will focus on that in the coming weeks and months.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
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