Here I am ... Again

The first week of my next medication has been interesting, to say the least. The first day proved to be a challenge right from the start. The side effects rushed in at tidal wave force; dizziness, nausea and "jitters" that made my insides feel like they were shaking out of control. My doctor suggested that I reduce the dose and that is I have done. It has helped and I am feeling better.

So, here I am again, waiting. Waiting to see if I will tolerate it or not. I have been in this place so many times that I have lost count. It is never easy and I don't think I will ever get used to it. It is a lot like waiting at the starting line of a race. You know the gun is supposed to go off but but there is a problem - so you wait. That is where I am now; waiting for something to happen with no sound of the gun in sight.

I would not be truthful if I said I was not discouraged and I always want to be truthful in this amazing place God has given me to share my life and feelings. I never want anyone to think that I don't have bad days and I always have a song in my heart over the suffering in my life. That would be very far from the truth - the fact is every day is hard. But I have learned that our days are made up of choices and I have chosen to praise God in my trials - that is where my heart is, giving Him the glory and honor, and I will fight to honor my God in everything that comes my way - even if the circumstances are not my favorites.

So, I am discouraged. It is tough to go through medicine after medicine with no results and even more than that, it is tough to never see the results that might be because of the side effects that seem to plague me at every turn. But even in my discouragement, I will wait on the Lord because I know He is working and my suffering is teaching me great things.

There may never be a medication that controls my seizures or one that I take without side effects. I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life. But there is a God and He knows my name (and yours too) and His purpose is far greater than any healing or medicine could ever be.

So, I will wait on His timing and not my own. I will wait for the Lord to teach me all He thinks I need to know. And I will trust Him more and more through the process. And maybe, just maybe, I will hear the sound of that starter gun very soon - but if not that is okay too.

Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne

"But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31