The Next Chapter

As of Monday I will be starting a new chapter of my journey with epilepsy. I will start another medicine along with the Tegretol I am currently taking. I have taken this one before - I have been on them all. We are re-visiting all my old meds with hopes that trying them for the second (or third) time may yield good results.

I have to admit I am a little nervous about this one. It is called Felbatol and it has many risks and severe side effects that I remember well from the last time I took it. The pharmacy even has to special order it because they do not carry it - not enough people taking it. There has been a small percent of people who have died from taking Felbatol and although it is rare, it is still a little nerve wracking knowing you are taking a drug that has killed some people.

Some of the other side effects of the drug are: extreme insomnia, appetite loss in a big, big way, vomiting, and blood toxicity. Believe it or not I am leaving out the really bad ones. The last time I was on this (about 10 years ago) I had a horrible time. I have vivid memories of not sleeping for 2 or 3 days at a time and lots of vomiting. Felbatol is a last resort kind of drug and is only given to those who have severe epilepsy. I was willing to try it again for two reasons. One being if I am willing to try others that have negative side effects, I must also be willing to try this. And two,we are desperate for something to work. Right now I have between 80-100 seizures a month - sometimes more. That is just too many and we want to keep trying to see if something will finally work.

So once again, here I am, standing at the crossroads of yet another medicine. On one hand I am very thankful to have something else to try - risks and all. On the other hand I must gear up for what is ahead, very extreme side effects and being hopeful without expectation. That is a lot like walking on a tightrope.

Praise God I am not walking alone. I am safe in the Arms of King Jesus, knowing that He is sovereign and always one step ahead of me. I take such comfort in that fact and I thank God for reminding me of His presence from moment to moment. I am standing on two Scriptures as I face this next chapter:

"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

AND...

"And the angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, The Lord is with you mighty warrior." Judges 6:12

I want to take this time to be very still before my God so that He may teach me and lead me in His way and not my own. I pray with each passing day I will grow more invisible so that He alone may shine. I have also realized over the last year, I am in a war. I don't just mean a war for my health but a war in how I might respond when things aren't the best or how I think they should be. And a war to allow Jesus to be seen in me even on my worst days. So, I am blessed to know that through the power of the Lord I can be a mighty warrior and shine for Him, especially in the dark times.

The big fight begins on Monday and I covet your prayers for me. I have left out quite a few things about this drug as not to dwell on them. I am praying for strength and asking you to do the same. God is so good to me and has given me an incredibly strong support system - I know I will be using them a lot in the coming days.

This is one of my favorite quotes from Hannah Witall Smith,

"No action can touch us except with the Father's knowledge and by His permission... by the time it reaches us it has become His will for us, and must be accepted as directly from His hands."

Such truth. I will focus on that in the coming weeks and months.

Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne