Maw-Maw

Yesterday I did something I have been dreading for some time now. I went to my sweet Maw-Maw's funeral and it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
She has been going downhill for over a year now but the last few months have been the worst and over the last couple of weeks we knew she did not have long.

Early Saturday morning Stephen, Josh and I got in the car and drove to Austin where she had been living with my Aunt. I had prepared myself as much as I could, but no one can really be prepared for things like this. She had been moved to a Hospice facility the day before we got there and they had already said she wouldn't make it through the weekend. My heart shattered when I walked in and saw my grandma, who had always been so strong and cooked three meals a day for as long as I can remember, look so weak and like no one I knew at all. With her family surrounding her,she went to be with the Lord at 4:20 Saturday afternoon. We rejoice in the fact that she is not suffering anymore and that she is standing in the presence of Holy God - and as my family has been saying all week, "if there is a kitchen in Heaven, she is already cooking and baking as much as she can."

But I have to admit I am feeling so many other things and this has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember in my life. Memories are flooding my mind and I am so thankful for the rich, Italian history full of tradition in which I was raised. I am blessed to have spent countless summers, and times with Maw-Maw. I will always remember Hershey bars in the refrigerator - she taught me this was the best way to eat them, pancakes on Friday mornings, pasta on Sunday's, trips to Austin with no less than three desserts that she made and every Christmas Eve at her house - that is a memory that will live in my heart forever.

The memories are so sweet but last night after four days of crying and not being able to really control that emotion, I realized I am feeling something else. I am grieving. Maw-maw has died and I feel like part of me has died as well. I have lost other people in my life - even other grandparents. I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard, except that she was my last grandparent and been with me the longest. I feel as though my childhood door has just slammed shut, never to be opened again. Now I know this is a little ridiculous coming from a 42 year old woman but I guess as long as Maw-Maw was living I still had a hold on that childhood.

One thing I have come to realize over the past few days is there is no formula for grief. There is no right or wrong, no appropriate duration. It is what it is... grief. So, I will continue to cry and be heartbroken, and remember Maw-Maw and I will also continue to know that as a Christian, I have hope, even in the midst of deep sorrow.

Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne

25 Years of Grace...

Twenty five years ago today I had my very first seizure. I used to dread July 21st because it meant one more year of a life that I thought I would never have. And there is still some truth to that - I would have never imagined that my life would be as it is today. Seizures almost every day,being on every seizure medicine there is and not getting help from any of them,loss of my independence and mobility, using a wheelchair by the age of 39 - my head just spins thinking about it.

Yes, while all of these things are true and still hard to swallow some days, I know that my Jesus has taught me priceless lessons over the past 25 years that I don't ever think I could put into sufficient words.

The most priceless thing God has taught me (and I think I have finally learned it!) is that there is tremendous spiritual weight and value in suffering. You can learn things during times of crisis, that, if you allow them to (that is the key) they will drive you to the very heart of Almighty God. There is no place like that in the world! I would love to say I am in that place all the time, I am not, but God in His grace continues to love me and lead me back there more and more. As Voddie Baucham says, "Trials enable people to rise above religion to God." Such truth in that - religion is wonderful but only the Living God of the Bible can walk you down the darkest journey you thought you would never see.

So, today as one more year passes for me in this "new normal" I am focusing on all that the Lord has done and will do for me. I am blessed beyond words to be able, after all these many years, to know that I know the suffering I am enduring today is working in me a far exceeding and eternal weight of glory - all of this may be unseen but it is the unseen things that have the most eternal value. I praise God for that.

I will also continue to trust my God, Who is bigger than all of my suffering. He will continue to hold me, shelter me and lead me as I follow Him. I give my Jesus all the praise and glory for every minute, good and bad, of the last 25 years and I praise Him for the next 25, knowing He is in control.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, The Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable, He gives power to the weak. And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

Rejoicing in 25 years of Hope,
Roxanne

Rain

It rained at my house most of last week - a byproduct of the hurricanes in the Gulf. The endless rain was a reminder to me of the mercy and grace that God endlessly pours down over all of us each day - like a gentle shower.

God is so good to continue to give just what we need. A lot like a good rain. The mercy and grace that comes from the Lord just pours over our souls and whets our hearts, it draws us closer to Him and helps us to see the Living God as Provider, Keeper, Maker and Healer of all that we are.

This is where I have been lately, being so sick from the nausea and side effects of my latest seizure medicine. I have felt the grace and mercy of Almighty God not only holding me but pouring over my heart and telling me over and over again, "My grace is sufficient for you and My power is made perfect in your weakness." (Paraphrased from 2 Cor. 12:9-10)

So, as just about everyone has gotten sick of the rain over the past week, I have enjoyed to sit, watch and allow the Lord to speak to me through splashing water on my windows - He is so good!

I have had a lot of seizures this past week and I am still battling this nausea. I am more than thankful for all of my wonderful Prayer Warriors - you mean everything to me, God Bless You! I am resting in the Lord knowing He is my strength and the Anchor of my soul.

Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne