Yesterday I did something I have been dreading for some time now. I went to my sweet Maw-Maw's funeral and it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
She has been going downhill for over a year now but the last few months have been the worst and over the last couple of weeks we knew she did not have long.
Early Saturday morning Stephen, Josh and I got in the car and drove to Austin where she had been living with my Aunt. I had prepared myself as much as I could, but no one can really be prepared for things like this. She had been moved to a Hospice facility the day before we got there and they had already said she wouldn't make it through the weekend. My heart shattered when I walked in and saw my grandma, who had always been so strong and cooked three meals a day for as long as I can remember, look so weak and like no one I knew at all. With her family surrounding her,she went to be with the Lord at 4:20 Saturday afternoon. We rejoice in the fact that she is not suffering anymore and that she is standing in the presence of Holy God - and as my family has been saying all week, "if there is a kitchen in Heaven, she is already cooking and baking as much as she can."
But I have to admit I am feeling so many other things and this has been one of the most difficult weeks I can remember in my life. Memories are flooding my mind and I am so thankful for the rich, Italian history full of tradition in which I was raised. I am blessed to have spent countless summers, and times with Maw-Maw. I will always remember Hershey bars in the refrigerator - she taught me this was the best way to eat them, pancakes on Friday mornings, pasta on Sunday's, trips to Austin with no less than three desserts that she made and every Christmas Eve at her house - that is a memory that will live in my heart forever.
The memories are so sweet but last night after four days of crying and not being able to really control that emotion, I realized I am feeling something else. I am grieving. Maw-maw has died and I feel like part of me has died as well. I have lost other people in my life - even other grandparents. I'm not exactly sure why this is so hard, except that she was my last grandparent and been with me the longest. I feel as though my childhood door has just slammed shut, never to be opened again. Now I know this is a little ridiculous coming from a 42 year old woman but I guess as long as Maw-Maw was living I still had a hold on that childhood.
One thing I have come to realize over the past few days is there is no formula for grief. There is no right or wrong, no appropriate duration. It is what it is... grief. So, I will continue to cry and be heartbroken, and remember Maw-Maw and I will also continue to know that as a Christian, I have hope, even in the midst of deep sorrow.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
Roxanne, you hit the nail on the head for me. I have been wondering why this has been much more difficult than I thought it would be and you said it! I also feel like Maw Maw was the last link to my childhood. Sounds weird since my parents, sister and the rest of the Sedita family are still with me but that's how I feel.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why driving by her house Thursday on the way to the cemetary hit me so hard. Her house has SO many memories, it was always a place to go for love, comfort, laughs, FOOD and pure joy!!