I know it has been quite some time since I have written - my only excuse is life! We have been very busy and as usual I am still in the daily battle of seizures and limitations.
Over the past several weeks I have found myself in a place I do not like to be, absolutely craving my mobility and freedom. I have been here before and in all probability I will be here again, I am human after all and life is so very hard sometimes.
My situation is a little uniquie in that the only reason I use a wheelchair and never walk or stand alone is becuase I MIGHT have a seizure and injure myself - as we all know that has already happened too many times to count. So, I live with this very frustrating paradox of "what if" - I could stand, walk or take a bath by myself but what if? What if in the blink of an eye I fall and hit my head, cut my face - it has already happened so many times. So learning to live by the "what if" is beyond my ability to describe. It is difficult to say the least.
Right now and for the past several weeks, my emotions have been all over the place and I have already had almost 60 seizures for the month of January. They just keep coming, no matter how many times I think, "this will surely be the last one for today" - another one just pops right up. So, here I am drained, overwhelmed and very battle weary.
Two weeks ago I was taking a bath and fell backwards (from being on my knees) and hit my head on the back of the tub. As always, my wonderful Stephen was there to save me before my face went completely under the water. I really don't have the words to describe how it feels to be talking to your husband one minute and in the next he is standing over you helping you to sit up, most of your hair is soaking wet - and your head hurts. It is like the universe you are living in just moved over a couple of degrees without any notice. These hardships just never seem to get any easier.
I am also, as I already mentioned, craving my independence. Just to stand for a second (with Stephen close by) thrills my heart so much. It is not much but it is what I have and I love to stand up when I can! For those of you who drive, it is probably a lot like that feeling you got the first time you drove alone. Pure exhilaration! I also realize this can be a dangerous place for my mind to go because it takes my focus off of the Lord and trusting Him for all things. This is never where I want to be - as hard as this is every day, I know Who is leading me and holding me every step of the way and I would not trade that for anything.
So, I will press on, trusting my God and clinging only to Him. My prayer and my hope is to never have another seizure as long as I live, to be healed and set free from seizures and this wheelchair. But I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life that I cannot even begin to understand and if that means healing must come later, I am thankful that Jesus is enough for me. I will trust and praise Him all the days of my life - even when I am overwhelmed and oh, so battle weary.
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14
Rejoicing in Hope,