Over the past few weeks I have found myself in a tough spot. Longing, even craving for the freedoms I no longer have due to my physical disabilities. Each time I stand or walk for a brief time, I find myself loving it so much and wanting it to last forever. To be quite honest, I have lost something that I hold very dear - the ability to be content in my circumstances.
For many years now I have been praying very diligently for one thing: to be content and filled with joy no matter what comes my way or how difficult my days might be. I can't tell you how important this is to me - living day to day in the joy and absolute contentment of the God that holds me so tenderly. I can rationalize this all I want, it's been an extremely hard year for me, my circumstances are hard - why not feel bad about it once and a while and a list of a thousand other things. But the truth is I have lost sight (temporarily) of what matters most and what the Lord has called me to.
Several years ago I became keenly aware of the fact that I have been called to a ministry of suffering. Before you think I have lost my mind, let me be very clear. I know very well that our Great and Mighty God is able and still heals today and if He chooses that for me I will rejoice, but, for now this is where I am and I want my life to honor Him no matter what.
With all that said, I have taken my eyes off of that great calling in the last couple of weeks. I have forgotten that walking is not the most important thing, that Jesus is all I need and that I should rejoice in hope at all times. Life is just sometimes very hard and I become overwhelmed with all the difficulties every now and then - I am thankful that God knows this and loves me in spite of my sin and shortcomings.
So, today I am writing not only to confess where I have failed but to say that God has renewed me and brought me back to the place I need and long to be.
I am blessed to know (once again) that God is so very faithful and He is indeed all I need. My circumstances are hard and sometimes they overwhelm me to the point that I can't breathe. But through it all - God is bigger and His grace is most sufficient. I am overjoyed to again remember that Almighty God is leading me down this path for His glory and my good - that alone makes it all worth it.
Thank You Lord Jesus for again reminding me of what it's all about and drawing me closer to You. As my wonderful mentor and hero in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada says, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." He hates the sorrow and hardship that his children face but he loves when those very things bring us closer to Him so that we may be more like Him. Praying I will not soon forget this.
Rejoicing in Great Hope,
Roxanne
"My hope comes from God, He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress. I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6
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