Never the Same

Over the years I have had lots of questions about my first seizure. When was it? How old was I? Where was I? So, today I have decided to share the experience that has changed me forever...

On July 21, 1985 my life was altered in a matter of minutes. The day started out like any other, it was a Sunday and I was getting ready for church. Stephen and I had been dating all of 6 months - we were so young, 17 and about to be Seniors in High School. We had been visiting my aunt's church and that is where we were on this particular morning.

I had on my new blue and grey checked dress and was looking particularly cute, if I do say so myself. Stephen and I were attending the Youth service in this church and in a matter of seconds I began to feel something I had never felt before, but, would come to experience many, many times in my life.

My left hand began to tingle with very sharp intensity. And I started hearing the voices around me sound like they were miles off. I fell over onto Stephen's lap and before we knew it I was unconscious and seizing. That is all I remember but, later I was told I had a grand mal seizure - whatever that meant...

My memories from this day are choppy and unclear. The next thing I remember is Stephen and someone from the church driving me home. Stephen had already called my parents who were going to spend the day with my aunt and uncle on Lake Conroe. Stephen was able to reach them just before they left - God was working even when we didn't know it.

My mother came running out to the car with a look of panic and fear that I have never seen (even to this day) on her face. I can still see her wearing a white house dress with red piping around the edges. "What happened? What happened?" were the only things she and Daddy could manage to say. Before I knew it we were on the way to Texas Children's Hospital and there I would stay for the next 11 days. I had every test you can imagine to try to determine the cause of the seizure and what was going on with me.

Terrified did not even begin to describe the way I felt - the way we all felt. I had no idea what had just happened to me and I sure did not want it to ever happen again. I had never seen a seizure in my life and knew nothing about this very foreign word that was being thrown around for the next 11 days.

Epilepsy.

We knew very little at this time but the doctors had decided that the seizure was probably caused due to the brain condition I was born with. All I knew was I spent every minute trying to forget the whole thing - I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to focus on anything but seizures. I was very quickly put on a seizure medication to prevent further episodes - as we all know now that did not work and has been an uphill battle for going on 25 years. But at the time, we were just learning.

We learned a lot about seizures those two weeks in the hospital. The one I had was a tonic clonic or grand mal seizure - these are the big seizures where you loose consciousness and your body becomes very stiff and rigid with lots of shaking and jerking. I have had many hundreds of these types of seizures to date and they are still the scariest.

My life has never been the same...

Yes, seizures and physical challenges have been the brunt of the changes in my life over the past almost 25 years. Medications - too many to count, reactions from those same medications, injuries, hospital stays, limitations, and finally the wheelchair. But there is another reason - the main reason that I have never been the same. It is my God who has walked with me and carried me through all the hurt, pain and loss.

The disabilities I struggle with every day have driven me to the Cross of Christ more times than I can count and for this I am eternally grateful. My Jesus has been my Rock, fortress, refuge and strength through it all. I could have never survived one day without Him.

It has taken me a long, long time to be able to say this but I am so thankful for that day in July so many years ago. I would not trade it or give it back or even try to pray it away. God has used all of the tough times to draw me unto Him, to reveal more of Himself to me and to make me more like Him - I still have a long way to go on that last one but, I am, at least on my way.

One of my very favorite people and heroes in the faith, Joni Eareckson Tada, has said, "God allows what He hates to achieve what He loves." I believe that is one the most most profound and true statements that I have ever heard. God allows suffering to show more of who He is and draw us closer to Him. It is a tough concept, I know. But I know from 42 years of physical hardship and leaning on the God of the Universe - it is true.

And through of all of this, I am so thankful to never be the same - I am forever blessed!


Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne

"I will praise You, O Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2