Yesterday I celebrated an Anniversary. One year of using my wheelchair full time, it has been a year of learning, growth and grace. It has not been the easiest thing for me but it has been one more thing that has shown me more of Jesus - and more of who I am because of Him.
Last year on March 25th I mourned the loss of mobility and wept almost the entire day. I stayed in God's Word and allowed Him to console my wounded heart. He gave me 2 Scriptures that soothed my soul and allowed me to feel His presence and power all day.
"...weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Such truth in this verse, I did weep, for what felt like an eternity. But God, so true to His Word has allowed me to experience such joy, even in the midst of suffering. Only God can do that and I am so thankful. The joy I have now is something I can't really define - it is just a God thing all the way around. There is just nothing quite like knowing that God, my Creator, my King is using my life to glorify Him. It is easy for me to rejoice because I know that God is working in me an exceeding and eternal weight of glory and giving me His perspective on the hard things of life - what a blessing and I never take it lightly, I am always overwhelmed by it. Last year I cried, I cried out to my God and He responded by giving me Psalm 30:5 - I wrote the verse on a tissue used that day for drying my tears and it now resides in my Bible. Every time I see the tissue, I think back on that day and remember the faithfulness of God and that joy now DOES indeed come each morning.
Last March 25th my heart was aching with an intense hurt that comes with loss, a chapter that is closing and the very end of the way things have always been. That day I was preparing to go to Wednesday night services at church and I was dreading that first time in public in my chair. God led me to Deuteronomy 31:8 -
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you or forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."
What an awesome concept - the Lord Himself would go before me, wherever that wheelchair would take me in life my Lord was going first. I am so thankful for this truth and I have hidden this in my heart and drawn from it every time I leave the house - I know that God is walking in front of me preparing the way.
It is still a bitter pill for me to swallow, being in this wheelchair day after day and sometimes I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror or in a window and I can hardly believe it is me. The person in the reflection looks weak and vulnerable in every way and this is not the way I want to think of myself. But then I must stop and reevaluate my heart. God has allowed me to be where I am for a reason and the weak and vulnerable are just who He came to save. I remind myself that God uses my weakness and He is made perfect within it - AMEN! I am so unworthy to be used in such a way but I am so delighted and honored that God has allowed me to experience the unique "dance" of suffering and joy.
So, with a year gone by, I will keep trusting the Lord to remind me of how faithful He is and the next time I catch myself in the mirror, I will smile.
Rejoicing in Hope,
Roxanne
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